spouse – Page 2 – Mirrored Madness: The Monster In Me

In Through The Out Door

“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.”
– C.S. Lewis

I have recently (and finally) set out to work on a “bigger project” I’ve imagined for some time now. I’ve only just gotten to the point in attempting to pursue this particular endeavor after both exhaustive research and personal experience.

My blog is very much centered around how bipolar disorder has impacted my life. I myself have to take a more critical, fact-based approach when viewing and interpreting the intricacies of this illness. I have to understand on a very black-and-white level what this journey entails for me.

But knowing facts and statistics doesn’t make one understand what “the beast” is or how it likes to feed. I’ve needed to step outside the box to get a different grasp on things for some time.

In order for me to make the leap to this new “project” I needed to at least try and see things from a different perspective. Unfortunately, it’s the perspective that so plagues and saddens me. So, I decided to speak with ten different “normal” people from various backgrounds to get a better sense of at least why people feel the way they do about the disorder. Whichever way that may be.

I initially went into this task asking why before even asking any real basic questions. It only cast a huge spotlight on my own personal bias. And perhaps just a little bitterness. But that’s for me to bear.

I haven’t the time to share all ten people’s views here or even list all the questions I asked. I thought I would share a few, though. I didn’t get all the answers I wanted, but the process helped me pack up some of my confusion and maybe created a little window of understanding.

WHAT IS BIPOLAR DISORDER AS YOU UNDERSTAND IT?

FEMALE, 52: “It’s a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be treated with medication. It can be difficult to find the correct medication or combination of medications to help. This medication may need to be changed over time due to changes in the body with age and becoming resistant to meds. It becomes very important to stick to your med schedule. See a doctor before making any changes. Don’t make any changes on your own.”

FEMALE, 26: “Bipolar disorder is a mental disorder accompanied by periods of mania and depression. People with bipolar disorder cycle through ups and downs. It can be a very dangerous illness if not treated properly.”

MALE, 30: “It’s a disorder that usually rears at its peak in your 20s. Opposed to an intellectual disability that is diagnosed only before the age of 17. It usually hits women earlier in the 20s rather than men. There’s no cure but there are medications that can manage the signs and symptoms of the disorder.”

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE STIGMA?

FEMALE, 52: “It can be scary because you don’t know what might happen especially if they are cycling and if one is not seeking treatment. It is portrayed in a negative way. I think it’s important for them to get treatment and try to stay well. Try not to draw attention to oneself and don’t forecast your information. People need to be shown as everyday people living their everyday lives.”

MALE, 44: “It’s sad that such stigma does surround mental health and it’s not right. Many people choose to not understand and hide behind that in order to not have to deal with the truth. The truth is real and can be scary, but it’s still the truth. In a world that has become so “diverse” and “accepting it’s amazing to me how we haven’t at least come a little bit further along when it comes to mental health.

MALE, 30: “It’s hard for me to say. I’ve worked around several individuals with bipolar disorder so the way I see it is pretty objective. I think more people today understand that it’s an actual medical condition that needs to be managed just like a condition that is superficial.”

FEMALE, 34: “It must be pretty scary and daunting for someone with bipolar disorder to have to face that kind of scrutiny. But you have to understand it can be scary to someone on the outside who doesn’t understand the illness the way someone with it would. Most people don’t know what to do because you never know how a person with bipolar disorder is going to react.”

HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO INTERACT WITH SOMEONE WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER DURING A CYCLE?

FEMALE, 52: “I haven’t personally, but I know it can be a handful at times. The person with the disorder isn’t always in control and you may never know how they’re going to react to anything. This is when they’re going through their cycles. It’s not always the case.”

MALE, 44: “I have friends with bipolar disorder. One of my best friends suffers from BD and you know what? He manages his symptoms and cycles and leads a very productive life. There’s always going to be the ups and downs, but they can be managed with the proper protocol and treatment plan. So to answer your question…yes, I do have people with bipolar disorder in my life and they’re all wonderful people.”

MALE, 30: “In my profession I work with people with mental health issues and they are people, too. Just like you and me. They just have to work a little bit harder than others to maintain a balance. They’re is nothing wrong with bipolar people. You may know someone who has it and not know at all.”

Well, I could keep going, but I’ve worn myself down just transcribing the few questions and answers above. (Maybe I’ll come back with a Part II and include some more). I’m truly exhausted and even maybe a little more saddened by some of the conversations I had.

The stigma shouldn’t be considered stereotypical of the illness when it stems from either an honest inability to understand or sheer ignorance, one more excusable than the next.

The point is the exercise helped me kick down the door to begin this project. After researching, blogging, and sharing my experiences I just had that moment I needed. And I hope to be able to share more on this project with all of you soon.

