“Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”
– Stephen Fry
It’s been one of those days, and if it’s anything like the last half of yesterday then you can count me out.
It’s just one of those days.
I’d rather be down than manic, though. The mania can be dangerous and is exhausting on a whole other level. I in no way benefit from the mania anymore.
It’s strange because March/April is when I usually cycle and experience my mania. So, to be “depressed” or just down is unexpected and, to be honest, seemingly out there in left field.
Even my dreams lately (and I rarely remember my dreams) seem to be a place of ruin where nothing comes together, and sleep becomes a place of complete dissolution. This endless cycle is a prison, and also the only home I’ve ever known.
I have adjusted and adapted to this idea of “normalcy” rather well, but even that is not enough. In the end, it’s all just a matter of timing. Just got to wait for things to catch up.
When depressed, every day winds down to the same thing, the same occurrences, the same happenings, the same void that I go through on repeat. It returns with an almost obligatory vengeance.
My brain beats to a drum, it doesn’t tick to a clock. Still, I’ll remain on this eternal schedule of Hell. And they wonder why I don’t speak of God.
Blame it all on temperament, personality, or a chemical imbalance. In the end, it still falls back on me.
*An opinion piece I published in another publication*
The debate over prayer in school has been one of high contention for decades now, and with the dispute still making headlines it only makes me wonder if any real progress or headway has been made. Or will ever be made.
It was recently announced that the Supreme Court will hear the case of a high school football coach who was fired over holding postgame prayers at the 50-yard line. A federal appeals court ruled that the school board could force said coach from holding these after game prayer circles. This may be an offshoot of the actual “prayer in school” debate, but it is a slippery slope and here is where we are. This is definitely a case to keep an eye on.
It’s important to note in this particular case the fact that the Supreme Court has never outlawed prayer in school, so long as it is done privately, willingly, and in a way that is not forced or disruptive. However, the debate was first heard by the Supreme Court in 1962 in a case called Engel v. Vitale. The ruling handed down determined that prayer in school was a direct violation of the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. At the same time, many in favor argued that disallowing or banning prayer in school is a direct violation of religious freedoms also protected by the U.S. Constitution.
An issue I once considered pretty cut-and-dry as a matter of personal opinion is actually one dictated by politics more so than morals and religion. But of course, that’s the way it goes. The principle is lost behind an agenda of “right fighters”, all claiming to have the answer based off whatever they feel they need to say to keep their jobs. I’ve often wondered how serious an issue this really should be considered and feel that maybe it should have remained a little more cut-and-dry.
When I say “cut-and-dry” I merely mean to each their own. If you are against prayer in school, you probably want to have your cake and eat it too; as long as it’s not the white, Christian God then pray away, right? And if you are for prayer in school, you have to consider all religions instead of making it a Christian and non-Christian debate.
The California Board of Education and Department of Education (CDE) just recently settled a lawsuit with parents over a certain Ethnic Studies program that required students to recite certain prayers and chants to Aztec gods. According to the suit, the CDE infringed upon California Constitution’s establishment clauses and state law banning government aid in promoting or teaching any religion in any particular fashion. This is a side of the issue that makes sense to me. If the recitation of these prayers and chants were taught as part of the educational curriculum provided by the state then I would have to side with the parents in the suit: religion should not be imposed upon someone in school per se, especially if it is a requirement and for a grade.
See? A slippery slope, indeed.
My feelings surrounding the matter are slanted, for sure. Although that may sound like I want to have my cake and eat it, too, I assure you that’s not what I mean by “slanted”.
Although a very polarizing, “Conservative vs. Moderate” issue most of the time, each and every circumstance is different and must be analyzed based on its own merit. A football coach getting fired for praying after a game, as long as it not forced upon the players, is an extreme that is less of a slippery slope and more of a nosedive into sheer ignorance. That being said, I honestly feel prayer in school should be done at the individual’s discretion, if at all, and in a way that doesn’t isolate or make other students uncomfortable. School is supposed to serve a singular purpose, and that’s not to divide the aisles any more than they already are by personal religious beliefs. There are already enough divisive issues our children are going to have to face in the school environment. Should we really add another one?
