Tag Archives: writers

We’re Really in The Soup, Aren’t We?

That is what madness is, isn’t it? All the wheels fly off the bus and things don’t make sense anymore. Or rather, they do, but it’s not a kind of sense anyone else can understand

– Audrey Niffennegger

After two weeks, a slight return. Whether it’s my children or my day job (it’s only June and we’re hitting 105 degrees with the heat index – not exactly prime conditions for mowing), free time has been non-existent for me, and it’s affected all avenues of my writing for the time being. If I can’t write, I will read. There hasn’t been too much time for either of those things, though. Stuck in the soup.

I do, however, have something on my mind. I live in a small town. Bars, churches, and fast-food restaurants take up most of the space. Conservatives, drunks, and drunk conservatives take up most of what’s left, not leaving much of anything for the rest of us. So, there aren’t a lot of resources for…anything. This became all too clear recently after watching a local Facebook group dedicated to those suffering from drug and alcohol addiction do battle with members of Small Mind, USA.

Agree or disagree, alcoholism and addiction are considered diseases in the scientific and medical fields. Diseases can be managed or treated so not all hope is lost. To many, though, addiction is a choice. I’m not going to pretend that I know the ins and outs of all of the science, but it shouldn’t take a scientist to understand the effects alcohol and drug use have on human biology and brain chemistry.

“You chose to put the needle in your arm, junky.” Granted, that’s kind of fair, I guess, but on a very low, superficial level. It’s not so black and white. Not at all.

That was just one of the many negative, ignorant comments posted on this “recovery group’s” Facebook page. I felt so bad watching these people who are trying to find empowerment through recovery get torn apart by the vicious ignorance of the misinformed. And on a digital platform, no less.

“Our tax dollars shouldn’t go to paying for your methadon.” Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Ignorant and illiterate. If you can’t spell “methadone” then you shouldn’t have a fighting hand in the argument.

I must give it up to the recovery group and its members, though. They stayed firm in their decree while also taking the higher ground by not going on the attack.

The one thing it made me realize is if this recovery group is getting criticized to this extent, what “challenges” would a support group for the mentally ill face in a small town? My town particularly. Would we be laughed at? Called lazy? Told to suck it up? Probably all those things and then some.

It’s pointless to feel hopeless, though. Some things will never change or will only at a rate so slow I won’t be here to see the repercussions of any of the progress.

Although mental health resources are usually limited everywhere, I’m sure it’s a little different in my town of 2,000 people. There is a “county counselling service”, but good luck getting an appointment or consultation there. The system is more than broken. It’s non-existent in some places.

I don’t have much else to say about this. There is nothing I can say that hasn’t already been said. Mental Health Awareness Month is almost over, and I don’t feel it’s made much difference or was “successful” in any special way. “Awareness” is a relative term, even useless at times. Did we remember to call our support groups together? Did we make T-shirts for everyone, or picket in the streets? Mental Health Awareness Month was just a month wasted on pride for our condition, not a celebration of our endeavors and struggles. Nothing was truly spotlighted except “woo weee…it’s our month.” Every day is Mental Health Awareness Month for me. And for many others reading and stuck in the soup.

I’m trying to be a realist but am recognizing all I do is complain about the ignorance or misgivings of those who don’t understand or agree. And who knows when or if real change will occur. Perspectives and foundational ideologies must change for many and that’s not up to me or any of us. But for the time being I’ll remain here, in the soup.

A Brief Thought on Dying

“It matters not how a man dies, but how he lives. The act of dying is not of importance, it lasts so short a time.”

– Samuel Johnson

Someone close to me recently brought forth the question of whether or not I was curious about what people will say or think about me after I die. I couldn’t help but laugh a little and try and be anecdotal, but nothing that came to mind sounded right.

When they asked me again if I had ever pondered on the issue, I had to be honest and say “no”. I’m of the inclination that this is it. It’s all black after these lights go out…so I’m still trying to plan how I’m going to sneak in a little bit when I get to the “other side”.

I guess in a way I’m so preoccupied with “what’s next” rather than who is saying what about me after I’m gone. I’m a nihilist through and through, but I still don’t have a good enough grasp on the afterlife to be comfortable going now.

Now, I’ve always known what I’ve wanted on my tombstone if that counts: “The future’s uncertain and the end is always near.” A line from “Roadhouse Blues” by The Doors. If you take away the Morrison myth it’s not a bad quote, one of ultimate summation, I think.

What do you want to be remembered for after you’ve left this earthly plane? What do you want your friends and family to say about you? Do you even care? What’s next after we die?

I’m interested to know your feelings on the topic.

My Personal Top 10 Tips for Those Who Are Mentally Ill

“To be ill adjusted to a deranged world is not a breakdown.”

– Jeanette Winterson

There are always goin

  • Accept it: It’s all you can do. It’s a process, but it’s necessary.
  • Acknowledge that you are not your illness: This is most important.
  • Don’t be afraid of the med game: Hey, if it helps…
  • Avoid “You might be…” or “Things to avoid…” lists or articles: We’re all different
  • Stay active/healthy diet: Staying healthy is key to having any control over your overall psychological well-being.
  • Practice self-care: This, especially along with a healthy diet, can help one have a basic level of control.
  • Develop a routine: This can be difficult as real life can get in the way, but can be a game-changer.
  • Stay in contact: With friends, with family, with everyone.
  • Pause for the cause: It’s okay to be selfish sometimes.
  • Google doesn’t have a medical degree: Education is key when it comes to your mental illness but search with caution and insight.

Below are additional tips to boost your mental health:

  • Track gratitude and achievement with a journal. Include 3 things you were grateful for and 3 things you were able to accomplish each day.
  • Start your day with a cup of co­ffee. Coff­ee consumption is linked to lower rates of depression. If you can’t drink coff­ee because of the caff­eine, try another good-for-you drink like green tea. 
  • Set up a getaway. It could be camping with friends or a trip to the tropics. The act of planning a vacation and having something to look forward to can boost your overall happiness for up to 8 weeks!
  • 4, Work your strengths. Do something you’re good at to build self-confidence, then tackle a tougher task. 
  • Keep it cool for a good night’s sleep. The optimal temperature for sleep is between 60 and 67 degrees Fahrenheit.
  • “You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” – Martin Luther King, Jr. Think of something in your life you want to improve, and figure out what you can do to take a step in the right direction.
  • Experiment with a new recipe, write a poem, paint or try a Pinterest project. Creative expression and overall well-being are linked.
  • Show some love to someone in your life. Close, quality, relationships are key for a happy, healthy life.
  • Boost brainpower by treating yourself to a couple pieces of dark chocolate every few days. The flavanoids, caffeine, and theobromine in chocolate are thought to work together to improve alertness and mental skills.
  • “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.”  -Maya Angelou. If you have personal experience with mental illness or recovery, share on Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr with #mentalillnessfeelslike. Check out what other people are saying here.
  • Sometimes, we don’t need to add new activities to get more pleasure. We just need to soak up the joy in the ones we’ve already got. Trying to be optimistic doesn’t mean ignoring the uglier sides of life. It just means focusing on the positive as much as possible.
  • Feeling anxious?  Take a trip down memory lane and do some coloring for about 20 minutes to help you clear your mind. Pick a design that’s geometric and a little complicated for the best effect. Check out hundreds of free printable coloring pages here.
  • Take time to laugh. Hang out with a funny friend, watch a comedy or check out cute videos online. Laughter helps reduce anxiety.
  • Go off the grid. Leave your smart phone at home for a day and disconnect from constant emails, alerts, and other interruptions. Spend time doing something fun with someone face-to-face.
  • Dance around while you do your housework. Not only will you get chores done, but dancing reduces levels of cortisol (the stress hormone), and increases endorphins (the body’s “feel-good” chemicals).
  • Go ahead and yawn. Studies suggest that yawning helps cool the brain and improves alertness and mental efficiency.
  • Relax in a warm bath once a week. Try adding Epsom salts to soothe aches and pains and help boost magnesium levels, which can be depleted by stress.
  • Has something been bothering you? Let it all out…on paper. Writing about upsetting experiences can reduce symptoms of depression.
  • Spend some time with a furry friend. Time with animals lowers the stress hormone – cortisol, and boosts oxytocin – which stimulates feelings of happiness. If you don’t have a pet, hang out with a friend who does or volunteer at a shelter.
  • “What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us. And when you bring what is within out into the world, miracles happen.” – Henry David Thoreau. Practice mindfulness by staying “in the present.”  Try these tips. 
  • Be a tourist in your own town. Often times people only explore attractions on trips, but you may be surprised what cool things are in your own backyard.
  • Try prepping your lunches or picking out your clothes for the work week. You’ll save some time in the mornings and have a sense of control about the week ahead.
  • Work some omega-3 fatty acids into your diet–they are linked to decreased rates of depression and schizophrenia among their many benefits. Fish oil supplements work, but eating your omega-3s in foods like wild salmon, flaxseeds or walnuts also helps build healthy gut bacteria.
  • Practice forgiveness – even if it’s just forgiving that person who cut you off during your commute. People who forgive have better mental health and report being more satisfied with their lives.
  • “What appear to be calamities are often the sources of fortune.” – Disraeli. Try to find the silver lining in something kind of cruddy that happened recently.
  • Feeling stressed? Smile. It may not be the easiest thing to do, but smiling can help to lower your heart rate and calm you down.
  • Send a thank you note – not for a material item, but to let someone know why you appreciate them. Written expressions of gratitude are linked to increased happiness.
  • Do something with friends and family – have a cookout, go to a park, or play a game. People are 12 times more likely to feel happy on days that they spend 6-7 hours with friends and family.
  • Take 30 minutes to go for a walk in nature – it could be a stroll through a park, or a hike in the woods. Research shows that being in nature can increase energy levels, reduce depression and boost well-being.
  • Do your best to enjoy 15 minutes of sunshine, and apply sunscreen. Sunlight synthesizes Vitamin D, which experts believe is a mood elevator.
  • “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” -Albert Einstein. Try something outside of your comfort zone to make room for adventure and excitement in your life.

There are many different skills or coping mechanisms that you can do or use in times of mental duress. It all just depends on the situation and what is needed at the time to diffuse the mental health crisis or concern. We all have it in us and although bullet points suck, there is a truth there that can only be helpful.

I hope my list, along with the list provided by the MHA, is helpful to someone in some way.

All These Medications

“It’s difficult. I take a low dose of lithium nightly. I take an antidepressant for my fatness because prayer isn’t enough. My therapist hears confession twice a month, my shrink delivers the host, and I can stand in the woods and see the world spark.”

– David Lovelace, Scattershot: My Bipolar Family

If you haven’t read Madness by Marya Hornbacher, I highly recommend that you do so. Especially if you suffer from bipolar disorder. She’s not Stephen King, but the book is as equally terrifying as anything he has written.

As someone who does suffer from the illness, I look at the book, which is a devastatingly honest memoir, as a shield. It’s far from comforting, but it is a book that captures Hornbacher’s long and torturous journey.

There is a section at the end of the book about different facts about the disorder. Many I knew. Others could be terrifying footnotes to an already terrifying book. Hornbacher even lists her medication regimen in the section. I noticed we shared a few medications and it got me thinking.

About all these medications.

Over the course of seven years, I have been on countless medications, which I am currently paying for. I have always been consistent in taking my pills. I have never gone off my meds. I have never had any reason to. But I’m beginning to wonder if the damage done by years of taking numerous medications is just as bad as not have taken them at all.

I know, I know. That’s dramatic, but still. Pills that were supposed to help my brain function are now having if not an opposite effect, a disappointing and new one. I’m not experiencing the basic “blah” one might feel on antidepressants. I’m experiencing total loss. Of conversation. Of thought. My doctor is even wanting to wean me off some of my necessary meds because of some of the issues I am having. It’s just not possible.

There are so many different medications for bipolar disorder. It’s insane. I know everyone is different, but why not try and fix a medication that “doesn’t work” or has “flaws” instead of creating a new one with new problems?

Big Pharma, baby.

There is no cure or direct known cause of bipolar disorder so it’s impossible to create a universal drug to treat the illness. However, there must be a more stable medication or clinical treatment.

And they say that’s Lithium. The problem? The same: the doctors throw a handful of other pills on top that.

Multiple medications are necessary in the treatment of bipolar disorder, but not all the ones that are typically prescribed.

On average, it takes someone with bipolar disorder 10 years to receive the proper diagnosis. That’s a lot of different pills, my friend.

If it it’s a 10-year journey, I’m three years out and am still keeping my fingers crossed.

Mental Illness: An Excuse for Bad Behavior?

“Mental illness does not give you the excuse to act like a jackass.”

– Pete Davidson

The above quote quite sums up the entirety of what this short post will be.

It’s not unheard of. Someone with a mental illness, consciously or not, may believe they’re allowed a free pass at times. This, of course, is false. In no set of circumstances does mental illness allow one to act like a dick.

It’s a total myth that having a mental illness is an excuse for poor or bad behavior. Not that that is out of the realm of possibility, but one cannot stand behind the guise of mental illness to do whatever one wants. Yet, in certain times, we need to remember that the illness is not the person, and those isolating behaviors are part of their condition.

One study found that one-third of people think people with mental illness are ‘making excuses’.

According to an article in The Bridge Chronicle, people use mental illness as “an excuse for irrational behavior…mental illness doesn’t evaporate the consequences of our actions.”

“Mental health does not make problematic behaviors excusable.”

A clear example of this is Kanye West and his continued deterioration in the media. He is allegedly bipolar (I am not sure if there has ever been a clinical diagnosis or not), but up until recently, we have always given Kanye a “pass” when he’s been offensive or completely “off his rocker” (pardon my discriminatory description – Kanye has earned it, though). His “genius” overshadowed any medical or mental health concerns that he was experiencing, and he continued down a destructive, untreated path.