So, if it seems like I’m a little absent or even M.I.A. when it comes to this blog, don’t worry. I’m just out here trying to change the world.

Chaos: The Downside to the Downward Spiral

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
– Haruki Murakami

I’m not entirely sure what the actual verbatim textbook definition of the word “chaos” is, but I know for me it can only be described as a constant state of mental confusion and disorganization that leaves me in a place of total loss.

In continuing this phase of “productive self-reflection” (at least while I can), I have to look at that word and take it seriously. It’s thrown around a lot, yes, but definitely not loosely. Chaos is exactly what it is.

To me, chaos is a much worse feeling or place to be in than that of depression or sheer mania. Chaos may be a sort of offshoot of depression and mania (or vice versa), but there is a very specific difference that doesn’t allow these feelings the wherewithal to be blurred or misconstrued.

Experiencing chaos during a cycle is a given guaranteed (I mean, duh), but that doesn’t ever make it any easier to deal with or handle. The inner chaos that accompanies a bout of depression and/or mania is blindly debilitating. Between the disorganization and the delusions, there’s nothing worse than being hyper aware that you’re totally lost. It’s an uncomfortable feeling at best.

My chaos is all encompassing, surrounding and infiltrating every little nuance in my head. It is both the storm and the aftermath.

For the sake of not sounding pretentious, perhaps self-reflection isn’t the best tool for me.

Just going to enjoy the downtime.

They Didn’t Break The Mold With Me

“The biggest gift of being unambiguously mentally ill is the time I’ve saved myself trying to be normal.”
– Mark Vonnegut

In our modern day and age it can be easy to get wrapped up in oneself under even the most “typical” or “normal” circumstances. But when graced with a mental illness, any mental illness, those of us afflicted can sometimes really get lost in our own slanted egos.

I know I’m just as guilty as the next person in this department. It’s not a conscious decision, though. Honestly, it’s like being the last person to know something about yourself when you should really be the first.

I’ve been trying to stay as reflective as possible lately, hoping against hope I remember my own lessons in self-introspection the next time some unpredictable phase begins to take the wheel. Never the case, but I can only do what I can do.

Many people who know me consider me a “pessimist”, and I no longer argue or adopt the “realist” angle; I find it’s too time consuming and usually scoffed at. I, more or less, consider myself to be a true cynic. And when I say “cynic” I mean it in a strictly philosophical sense.

“Cynic” may not even be strong enough of a word. The approach and viewpoints I have towards all things is more nihilistic in nature. I suppose the ideas could be considered interchangeable to some degree, but I’m not trying to mince words or argue behind semantics.

I guess my point is no matter what, my mental illness always defines me to some extent. Just not always in the same way. I’m either the elite outcast to a fault, or I stay crouched in the shadows, hoping no one will even know I’m there.

I’ll always be different because I technically am in a certain way. But so is everyone. Sometimes we just have to accept that in order to let go of what can at times be an overwhelming sense of delusional entitlement.

I don’t want to keep playing in extremes if it means I lose sight of reality. But my reality exists in extremes. There is no denying that. All I can do is try to be aware of what I can be and use that awareness to my advantage. And in the times that I lack a personal self-awareness I have to just manage. There is no cure or recovery from what ails me, only management. That’s depressing enough as it is, but I’m not the first nor will I be the last person to know that sense of lonely desperation.

One thing is for sure, though. I’m no better than anyone, even on my best/worst of days. Though perhaps unique in my own personal way, they most definitely did not break the mold with me.

a day in the life: mind over mania

“You know how most illnesses have symptoms you can recognize? Well, with manic depression, it’s sexual promiscuity, excessive spending, and substance abuse—and that just sounds like a fantastic weekend in Vegas to me!”
– Carrie Fisher

It seems the older I get the less I enjoy the mania. At one point in my life, though, I would have clung to it up until it completely fizzled out, but not anymore. The mania…well, whatever being or entity is in control of things can just keep it.

“Mind over mania.” It’s almost an oxymoron of a mantra as there is no such thing. At least not for me. When in the full throes of a severe manic episode I have control over none of my mental or cognitive faculties. When manic, I exist only on an island of delusions.

It is nice to be able to look back and reflect on a period of mania and have a true perspective on things. That’s not always the case, and the lines between awareness and disregard can become pretty blurred at times.

When I usually try and look back on how a manic phase has affected me and/or those around me, I always end back up to the “bullet points”. I love the “bullet points” just about as much as I love the lists of “coping skills”. I know. I sound pretty cynical and bitter, but I’m not meaning to. The clarity genuinely makes some past chaos all the more meaningful.