I also feel if you’re going to hang up a picture of Jesus Christ in your school (I attended a school in which this was the case), then it’s only fair to hang one up of Buddha, Mohammed, etc. If we’re going to pray in school, let’s keep it fair.
Prayer in school should not be a forced part of any school’s curriculum. The world and current cultural norms are only becoming more diverse, so for prayer in school to even be part of any discussion all voices must be heard.
It is ironic to me, however, how a majority of the proponents for prayer in school are pretty close-minded in their beliefs and how those beliefs should be carried out. Is this an across-the-board fact? No. And I wouldn’t dare to speak on an issue in such a blanketed, black-and-white way. I will, however, remain steadfast in my belief that the motives for or against prayer in school are skewed and usually exist for the wrong reasons.
In finding some forgiveness of loneliness, and with a strange acceptance of suffering, I can now look back on it all with a dim understanding. It happened at a time when creativity existed within me at an exhausting level. There was a maddening frenzy in the way things came out of me, pouring with sympathy, yet offering nothing.
It was a late spring day, like any other. The afternoon sun hung in the sky, low and domineering, and the confused aromas of the season were in full force. Spring, a season with a natural thickness of rebirth in the air that creates its own swelter, is a season I’ve come to both love and hate.
I could sense the onset of the stifling evening, and the heat wasn’t even a factor. There was something else in the air contributing to my restless unease. Little did I know that day would be the end of an innocence I can now only barely remember.
***
We lived on a hill just below the county hospital, with a deep jungle of ditch lines in our backyard. On the other side of the ditch lived another family: a woman named Vanessa, her son, Allen, and her boyfriend Mike. As time passed my family formed some sort of relationship with “our neighbors to the south,” as they jokingly became known. We would have cookouts and pool parties. We’d all even go fishing from time to time. So we became friends. At the very least we were friendly.
Although our families had become rather close, no one noticed the shift in Mike’s behavior in the beginning.
That may have been because there wasn’t much of a difference in his behavior; it was more of a slight, unexplainable change in his attitude. He had always been a naturally happy-go-lucky kind of guy who, out of nowhere it seemed, started acting like a totally different person, like a mean drunk.
When the “change” in Mike did become somewhat noticeable, the people around him chalked it up to being nothing but a man going through a hard time, probably because of his job. Mike was a professional tree trimmer, and in that profession, it seems like you’re either raking it in or getting raked over.
Mike wasn’t just your average tree trimmer, though. This man would tackle a tree, be hundreds of feet in the air, and be anything and everything but scared or nervous. He had these great big spikes that he would attach to the bottom of his boots, allowing him to scale any size of tree with nothing but a few ropes and his chainsaw. I had the chance to see him work a few times and would watch, sometimes in awe and others in fear. I had respect for him for that reason alone; he was one of the bests at what he did, no doubt about that.
Little did anyone know, however, Mike was struggling with more than just a lack of work or with problems at home. Mike, along with my father, was a big drinker, mostly beer but an occasional bottle got passed around. My father and Mike both could become rambunctious, even hard to handle at times, but it was mostly innocent.
There’s that word again.
But then the occasional bottle turned into a steady supply. Still, though, no one was quite sure what caused this change in Mike. And no one asked. I think my family really believed it was troubles at work or home. I didn’t have any real opinion.
All I can say now is that it was much more serious than work troubles.
***
So as the stifling afternoon turned into an even more suffocating evening, I was eating dinner with my parents when the familiar red and blue flashes of police lights became noticeable through our dining room window. Usually none of us would have cared, let alone moved, but my dad jumped up when he realized which house the cops had gone to.
Mike’s.
We all ran outside to try to find out what was going on. But before we could cross the ditch line, I saw a light even brighter than the cops’ lights (there were several squad cars at the house by this time). I got across the ditch and discovered the bright light I was seeing was a spotlight, pointed up and shining into one of the tallest trees in Mike’s yard.
And what I saw next turned my full-on sprint into a disoriented jog. The light the police were using was shining on Mike, who had climbed as high as he could in the tree behind his house and appeared to be wearing a homemade noose around his neck.
At first, I couldn’t be sure if what I was seeing was real. This had all happened so fast. There was just too much going on. Too many people shuffling around and talking. Too many voices coming from first responders, unsure of what to do.