I understand, to some degree, why people may play the “mental illness” card, though. It is sometimes the only way we can get any true recognition of our condition. It’s inexcusable to be manipulative when it comes to “owning” one’s illness, but sometimes it is the only way to express that part of our lives. One can use tact, though, and in a way that’s not so extreme.

There are different ways to go about “expressing” yourself. Taking responsibility for one’s actions and/or reactions is a good place to start. You may end up revealing something about yourself that you don’t want to but taking responsibility for certain behaviors is a good step in the right direction.

Having that kind of accountability can go a long way when having a mental illness. You have to acknowledge the situation before being able to handle it.

Symptoms of an undiagnosed mental illness include:


· Thoughts of harming someone or yourself

· Emotions of sorrow, frustration, fear, concern, or anxiety are recurrent or persistent.

· Regular outbursts of feelings or mood changes

· Uncertainty or mysterious memory lapses

· Delusions or hallucinations

· Intensive fear or anxiety about putting on weight

· Important shifts in eating or sleeping behaviors

· Unknown improvements in success at school or work

· Failure to deal with regular tasks or problems

· Cessation from events or relations in society

· Authority disobedience, delinquency, robbery, or destruction

· Misuse of substances, including alcoholism or illicit drug use

· Mysterious bodily conditions

There have been times when I’ve “gone off” because I’ve slipped, and lashing out seemed to be the most logical response. Hands up-don’t shoot! I, too, have been guilty of this.

If you find yourself lashing out at others, here are a few things you can do:

· If you have a lot of built up anger, speak to someone. A family member, a friend, or your doctor to talk about the things going on in your head.

· Alternatively, if you’re feeling angry, unleash your feelings by calling Samaritans on 116 123, they are there to listen to you.

· If you find yourself irritated or angry, question what’s going on. Is everyone else being irritating, or do you need extra support for your emotions?

· Before making hurtful comments, take a step back and think about the consequences.

· If you are unable to stop a reaction, take some time out afterward and apologize to the person you hurt.

· Listen when friends and loved ones tell you they’re hurting. Don’t dismiss their feelings or deflect them by blaming your mental illness.

Some people struggle with their moods and behaviors. It can be debilitating for everyone involved. This, however, does not give anyone the right to abuse their condition. Being mentally ill does not excuse bad or inappropriate behavior.

So, You Think You Have a Mental Illness

“We must bring the issue of mental illness out into the sunlight, out of the shadow, out of the closet, deal with it, treat people, have centers where people can get the necessary help.”

– John Lewis

With 1 in 5 U.S. adults suffering from some form of mental illness, it’s not a huge leap for one to think they may be suffering from one, as well. Depression and anxiety are extremely prevalent. Sharing similar hallmarks to certain other illnesses can drive many to assume they may be suffering from some sort of mental health issue.

According to Mental Health America, “mental illnesses are brain-based conditions that affect thinking, emotions, and behaviors.” Research suggests that 21% of adults in the U.S. experience some form of mental illness. 1 in 25 U.S. adults live with serious mental illness, and 1 in 6 U.S. youth aged 6 to 17 experience a mental health illness

There are things TO DO and things NOT TO DO when it comes to being curious about your own mental health. One of the big ones for me is to educate without overloading myself. Dr. Google may be right, but I believe it’s only smart to begin the deep education part after a proper diagnosis has been made by a mental health professional.

One major thing someone can do for someone is to just listen. You don’t have to pretend to understand, just listen. It may not help either side of the conversation, but it can act as a distraction.

One thing to avoid is any articles with names like “Signs You May Be…” or any other similar catechism. These are often misguided pieces of information and are used to create worry and fear rather than to be informative. After all, that headache you just Googled might just be cancer.

However, there are symptoms to keep an eye out for.

In Adults, Young Adults and Adolescents:

  • Confused thinking
  • Prolonged depression (sadness or irritability)
  • Feelings of extreme highs and lows
  • Excessive fears, worries and anxieties
  • Social withdrawal
  • Dramatic changes in eating or sleeping habits
  • Strong feelings of anger
  • Strange thoughts (delusions)
  • Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there (hallucinations)
  • Growing inability to cope with daily problems and activities
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Numerous unexplained physical ailments
  • Substance use

In Older Children And Pre-Adolescents:

  • Substance use
  • Inability to cope with problems and daily activities
  • Changes in sleeping and/or eating habits
  • Excessive complaints of physical ailments
  • Changes in ability to manage responsibilities – at home and/or at school
  • Defiance of authority, truancy, theft, and/or vandalism
  • Intense fear
  • Prolonged negative mood, often accompanied by poor appetite or thoughts of death
  • Frequent outbursts of anger
  • In Younger Children:
  • Changes in school performance
  • Poor grades despite strong efforts
  • Changes in sleeping and/or eating habits
  • Excessive worry or anxiety (i.e. refusing to go to bed or school)
  • Hyperactivity
  • Persistent nightmares
  • Persistent disobedience or aggression
  • Frequent temper tantrums

Before letting a list like this define you it’s important to seek out professional help. These are only places to start.

If it turns out after receiving proper medical care that you may have a mental illness there are things to do, as well.

  • Accept your feelings
  • Establish a support network
  • Seek counseling
  • Take time for yourself
  • Handling unusual behavior
  • Talk to a doctor about medication
  • Therapy

No, not all of these are going to work for everybody (I still struggle myself), but they’re a place to start. You must accept the issue before you can move forward. Only do so cautiously, though. The opinion of a mental health professional is needed before anything else.

Mental Health in Small Town, USA

“There is no standard normal. Normal is subjective. There are seven billion versions of normal on this planet.”

– Matt Haig

Just some brief thoughts:

I live in a small town. Like a really small town. It’s a very conservative, small town in a very conservative part of Illinois, which is most of the state (thank God for Chicago or we would be all Red). There aren’t a lot of resources in my area for people with any type of mental health or psychiatric problems. That seems to be the case for many rural areas across the U.S.

This isn’t news. A 2020 study found that “rural residents in the USA experience significant disparities in mental health outcomes even though the prevalence of mental illness in rural and metropolitan areas is similar.”

These issues may stem from a lack of funding or a lack of understanding of these types of problems. I haven’t even heard of any recognition that May is Mental Health Awareness Month on any type in any local media in my area – not that that is surprising. I have found most people have no idea this is Mental Health Awareness Month.

That’s part of the problem. No, not recognizing May as “ours”, but by not recognizing the issue at all. I had an appointment with my psych doctor yesterday, who practices more than an hour away now. Thank God (or whoever) for Telehealth or that monthly drive would be a killer.

A study by researchers at Wake Forest School of Medicine determined one of the main causes behind the lack of resources for mental health treatment in rural areas is the surrounding shame and stigma. The belief that “I should not need help.”

“We as a society have a hard time asking for help, so it’s hard enough to ask for help [without feeling] that everybody’s going to know it,” Dennis Mohatt, vice president of the behavioral mental health program at the Western Interstate Commission for Higher Education, said. “Your neighbors don’t have a clue in a city if you’re going to go get some help. But everybody [in a small town] will know if your pickup truck is parked outside of the mental health provider’s office.”