Looking back on a period of mania without the type of clarity I’m trying to describe is like trying to look through a dirty window into another: you can get the gist of what’s going on, but as a whole it’s never really quite clear.

So, today I hope to remain productively reflective for as long as I possibly can. If “first thought” really is “best thought” then I’m going to go ahead and stop now.

SPOTLIGHT: Kurt Cobain

“The sun is gone, but I have a light.”
– Kurt Cobain, Dumb

Not all days are bad days, and sometimes I have nothing in particular I need or want to say. So, I started a little “Spotlight” segment in which I talk about someone of cultural prominence who suffers from bipolar disorder. The idea is to use a “poof”-style piece to shine a light on said chosen person. It’s a personal exercise and challenge, and also helps make this illness just a tad more relatable. This is my second “Spotlight” piece, the first of which was on Vincent Van Gogh.

This one is on Kurt Cobain.

Kurt Cobain was born in February of 1967 in Aberdeen, Washington. As a child he was diagnosed with ADD and developed bipolar disorder later on in life. Never pursuing treatment, though, Cobain struggled with severe depression throughout his entire life, often turning to drugs to self-medicate.

Cobain is best known as the front man and main creative force behind the rock band Nirvana.

Nirvana began playing together in the 1980s but would undergo countless name changes and at least four other drummers before permanently sticking with Dave Grohl in 1990.

Although their debut album, Bleach, was recorded and released in 1989, it was their sophomore effort, Nevermind, that really cemented their place in history. Driven by the hit song “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, as well as a slew of other rock radio staples, the album knocked Michael Jackson off the top of the charts and catapulted the band to near-overnight fame.

This really didn’t sit well with Cobain, though. He never intended or wanted to become as popular as he ultimately became. He was labeled the “Voice of his Generation”, which also did not sit well with him.

As mentioned above, Cobain often turned to drug use as a means to handle the sudden onslaught of fame, along with other various personal issues. Cobain’s drug of choice was heroin, and he became extremely addicted to the powerful substance, even to the point of overdosing around family and friends.

Nirvana went on to release only one other official studio album, In Utero. It was a drastic departure from the material on their previous album, and was the album Cobain was most proud of.

Cobain’s songwriting skills are his most notable and spoken of talents, as he is often lumped into many “best songwriters of all time” lists. He was moody, bright-eyed, and honest in his writing, creating a mass appeal in all he did.

Ultimately, though, between his severe depression, his inability to handle public pressures, and his extreme dependence on heroin, Cobain committed suicide in 1994 at the age of 27. He left behind a wife and daughter.

One thing I must express is that you don’t have to use drugs or suffer from a mental illness to be creative or productive. Suicide isn’t the answer, either, yet I have no room nor am I in any position to even speak on that.

I only add this little tidbit because the subject of the last “Spotlight” piece, Vincent Van Gogh, also committed suicide. There are many amazingly creative and genius people out there who do not follow the same path as either of these two men.

I promise we won’t end this series on a “Van Gogh” or a “Kurt Cobain”, if only just to prove my point. Sometimes it’s best to just stay in the light.

Until next time.

a day in the life: hope(ful)

“For too long we have swept the problems of mental illness under the carpet… and hoped that they would go away.”
– Richard Codey

Whoever said “hope springs eternal” never offered me any sound advice on the mantra.

Despite being someone who operates from a place of hopelessness, hope seems to be all I have at times.

Though it’s always been the case, I’m finding it harder and harder to accept. I don’t feel like I could ever know what “true” hope is without being phony on a level I could never be okay with.

No known cause. No existing cure. Just managing the in-between areas of the highs and lows. The aesthetics of the situation are dull, even repulsive at times.

That being said…there do seem to be more “easy” days than not. I’m doing my best to hold out hope that that remains to be.

As a husband and a father, I continue to hold out hope just for hope’s sake.

Even in times of sheer hopelessness, there is always some sliver of something, I’ve learned. If not hope then a mild form of something similar, and I’ll take it.

So, even when the darkness seems to be all encompassing, I’ll at least try to stay aware that hope exists somewhere outside the scope of my current field of “vision”.

I truly do hope that mantra is more than just an acquired confidence. But if not, it’s one I hope to acquire.

Me, Myself, & the Genetic Connection?

“Can I get a reprieve?
This gene pool don’t hurt me.”
Pearl Jam, My Father’s Son

As I’ve mentioned before, there is no one, direct cause when it comes to bipolar disorder. However, it is known that approximately 80% of the cause has been traced back to genetics. And with the heritability rate of bipolar disorder being off the charts, it’s only natural for me to wonder who is responsible for passing this on down the line to me.