Too many lights.
And Mike…
The sight of Mike in that tree, standing on a branch with a noose around his neck…
I was in shock.
Mike started shouting down from the branch he was standing on. He wanted “everyone to leave and to just be left alone.” He was crying, yet somehow remained stoic as he continued his demands. My dad tried to talk to him, and Mike stopped yelling long enough to listen and say something I’ll never forget.
“Just get out of here. It’s too late.”
Before my dad could respond, a fire truck pulled into the yard. Immediately, Mike threatened to jump if it didn’t leave.
As this scary scene continued to unfold I noticed the big spike boots I had seen him wear before. Wow, I remember thinking, he’s serious. He’s beyond serious.
He was so high in that tree I wasn’t sure if the ladder on the fire truck could even reach him. If it even came to that.
No one seemed to be in any big hurry. I didn’t understand then, but I do now. Any sudden or dramatic actions could, and most likely would have, provoked Mike to jump.
No question about that.
As the fire truck pulled in and parked in the yard as close to the tree as necessary, a “crisis team” from an area counseling center showed up. My backyard had become some sort of neon nightmare with all the lights flashing across the sky, across the night throughout the neighborhood.
I wasn’t sure how this was going to play out by this point and honestly had become beyond fearful. It was an emotion I didn’t recognize at first, but yes, fear was what it was.
This was real.
By this time, of course, there was already a crowd of onlookers outside, steadily growing. I could hear police talking about the “tactics” they were undoubtedly trained for in these “types of situations.”
I may not have been alone in my concern for this man, but it sure was starting to feel like it.
The noise continued but through it all, through all the yelling and commotion, what I could hear most clearly was Mike, crying.
An officer approached my dad and I, apparently noticing the only person Mike would carry some sort of rapport with was my dad. They talked in voices I couldn’t hear, frankly not wanting to. But I didn’t want to leave either, which is what happened next. A desk-type cop barked at me to go back to my house and my dad made sure I did just that.
My dad rushed me across the ditch line and told me to go inside. I wasn’t happy with his demand, but I didn’t argue; this wasn’t the time or place. Before I could comply, though, my dad was gone, across the ditch and back over in Mike’s backyard.
But by the time he got back, it was too late.
By the time he got back Mike’s patience and belligerence had run its course, which were the only things keeping his feet on that tree branch he had climbed up to.
What was keeping his neck inside that homemade noose before he jumped I’m afraid we’ll never know.
But in one last bout of gusto, it was all over. Mike shouted something I couldn’t make out and jumped off of the tree branch.
And I wish there was something more to say.
***
Mike’s body hung in that tree for more than six hours after he killed himself. I’m sure the police and investigators would have some sort of explanation about “proper procedures and protocol.” But it didn’t make much sense to me, not then or now.
I remember as I woke up for school the next day (if I had even slept at all) there were still police in Mike’s backyard. Mike’s body had just been cut and lowered from the tree after dangling all night.
I stood in my backyard as Mike’s sheeted body was being loaded up. Seeing that made me realize I hadn’t yet processed any of this. There had been no tears, no time for tears. Tears were not part of the “proper procedures and protocol,” not for these “types of situations,” anyway.
My dad was outside, too, and came up to me. We looked at each other, the silence between us almost comforting. Exhaustion had become him, and I could tell that he hadn’t had any time for tears either.
I could see the morning sun shining through the trees, perched up in the sky as if being held up by the wood line and nothing else. It was as if the sun was even sad.
My dad wiped a single tear from his left eye and stood up. All of the police and emergency vehicles were gone at this point.
“They left the rope,” my dad said, pointing up to the tree.
And they had. I didn’t see it at first, but they had. Most of the thick, blue rope Mike had used to hang himself with was still up in the tree.
“Can you believe that? They left the rope.”
No time for tears, no time for questions.
We stood there in the backyard in silence for a long time. My dad finally spoke, telling me it was time for him to get ready for work for me to get ready for school.
School? How could I go to school just hours after seeing a man hang himself in my backyard practically?
My apprehension must’ve been on display on my face because my dad began one of his familiar speeches.
When my dad finished, he hugged me and sent me back into the house, and again told me it was time to get ready for school.
Mirrored Madness: The Monster In Me 