He’s right. Fortunately, I do not fall into that category. I’m not out picketing for change or acknowledgment, but I’m far from ashamed.

Other research suggests even suicide rates are affected by the regionality of mental health services.

“There is a higher suicide mortality rate among residents of rural and nonmetropolitan areas than those living in metropolitan areas,” Ty Borders, Ph.D., said. “The discrepancy has existed for decades, and the gap has widened in recent years,”

So, why is this? I’m sure there is more than one answer, but where I live it has a lot to do with what I hope is a lack of understanding (I have to believe that, at least). Funding, too, if that can be looped into it on some real substantive basis. However, I believe it stems from a lack of understanding.

It’s also because of a weakness that gets pinned on those who suffer from any type of mental health problem or crisis. There is very much a “Suck it up and get over it!” mentality among many throughout my community. The idea that mental illness didn’t exist fifty years ago is a very prevalent one.

Poverty plays a role in this dilemma, too. How can someone expect to pay for mental health services when they can’t afford their 10-year-old’s school physical? Especially if those types of appointments are an hour away and are only open certain hours or days of the week.

According to the Rural Health Information Hub, “18.7% of individuals in nonmetropolitan areas have a mental health condition, which is about 6.5 million people. Rural residents are also more likely than urban residents to experience a serious mental illness.”

One report suggests that for every 30,000 rural Americans there is one psychiatrist. This is interesting, and it would be interesting to know how many out of those 30,000 need psychiatric help. But we’ll never get any accurate information regarding that.

So, do we need more therapists? Or is it something more serious, a more systemic issue? I don’t think there is a black or white answer. I mean, I have no real ideas that would matter. I’m just like everyone else: pointing out the flaws in the system with no real alternative measure in mind.

Bipolar Brain Fog: Seeing Thru the Haze

“When it’s foggy in the pulpit it’s cloudy in the pew.”

– Cavett Rober

I’ve touched upon this topic once before in an “a day in the life” post, but it’s something that bears repeating. Because I might forget.

Over the last year or so, I have been experiencing some semi-serious memory issues and some problems with basic motor skills and coordination. I was able to hide these specific problems from my wife for nearly three months before having to officially let the cat out of the bag.

And I only had to do that because I was stumbling around the house one day my wife and I were both home. It was a particularly bad day for me; I had no sense of perception or balance, and was bumping into furniture and running into walls. After about the third obvious misstep, though (no pun intended) I just looked over at my wife. In return, I was pretty much given the “Okay, let’s hear it” look and so I proceeded to tell her what I had been trying so hard to avoid.

It was almost painless…except for the part that wasn’t. I was embarrassed, and I had been forgetting everything, short-term and long-term. I would get hung up in a conversation and not know how to navigate back into it. How did I even manage to keep this a secret for this long? It didn’t matter how to my wife, only why.

WHY did you keep this a secret for so long?

I guess other than being embarrassed (and a little scared) I’m not sure myself. I knew, though, that when one of those “moments” would occur I would leave the room as quickly as possible and go to the bathroom and cry. I initially started this as a method of returning from the edge. I would hope that staring at myself while flooding the counters with my boxed-up tears would act as a trigger to “come back to”. This rarely worked, if ever.

The first thing was first, though, and that was to get in with the doctor ASAP. I had already wasted enough time and had finally accepted what was going on. To a certain extent, anyway.

I already see a neurologist because of a seizure disorder, so it didn’t take too long to get that appointment scheduled. I had both a CT scan and an MRI before the appointment, so I was looking forward to getting some answers.

Of course, it’s not that simple, is it?

The MRI did show two small areas on my corona radiata, an area between the cortex and brain stem. A second MRI was then ordered, and I started to worry. By this point, I was unsure of why another MRI was necessary after I had demonstrated my inability to do what the neurologist was asking of me, both mentally and physically. The physical test’s results indicated I had no reflexes in either foot/ankle, and my whole left side was significantly weaker than my right. The second part of the physical test required me to walk toe-to-toe down a long hallway – which I failed miserably at.

So, I expected some sort of answer. Things were ruled out, such as mini strokes and multiple sclerosis, but nothing was ruled on. I suppose finding out what it wasn’t should have acted as some sort of relief or buffer, but it didn’t.

It was time to get back to the drawing board.

After more lab work, another MRI on the books, and visits with other doctors, I was given at least a little bit of start. As more things continued to be ruled out, we had to at least be getting a little bit closer to an answer, right?

I have experienced all the symptoms and feelings and moods that come with along with bipolar disorder, so I thought I had the game down. But as always, this was not the case. At this point, I was just hoping to forget I was even sick, bipolar or not.

As for where I stand right now, I personally do believe what’s been going on is (more than likely) related to my illness.

Specifically, it’s referred to as “bipolar brain fog”. I guess it’s real enough. I look at it as another rung on the ladder for me, a ladder where the climb is overwhelming and never-ending.

Bipolar brain fog is described as having the “inability to focus on a task, retrieve simple memories or words, or tune out distractions.”

Fortunately – for me, anyway – I hate sympathy (even just sitting here writing this is making me cringe a little), so that in and of itself just acts as a motivator for me to not be like “why me?” or to seek out attention in any other way. Sympathy of any kind just makes me feel uncomfortable, so instead of showering in those negative waters, I decided to just hang out in Lake Out-of-Sight-Out-of-Mind. Back to avoiding the truth again. It was either that or go crazy, and I just couldn’t afford that.

As I tread forward, though, it truly does feel like it may be my bipolar disorder causing everything. From the initial MRI to now, it appears that there are areas in my brain that have shrunk in size. This seems to be indicative of these issues stemming from bipolar disorder.

Memory issues caused by bipolar disorder can be traced to the seriousness of the extreme highs and lows associated with the illness. The excessive and intense repetition of cycling is major causation of memory issues in someone with bipolar disorder.

Now, to clarify, these are not constant issues. I do deal with them daily, but not 24/7 like many others.

It’s still scary. One study suggests that bipolar disorder may cause progressive brain damage. It can even lead to early-onset dementia or Alzheimer’s disease. Now, does that mean that those things are going to happen for sure? No. Does it make sense why I might be scared at times? I’d like to think so.

Bipolar disorder and memory loss are linked to “deficits in regions of the brain,…each of which plays a role in memory as well as movement, learning, reward, motivation, emotion, and romantic interaction.”

My next appointment with the neurologist is later this month so, fingers crossed for another MRI, I guess.

To be in my early 30s and to already be seeing doctors for memory loss concerns is scary. I don’t want to lose anything else I already don’t have.

So, take away anything else. Take whatever you want.

Just don’t take my mind. Don’t take the one thing that’s truly mine.

Leave me my mind.

Social Media Totally Hijacked My Mental Health

“People who smile while they are alone used to be called insane until we invented smartphones and social media.”

– Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Not entirely or fully accurate, but the damage has been done. Forget the needle. In this day and age, it’s more like TikTok and the damage done.