Right?

It’s a joke, yes, but one that I stumbled upon honestly.

I have been on this journey of “true” self-knowledge for more than 15 years so I’ve learned to pick up on my own cues for the most part. But if a major part of this affliction is hereditary then I feel I deserve to know a little more.

I’m not being facetious in wanting names or anything. I just feel if genetics plays a major role in my particular “predicament” I deserve to have AT LEAST a vague outline of things.

Sometimes…most of the time…I have no idea whether I’m coming or going so a little clarity couldn’t hurt. May not help, either. In fact, it probably wouldn’t so I’d just be happy with another shot in the dark or just some more hope.

Now before I begin to sound any more pretentious or whiny, I know I’m not alone in having to deal with this process of acceptance and self-awareness. At this point, however, I just assumed I was past this part of the process. But as with the bouts of mania and depression, the process of “figuring things out” on a higher level is in of itself a big cycle. A vicious cycle. And one that has enough “lessons” to last a lifetime.

I may never get the answers I want. Or like. We in the bipolar community may have to just get used to it, but it doesn’t mean we have to like it.

I may never learn the direct cause of my bipolar disorder. But I do know there are many effects. These highs and lows are all effects. The way my behavior affects others around me is an effect. But so is my fight onward.

Cause and effect. There’s a cause to every effect. I just ask that, for the sake of myself and millions of others, you don’t take the effect and make it the cause.

Even if it is in your genes.

Lithium: Bipolar disorder’s gateway drug

“I’m so happy because today I found my friends, they’re in my head.”
– Nirvana, Lithium

There are dozens of different medications available on the market for the treatment of bipolar disorder, yet one has remained the main go-to for nearly a century.

I’m talking about lithium. For more than 70 years, lithium has been the “gold standard” drug usually prescribed after getting one’s initial diagnosis. After all this time it is still considered to be one of the most effective medications for the disorder. But like everything else concerning this disease, the benefits can always come at a cost.

Lithium, a naturally occurring element, was first used in the 19th century for the treatment of gout. Scientists believed the element helped to naturally break down uric acid. However, the level of lithium needed to do so was toxic.

It was then discovered lithium was a good treatment for episodes of both mania and depression, but particularly mania. It has been used as a treatment for such ailments since the 1870s.

However, it was Australian psychiatrist John Cade, who in 1949 wrote one of the first papers on lithium as a treatment for mania, in turn making it a more widely prescribed medication.

Although used regularly since Cade’s discovery, the FDA didn’t approve the drug until 1970. Despite being one of the main drugs prescribed for the treatment of bipolar disorder, lithium, like any other drug, still has many possible side effects including:

nausea
shaking
dry mouth
frequent urination
diarrhea
weight gain
increased thirst
loss of appetite
kidney trouble
lowered activity
fatigue
emotional numbness or a dull feeling

There are, however, more serious side effects from taking lithium than those listed above. It is important to stay hydrated and get regular lab work done to monitor and prevent lithium toxicity in the blood.

Signs of lithium toxicity include:

trouble concentrating
confusion
fatigue
vomiting and diarrhea
poor coordination
muscle weakness, twitching, and tremors
an abnormal heart rhythm
seizures

Doctors will also check creatine levels to monitor kidney function. This is another long-term effect of the use of lithium. If creatine levels are too high this may be a sign of improper kidney function and can cause kidney disease.

It is still not completely known why lithium is so helpful in the treatment of bipolar disorder since a decreased level of lithium in the body doesn’t increase one’s chances of developing bipolar disorder. It is known, however, that lithium positively interacts with a number of neurons and neurotransmitters in brain cells.

Described in one 2017 study as “an oldie but a goodie”, lithium continues to be one of the more reliable mood stabilizers used for the treatment of bipolar disorder.

Sticks & Stones

There is an article by Stephen Propst called “10 Things NOT to Say to Someone with Bipolar” that, somewhat pretentiously, hit me hardcore.

We as humans sometimes forget the damage our words can inflict. So, without being self-righteous, here are some things one should try to avoid saying to someone with bipolar disorder:

1. “I thought you were taking your medication.”

Although it’s not uncommon for someone with this illness to stop taking their medication once they feel they’re “better”, it’s usually not a topic of conversation that most people with bipolar disorder want to have or be accused of.

2. “You know he’s “bipolar,” don’t you?”

A comment like this can end up being counterproductive and even destructive. People with bipolar disorder don’t like to be reduced to their diagnosis.

3. “Everyone Is a Little Bipolar Sometimes”

This one can come across as really insensitive and is dismissive of a person’s experiences with this illness.