Without doing any research on the topic, I am sure there has been a multitude of tests and studies conducted to compare the effects of drugs on the human brain to that of social media on the human brain. It’s quite clear neither is truly healthy for anyone (you can decide which is worse), but what direct effect does social media and its use have on our mental health and overall psychological well-being?

In 2021, there were around 3 billion active monthly users of various social media, and that only continues to grow. It shows that if it is indeed a problem, it’s not going away anytime soon.

Comparing the problem to being one “as big as climate change”, Facebook whistleblower Frances Haugen leaked thousands of documents that showed Facebook knew the harm it could cause as a social media platform and did nothing about it. Money above all else. Always. Thanks, Zuckerberg.

THE SCIENCE

One study conducted shows that “companies use mechanisms in our brain to hook us on social media.” A typical social media platform’s initial goal is to ultimately “hook” us, which in turn gives them a serious form of complex control. There’s also significant proof to suggest that irresponsible social media practices can lead to anxiety, depression, sleep disruption, and anti-social behavior.

As mentioned before, I knew there were obvious ramifications to us humans by the irresponsible, overuse of social media – I just never knew what they were specifically. I would have never initially guessed the correlation between social media use and anxiety and depression. It makes perfect sense, though. Sometimes you just need to see things through a different lens before fully understanding the scope of the matter.

“Social media is basically a way to drugify human connection,” Anna Lembke, MD, said. “One of the ways our brain gets us to make those connections is [to] release dopamine. Things that are addictive release a lot more dopamine in the brain.”

According to Lembke, the more we trigger that intense pleasure response we get from social media, “the more we crave it.” It begins to take hold like a drug, to where you continually need more and more of it to reach one’s desired (or required) level or “high”, for lack of a better word. It’s like gambling because you always return when your odds are very low. It is a constant need for validation by way of the internet which can quickly get out of control.         

THE DANGERS

Other than the ones already mentioned, the dangers of the overuse of social media can range from emotional to mental to physical. One of the more significant aspects of the damage being done stems from sleep issues caused by social media use. The effects that sleep, or a lack thereof, can have on both mind and body are scary and dangerous.

Recent studies suggest people who frequently use social media feel more depressed. Social media can make one feel isolated and alone. One study of young adults in the U.S. found that “occasional users of social media are three times less likely to experience symptoms of depression than heavy users.” However, the loneliness created by the isolation can cause depression and anxiety in anyone.

Another danger posed is the damage caused by how it can boost one’s self-esteem. Yes, you read that right. It’s the way people seek out that self-esteem boost that is damaging. This is done by commenting on or posting something with the goal of receiving some sort of unhealthy positive feedback. The search for confirmation by means of feigned or exaggerated circumstances is unhealthy in and of itself. The repercussions of this style of self-gratification can be serious and can also lead to severe psychological problems.

Online bullying is another possible danger. This could take shape in the form of general bullying, by use of offensive or insulting language, or any number of other hurtful behaviors. When this behavior happens on a social media platform, it is widely viewed and even shared. This makes it nearly impossible to reduce the impact.

YOUTH IS TRAGEDY

These are just some of the things that can be negatively impacted by social media. So, why do users keep coming back?

“When the outcome is unpredictable, the behavior is more likely to repeat,” Jacqueline Sperling, PhD, said. “One does not know how many likes a picture will get, who will ‘like’ the picture, and when the picture will receive likes. The unknown outcome and the possibility of a desired outcome can keep users engaged with the sites.”

This is especially true with teenagers and young people. One of the reasons is the fear of missing out. Say, you’re not on social media but all your friends are. This can create a sense of being left out or of missing out on something others in your peer group get to experience. However, the younger you are when you start, the stronger the impact will be down the line.

Sterling also points out that a filter attached to the digital world can cause confusion amongst young people. It can blur the line between what’s real and what’s not.

“Middle school already is challenging for students with all of their developmental changes,” Sterling said. “As they go through puberty, they’re tasked with establishing their identity at a time when the frontal lobes in their brains are not fully developed, and there is a lack of impulse control. All of this happens while their relationships with peers become more important. It’s a very vulnerable population to have access to something where there is no stopgap before they post or press the send button. I think that’s something of which to be mindful.”

SUGGESTIONS FOR PROTECTING YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

Below are a few suggestions to maintain mental health while using social media:

  • Limit your time on social media platforms. Some platforms, such Apple and Google, have settings to help you do this automatically on your phone.
  • Consider what sites and profiles you visit; if they make you feel bad, unfollow them
  • Before you post something about yourself or someone else, consider if you would make this comment in an in-person setting
  • Remember that what you post will be very hard to take back or remove
  • Remember that what people post, or what you see, may not be honest or real presentations of their experiences or lives
  • Leave or unfollow a profile/page/site if it is making you feel worse
  • Report posts that are hurtful or making you worried
  • Tell an adult you trust – a parent, teacher, school counselor – immediately if a friend is posting content that worries you or suggests that they may be in a serious situation

As someone who uses certain social media platforms professionally, I know they can be very useful resources. I am not someone who uses social media for personal use very often; I have 170 friends on my personal Facebook – not because I’m antisocial, but because I only accept friend requests from people I actually know. This makes it easier to stay outside the boxes constructed when it comes to my usage of social media.

That being said, the dangers of social media to one’s mental health can be disastrous and long-lasting. However, we do live in a world where it’s hard to “unplug” because of the convenience of advanced technology. It’s everywhere. And the risk will always be there, too.

It’s not impossible to live a positive and balanced life on social media. However, it’s through discipline and insight that true personal awareness can be obtained, which is necessary.

a day in the life: snapshots & hand-me-downs

“The past beats inside me like a second heart.”

– John Banville

I recently had the luxury of finding an old notebook, one that had been used simply for creative purposes. It was about fifteen years old, but you couldn’t tell by its condition. However, the age of the notebook became more than evident after opening it up. To me, anyway.

Upon looking at the chicken scrawl that was my teen handwriting, and the pages and pages of pretentious writing that were also mine…I had a serious cringe moment. I don’t think of myself as a regular Hemingway, but my immaturity was on full display in those pages. It was also real clear that I had no real insight fifteen years ago. Just based on some of the passages I could stomach reading.

“…of the stiff, suspicious statues –

I stumbled along in agonizing anticipation

The voices were hollow and near

hiding in the plaguing darkness

I stopped –

and took in the sky…”

(2007)

There is absolutely no meaning to that. I had no idea what it meant then, and I still don’t. And I won’t try to pretend to spin it now.

The notebook is full of writing that makes me grimace. But its writing shows a side of me, one that I had yet to even define at that point.

It’s only one of many notebooks I could dig out and have the same feeling over (I have even at times thought about getting all the “old stuff” together in a chronological fashion of some sort, but life hasn’t allowed for that to happen). They’re the notebooks that are the basis for anything I am now.

They include song lyrics:

A worried man’s got his worried mind

And sees with two eyes that have gone blind

I been standing in the back just trying to get her name

When you’re that hard-up for a little fix

You ain’t clean, just a sober addict

You’re a million miles away, and everything’s changed

And poetry:

“I bought a brand-new mirror

and I hung it on the wall

I knelt before it every night

And prayed it wouldn’t fall…”

And then I stumbled upon this last little piece. It’s a poem that, at even twelve years old, I have found some merit in.

The Day I Left

the day I left,

in shackles and hand-me-downs,

the hardest thing –

that once remembered dream of

Passion,

I left the beach

I left, strangled and oblivious,

the curtain of hope decaying,

a penned elegy in my place

she was a sad-eyed mystery,

who was whatever I wanted,

sacred remnant

(left the beach for this?)

Instead of diamonds for sand and the sun for a father,

we have this –

Bombs for beachballs, tanks for cruise ships,

war for fun-in-the-sun

I see it all thru concave,

                  visions of mass deception,          

a summertime loss

this wavy clarity takes away

my security

the truth and enlightenment we need is found

in nuclear warfare,

and in our God,

bomb

Blessed,

I left in sleep

Cursed,

I left her

I push this way,

you pull the other

The day I left.

I found salvation

But not the kind I hoped to find

I found loneliness

I was blessed

on the day that I left

I guess if I had a point in today’s ramblings it would be to be careful what you hold onto and what you throw away. It may be old and it may be immature, but it also might contain the plotline for the next great American novel.

Sleep, or the Lack Thereof

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?”

– Ernest Hemingway

Sleep is perhaps one of the most important fundamentals in a person’s life. The Sleep Foundation describes sleep as an “essential function”, one that allows “your body and mind to recharge, leaving you refreshed and alert when you wake up.”

It’s extremely important that most adults get seven to nine hours of sleep a night. A lack of sleep is linked to a higher risk for obesity, type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, early death, and poor mental health.

According to the Mental Health Foundation, there are a variety of reasons you may not be getting the sleep you need, including:

  • Stress or worry
  • A change in the noise level or temperature of your bedroom
  • A different routine
  • Too much caffeine or alcohol
  • Shift work
  • Physical or mental health problems
  • Side effects of certain medications

There are several types of sleep disorders, but the most prevalent is insomnia. According to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, insomnia is defined as the “difficulty either falling or staying asleep that is accompanied by daytime impairments related to those sleep troubles.” Research from the Mayo Clinic suggests 30% of all adults will experience short-term insomnia and 10% of adults will experience long-term insomnia.

Insomnia symptoms may include:

  • Difficulty falling asleep at night
  • Waking up during falling asleep at night’s sleep
  • Waking up too early
  • Not feeling well-rested after a night’s sleep
  • Daytime tiredness or sleepiness
  • Irritability, depression or anxiety
  • Difficulty paying attention, focusing on tasks or remembering
  • Increased errors or accidents
  • Ongoing worries about sleep

Insomnia is not uncommon. In fact, it’s the most common sleep disorder, and one that can be very dangerous.

That’s never stopped me, though. Of course, I shouldn’t be proud of that, and I’m not. But I do suffer from serious insomnia.

I suffer from chronic insomnia (which recently has come in handy with the birth of my youngest son). Being bipolar doesn’t help the matter any. When manic, I’ve stayed up for days without “needing” to rest. That’s not an everyday occurrence, thankfully, but it’s happened enough for me to be used to it.

To the lucky 75% of those who recover from their insomnia, I applaud you and wonder, “what’s your secret?”

I’ve been on all the meds: Ambien. Sonata. Belsomra. Trazadone. Restoril. Lunesta. I’ve stuck with Lunesta because it works some of the time. It’s hit or miss, which at this point is all I can hope for.

Insomnia is usually caused by bad sleep habits, depression, anxiety, and chronic illness. It can even be caused by certain medications.

According to the Mayo Clinic, there are ways to fight insomnia, including:

  • Stick to a schedule: Keep your bedtime and wake time consistent from day to day, including on weekends.
  • Stay active: Regular activity helps promote a good night’s sleep. Schedule exercise at least a few hours before bedtime and avoid stimulating activities before bedtime.
  • Check your medications: If you take medications regularly, check with your doctor to see if they may be contributing to your insomnia. Also check the labels of OTC products to see if they contain caffeine or other stimulants, such as pseudoephedrine.
  • Avoid or limit naps: Naps can make it harder to fall asleep at night. If you can’t get by without one, try to limit a nap to no more than 30 minutes and don’t nap after 3 p.m.
  • Avoid or limit caffeine and alcohol/Don’t use nicotine: All of these can make it harder to sleep, and effects can last for several hours.
  • Don’t put up with pain: If a painful condition bothers you, talk to your doctor about options for pain relievers that are effective enough to control pain while you’re sleeping.
  • Avoid large meals and beverages before bed: A light snack is fine and may help avoid heartburn. Drink less liquid before bedtime so that you won’t have to urinate as often.

Suffering from a mental illness can make falling asleep no easy task. It is usually easier said than done for me since other factors play a role. I’ve always had trouble sleeping. I struggle with falling asleep, not staying asleep. If I can get there, I’m there. It’s the getting to sleep that so often eludes me.

No matter, insomnia and other sleep disorders can be extremely damaging, especially to those with a mental health disorder. Mental health disorders tend to make it harder to sleep well, in general.

Disorders Affected by Lack of Sleep:

  • Depression
  • Seasonal Affective Disorder
  • Anxiety Disorders
  • Bipolar Disorder
  • Schizophrenia
  • ADHD
  • Autism Spectrum Disorder

There is research to suggest that “brain activity during sleep has profound effects on emotional and mental health.” A 2021 study also suggests that issues with insomnia are “associated with significantly increased odds of frequent mental distress.”

Overall, sleep helps maintain cognitive abilities, including learning, memory, and emotional regulation. This is especially important to note to those who suffer from any kind of mental illness or psychiatric condition.

So, I guess that poet was wrong: Sleep isn’t just for dreamers.

Self-Care & Mental Health

man running on side of road

“What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candor, and more unashamed conversation.”

– Glenn Close

One of the most important things us mentally ill folks can do is practice consistent, and proper self-care. Self-care is an important approach to managing long-term health conditions, especially when it comes to one’s mental and emotional health. Plus, it’s just downright good for you.

But what exactly is self-care? It is something generally described as the process of taking care of oneself, promoting good health and the management of illness.

According to Harbor Light Hospice, self-care promotes a “healthy relationship with yourself to the benefit of your physical, mental, and emotional health”.

Not being able to take care of oneself makes it harder to take care of others. As a husband and a father to three boys, I don’t have the option of not being there for them.

That’s why practicing self-care is such an integral part of self-maintenance and self-preservation. It can improve both one’s overall health and well-being, and can also help manage stress, lower the risk of illness, and increase energy.