4. “We used to have high hopes for you.”

I mean, come on. It is NEVER a good idea to kill someone else’s dreams by being rude because one may have a mental illness.

5. “It doesn’t take much to set you off!”

Now this is a comment that clearly might set one off. Tearing someone down who may need you could trigger a bipolar episode, manic or depressive.

6. “Why can’t you just be happy?”

Oh, believe me, we try (and are still trying), but having a mood disorder defined by such highs and lows could quite possibly hinder someone’s happiness and overall mood.

7. “Everyone Is Bipolar Sometimes”

A turn of phrase that ends up coming across in an insensitive and dismissive way. Don’t generalize someone’s condition to try to make them feel better.

8. “You Don’t Seem Like You’re Bipolar”

The highs and lows associated with bipolar disorder come in cycles or episodes so there are periods of “normalcy” and being leveled out. Never assume that someone is okay because their symptoms aren’t obvious to you.

And now for my favorite…

10. You’re bipolar?

This comment can take the wind right out of my sails. Sometimes you feel comfortable and open enough to talk about your illness. But then you realize your family and friends are basing every action and reaction on your illness. Or is that my personal paranoia? That’s why that specific question/comment has always been hurtful and offensive.

Here is a list of 8 things from the article one should say to someone they know is suffering from bipolar disorder.

1. “This is a medical illness and it is not your fault.”

2. “I am here. We’ll make it through this together.”

3. “You and your life are important to me.”

4. “Tell me how I can help.”

5. “I might not know how you feel, but I’m here to support you.”

6. “Whenever you feel like giving up, tell yourself to hold on for another minute, hour, day — whatever you feel you can do.”

7.”You’re not alone.”

8. “Your illness doesn’t define who you are. You are still you, with hopes and dreams you can attain.”

Sticks and stones, right? Words can sometimes cause more damage than we intend, though. And this isn’t any kind of guilt trip; I only mean to help.

Be the positive, encouraging friend or family member to your loved one who is suffering from this disorder. There is no cure and there is no true recovery. There is only management.

On the Outside…

Can someone with bipolar disorder have a normal relationship? Although it’s a question that is as ignorant as it sounds, I can, to some extent, see how it could raise some red flags for someone on the other side. But if your loved one has bipolar disorder, it is possible to have a “normal” relationship.

Okay. I can admit that I’m probably not always the easiest person to live with. I can concede that. But I was never so aware of how many “bipolar bullet points” I was checking off the list until my wife and I had a truly candid conversation about my condition.

She knows how I hate the stereotypical things one hears about bipolar disorder, such as phrases like “walking on eggshells”, etc. But once the conversation began, it was clear there was no way back from where we were going. I was the cancer, I was the cure.

I must be thankful the conversation came about the way it did, however, because A) it was organic, and B) I wasn’t experiencing any signs of mania or depression. Just curiosity. And from what I had heard it had killed the cat.

But ignorance is not always bliss and I decided that this was one of those situations in which that was true.

It’s strange how, like bipolar disorder itself and those who suffer from it, the “symptoms” a spouse or partner of someone with it may exhibit are similar.

Similar in the fact that they can’t be cured, only managed. And even that is a stretch at times.

When my wife began to tell me about some of my “extreme” moments and how she would handle them, I felt microscopic in size. Not in the “oh, woe is me” sense, but in the “how could I allow myself to make her feel that way” sense. When I asked how she was able to handle all of my behavior without leaving or going crazy, she told me she could tell the difference between me and the disease. She had taken the time to educate herself on what bipolar disorder is and had listened at all my appointments.

She also said it was important to communicate, when it was the right time to communicate. Again, I normally would’ve taken this negatively, like I was too fragile to handle a conversation. But because we were able to have the conversation, we continued.

She reminded me that no matter what the situation, we had always worked through it. Even if it’s one where I may not be totally aware that is going on; even being manic and/or depressed at times, I still contributed and offered value. She told me she watched for my “triggers” and kept an eye on certain behaviors.

What I wondered was how I could be so blind or, even worse, careless as to what my wife experienced or how she felt during one of my episodes. How is she still here? WHY is she still here?

She told me. And then she explained it to me. And then explained to me how I wouldn’t understand so not to worry about it. She said it’s just like any other relationship when it comes to honesty and transparency, communication and trust. They’re all “must-haves” no matter the circumstances.

Regardless, however, it was a conversation and/or situation that could have been handled or dealt with negatively and it wasn’t. And those are the types of situations one should put themselves into any time they get the chance. I plan to fully from this moment on.

And remember, if you can take it without lashing out or getting sad, then take it. Those are the feelings you need to feel.

Let yourself feel them.