Here are some tips from NIMH to help you get started with self-care:

  • Get regular exercise. Just 30 minutes of walking every day can help boost your mood and improve your health.
  • Eat healthy, regular meals and stay hydrated. A balanced diet and plenty of water can improve your energy and focus throughout the day. Also, limit caffeinated beverages such as soft drinks or coffee.
  • Make sleep a priority. Stick to a schedule, and make sure you’re getting enough sleep.
  • Try a relaxing activity. Explore relaxation or wellness programs or apps, which may incorporate meditation, muscle relaxation, or breathing exercises.
  • Set goals and priorities. Decide what must get done now and what can wait. Learn to say “no” to new tasks if you start to feel like you’re taking on too much. Try to be mindful.
  • Practice gratitude. Remind yourself daily of things you are grateful for. Be specific.
  • Focus on positivity. Identify and challenge your negative and unhelpful thoughts.
  • Stay connected. Reach out to your friends or family members who can provide emotional support and practical help.

Self-care can even help support one’s treatment and recovery, if true recovery is even possible.

Sometimes, however, even self-care can seem like an impossible task to take on.

It is important to seek out medical help if you are experiencing severe or distressing symptoms, such as:

  • Difficulty sleeping
  • Appetite changes that result in unwanted weight changes
  • Struggling to get out of bed in the morning because of mood
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Loss of interest in things you usually find enjoyable
  • Inability to perform usual daily functions and responsibilities

More Tips for Practicing Proper Self-Care

  • Take breaks to unwind through yoga, music, gardening, or new hobbies
  • Find new ways to safely connect with family and friends, get support, and share feelings
  • Take care of your body and get moving to lessen fatigue, anxiety, or sadness
  • Treat yourself to healthy foods and get enough sleep

Self-care has become a more popular, mainstream concept in recent years. According to Google Trends, the number of searches for “self-care” has more than doubled over the last five years.

Marni Amsellem, PhD, a licensed psychologist, describes self-care as “anything that you do for yourself that feels nourishing.”

“It can be something that’s relaxing or calming, or it can be something that is intellectual or spiritual or physical or practical or something you need to get done,” she said.

So, self-care can mean and be something different to everyone.

Self-care can also include things, such as:

  • Turning off the TV instead of watching another episode because the alarm is going off at 5am so you can get to the gym.
  • Declining the second drink at the office holiday party.
  • Saying “no” to the thing you don’t want to do even if someone is going to be angry at you.
  • Maintaining financial independence.
  • Doing work that matters.
  • Letting other people take care of themselves.

Bottom line: You have to take care of yourself. And in more than one way. We weren’t built to last. There are enough negative factors surrounding our illnesses as it is, so self-care is the least we can do to try and maintain some semblance of sanity and balance. There’s still going to be bad days, but we just have to try and push through. It’s all we can do.

Kurt Cobain…28 Years Gone

person playing electric guitar

“Hey hey, my my…Rock and roll can never die”

– Neil Young

It’s April 5, 2022 – the 28th anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death. Nearly three decades ago, the “spokesman of a generation” took his own life with a shotgun.

I’ll admit, Nirvana (Kurt Cobain, in particular) had the most profound effect on me. They’re not the greatest band of all time, but Nirvana definitely had a distinct influence on me.

It’s a fitting topic today as Cobain suffered from bipolar disorder and ultimately committed suicide (Granted, drugs played a heavy role in his specific situation). Kurt Cobain followed the stereotypical “bipolar bullet point” fate and fell in the 20% of people who suffered and took their own lives.

I ranted enough yesterday on this matter and how absolutely furious I was (and am) that so many people with this disorder end their lives. There is no magic wand we could wave to fix this, so I feel like it’s all of our jobs to try and make a difference.

Honestly, I am not entirely sure why I honor this day, even if it’s only for five minutes. Some may say it’s obsessive or me going overboard, especially with Kurt’s reputation (When I was younger, I was pigeonholed into a similar spot for being such a fan of a depressed “junkie”).

Kurt was 27 when he died, as was Robert Johnson, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Amy Winehouse, and many other musicians, joining what is now known as the “27 Club”. Kurt was definitely a drug addict. I heard an interesting “fact” that an addict spends on average 7 years of his/her life waiting. Waiting for the man. It’s another sad, eye-opening statistic.

I guess there is no real point I’m trying to make with this post (see my post from yesterday if you’re curious about how I really feel); I just wanted to share my observation of today’s significance. At least for me.

In his suicide note Kurt wrote down a line from a Neil Young song.

“It’s better to burn out than fade away.”

And that’s exactly what he did. He burned bright and fast like a shooting star and then, just like that, it was over. But he will never fade away, and the last 35 years have cemented that fact.

He may not have wanted to be the “spokesman of a generation”, but he is most definitely a true icon.

Anyway, I hope everyone has an amazing day and can find the strength they need to get through it. Life is sometimes hard, and for no particular reason. But it’s our job to pull through.

And we always do.

You Walk on Eggshells, I Walk Thru Fire

orange flame selective focus photography

“Some days, I feel everything at once. Other days, I feel nothing at all. I don’t know what’s worse, drowning beneath the waves, or dying from the thirst.”

– Unknown

Someone close to me recently had their first panic attack and described it as the most frightening experience of their life. Equating it to what a mental/emotional/physical heart attack might hypothetically feel like, it was evident that this person had been truly affected by this incident. And not in any positive way. This person, being aware of my “situation”, came to me to ask if I could remember my first panic attack and what it was like. I paused, struggled, and slowly accepted the realization that no, I could not remember my first panic attack.

I’ve grown accustomed to the panic attacks and the anxiety, just as I have the depression. It all runs together. Not to belabor the point, but this state of mind has become my normal. In fact, I probably wouldn’t know what to do without the highs and the lows and everything else under the sun. Isn’t it funny that the one thing in the world I would do anything to change is the one thing I would miss the most and be lost without? It’s a trap, one of God’s little jokes. And he’s the only one laughing.

I guess that’s kind of my point. For someone with bipolar disorder, learning to live with all of its manifestations and idiosyncrasies becomes an art form, and in the purest sense. I have weathered the storm long enough to not be “used to it” but be accustomed to the qualities you may see as a “hindrance” or a “disability”. It’s quite the opposite at times; bipolar disorder strips away all that you are until you are in your rawest form or mindset. From there, you simply learn to ride the wave because the waves don’t stop. They are forever, and all we can do is attempt to reach a moment of clarity and relief.

I’ve grown so used to being like this that I remain in a constant state of disillusionment. My naturally adopted cynicism never fails to make an appearance. I’m on a constant loop; I’m up, I’m down, I’m level. Up, down, level. By the time I actually do level out and can adopt some perspective, it’s time to get back on that rollercoaster and do it all over again. Never “sane” long enough to enact any real change.

So, anxiety and panic attacks are just par for the course for me. I remain suspended in a mess of pure hopelessness. The difference between us, though, is that I can manage. I can hang. I can hang and you can’t. It may sound like I’m bragging, but I assure you I am not. As it turns out I am not proud. If I didn’t approach this topic with a kind of conceited, bare bones attitude I would be a total mess, and no one needs that.

So, no. I do not remember my first panic attack. I am anxious to a debilitating point at least once a day anyway so you can’t hold it against me. It’s certainly not something I can apologize for. I live in a constant state of panic and anxiety. It’s not that it’s easy or that I’ve gotten used to it. It simply is what it is.

And They’re Coming to Take Me Away Now: A Rant

opened door

“When you are mad, mad like this, you don’t know it. Reality is what you see. When what you see shifts, departing from anyone else’s reality, it’s still reality to you.”

– Marya Hornbacher, Madness: A Bipolar Life

As someone with bipolar disorder, I have a lot of experience in feeling awkward or out of place because of my condition, when said condition is known. It’s nothing new, and although it never “gets easier” you learn to go along with it. Sometimes you got to get ahead of the charade before you become the charade.

That being said, I think it’s a well-known fact that there are major flaws in the modern American healthcare system, especially on the mental healthcare side. In a world where you’re supposed to feel accepted and are taught to “treat everyone blah, blah, blah”……even in a world where I’m taught that I’m no different because of my illness, I STILL have had to jump through hoops, still have had to play the game to just get by. I have been extremely fortunate for the most part, I must say. One instance (that ironically ended up happening on several more occasions), however, was centered around a time I was in just enough control to try and take the reins before something really bad happened.

I was about as manic as one can get without being totally “gone” yet was aware and knew I was going to end up in jail or worse at the rate I was going. It was a type of mania where the amount of clarity provided was too much; I was on the brink, and I knew it. It was like a bad trip, but without the total loss of one’s basic faculties. I was more aware of what was going on than I ever had been, and that was not necessarily a good thing.

So, before things got any worse, I called my psych doctor. I pleaded with her to get me into the short-term facility at the hospital where most of my medical treatment was based out of. She agreed that I was going to end up in jail at the rate of things, and would end up being involuntarily committed. So, this was my dilemma: I needed to become legally adjudicated to “need” a stay in a short-term facility. So, that meant I needed to engage in odd and/or criminal behavior – which was exactly what I was trying to avoid – just to get me a bed at the Mulberry Center.

It was then explained to me that hospitalizations of this repute were generally geared towards the “depressed” and those on that end of the spectrum. I was then told that if I wanted a bed, I knew what I had to do.

Yes. Yes, I guess I did, but I didn’t think that it would come to that. In the end, I was given the ultimatum of entry by being a “threat” to myself based on the level of my “depression”. That or go on my merry way.

So, out of fear for myself and those closest to me, I feigned having “suicidal ideations” due to “depression” – the only way I could get the help I needed (or at least to get away from the general public).

I came out seven days later (this particular go-around, that is) with a stack of color sheets and lists of coping skills and positive affirmations. I was no longer dangerously manic, but only because of yet another med change.

This is just one instance where bipolar disorder has made me feel like an outsider (even in a clinical setting where I was supposed to be receiving treatment, I was an outsider). The whole of it is just a microcosm of a bigger issue. Just another crack in the healthcare system that I, as a member of the “bipolar community”, so depend on.

Another Pause: The Little Things

white ceramic teacup with saucer near two books above gray floral textile

“Resting and relaxing is as important as going out there and making it happen.”

– Hiral Nagda

So, we decided to stay another night just to have a full evening of recovery and relaxation (reading for me) before we make the seven-hour plus drive home. We’ve had a full day of family fun and it seemed like a no-brainer to take a night to unwind before we headed home; no need in going home so worn out that the trip becomes something we want to forget. Also, we all seemed to be excited at the idea of just getting to sit around and read or write or color.

Tomorrow, we return to reality (my wife has to work, and we both have two other children to return to). Not some futuristic definition of reality, just back to our everyday routine. There is nothing wrong with that; reality is, I assume, preferable to the alternative.

This post isn’t going to be too long, so I won’t take much, if any, of your time (assuming you’re even reading this). We’ve all enjoyed this little trip but are also excited about a night of nothing. Even though we’re doing things we can do just as easily at home doesn’t mean we always get to. Life can always get in the way of you being able to finish the last chapter of that book you’ve been reading for two months.

So, I guess my point (other than providing another unnecessary update) is to appreciate the simple things. Real original, right? But seriously, no vacation in the world can make up for the little things that are always right in front of us.

10 Essential Writing Tips from Stephen King’s “On Writing”

In 2002 Stephen King temporarily gave up on writing bestselling novels and wrote a little book chronicling his rise to fame and discussing exactly …

10 Essential Writing Tips from Stephen King’s “On Writing”

A Pause for the Cause

green trees near mountain

“In America, there are two classes of travel: first-class and with children.”

– Robert Benchley

Just checking in.

We’re on day three of what has turned out to be a nice little vacation. My wife, son, and I are in the hills of Tennessee in a nice little cabin with all the “essentials” needed to survive out here with a 5-year-old boy and yes, that means free Wi-Fi, too (it’s inescapable these days, though I do find it amazing how it’s possible to even have electricity and running water in such an isolated area – let alone free Wi-Fi).

We’ve done very little as far as “touristy” things go, to be honest, but that’s been just fine with me. I come down here enough to know that this is the part of the trip that matters. My son has been fascinated by just us staying in a place that’s not a hotel. I’ve also been able to work and mess around on a few things while here, and my wife has her endless supply of “things to do” with her, too.

So, it truly has been a getaway. 75% of what we’ve done on this trip could’ve very well been done at home, so I’m glad this hasn’t been a vacation with a lot of bells and whistles (my wife hasn’t demanded as near as many as pictures as I would’ve expected). It’s been nice to just have a change of scenery and to be able to live on a slower (though not by much) plane of existence, if only for such a short amount of time.

Yes, we will be leaving and going home tomorrow. The end of a trip, especially a good trip, is always heartbreaking. Rolling back into town can be utterly depressing. But that’s how it goes. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy the afternoon at the arcade with my wife and son before a nice dinner and night back here at the cabin.

Happy Birthday, Jack!

empty highway overlooking mountain under dark skies

“The road must eventually lead to the whole world.”

– Jack Kerouac

A week ago today would’ve been Jack Kerouac’s, father of the Beat generation, 100th birthday and I’m surprised I haven’t addressed it yet.

When I was 14 (as cliché as this is going to sound), I read a series of books that either opened up doors for me or that I just liked. And again (as cliché as it sounds), On the Road was one of them. Of course, it was a book that changed the playing field, but for me, it was the introduction to a bigger world. Some of Kerouac’s other books such as Desolation Angels and Tristessa, blew me away just as much, if not more, than On the Road.

However, many of your cultural icons, such as Bob Dylan and Jim Morrison, credit On the Road as being a major influence on them and their work. I credit that book as being a door-opener to a wave of other writers, musicians, etc. More than that, I have to credit the man himself, not only because of the way he wrote but because of the way he lived.

No one ever again will ever truly have those types of experiences, life on the road, getting by just by getting by. No one again will ever have a lifestyle of that type. And not just because of the obvious reasons.

If you don’t know what happened to Kerouac, he ultimately drank himself to death. Another tragic, typical story of an artist who crashed or burned out. There’s no way he would’ve made it to 100. And not just for the obvious reasons.

There’s no way you would’ve made it to 100, Jack. That’s no matter. Happy birthday. Your mark on the world will be felt for eternity,