reading – Mirrored Madness: The Monster In Me

We’re Really in The Soup, Aren’t We?

That is what madness is, isn’t it? All the wheels fly off the bus and things don’t make sense anymore. Or rather, they do, but it’s not a kind of sense anyone else can understand
– Audrey Niffennegger

After two weeks, a slight return. Whether it’s my children or my day job (it’s only June and we’re hitting 105 degrees with the heat index – not exactly prime conditions for mowing), free time has been non-existent for me, and it’s affected all avenues of my writing for the time being. If I can’t write, I will read. There hasn’t been too much time for either of those things, though. Stuck in the soup.

I do, however, have something on my mind. I live in a small town. Bars, churches, and fast-food restaurants take up most of the space. Conservatives, drunks, and drunk conservatives take up most of what’s left, not leaving much of anything for the rest of us. So, there aren’t a lot of resources for…anything. This became all too clear recently after watching a local Facebook group dedicated to those suffering from drug and alcohol addiction do battle with members of Small Mind, USA.

Agree or disagree, alcoholism and addiction are considered diseases in the scientific and medical fields. Diseases can be managed or treated so not all hope is lost. To many, though, addiction is a choice. I’m not going to pretend that I know the ins and outs of all of the science, but it shouldn’t take a scientist to understand the effects alcohol and drug use have on human biology and brain chemistry.

“You chose to put the needle in your arm, junky.” Granted, that’s kind of fair, I guess, but on a very low, superficial level. It’s not so black and white. Not at all.

That was just one of the many negative, ignorant comments posted on this “recovery group’s” Facebook page. I felt so bad watching these people who are trying to find empowerment through recovery get torn apart by the vicious ignorance of the misinformed. And on a digital platform, no less.

“Our tax dollars shouldn’t go to paying for your methadon.” Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Ignorant and illiterate. If you can’t spell “methadone” then you shouldn’t have a fighting hand in the argument.

I must give it up to the recovery group and its members, though. They stayed firm in their decree while also taking the higher ground by not going on the attack.

The one thing it made me realize is if this recovery group is getting criticized to this extent, what “challenges” would a support group for the mentally ill face in a small town? My town particularly. Would we be laughed at? Called lazy? Told to suck it up? Probably all those things and then some.

It’s pointless to feel hopeless, though. Some things will never change or will only at a rate so slow I won’t be here to see the repercussions of any of the progress.

Although mental health resources are usually limited everywhere, I’m sure it’s a little different in my town of 2,000 people. There is a “county counselling service”, but good luck getting an appointment or consultation there. The system is more than broken. It’s non-existent in some places.

I don’t have much else to say about this. There is nothing I can say that hasn’t already been said. Mental Health Awareness Month is almost over, and I don’t feel it’s made much difference or was “successful” in any special way. “Awareness” is a relative term, even useless at times. Did we remember to call our support groups together? Did we make T-shirts for everyone, or picket in the streets? Mental Health Awareness Month was just a month wasted on pride for our condition, not a celebration of our endeavors and struggles. Nothing was truly spotlighted except “woo weee…it’s our month.” Every day is Mental Health Awareness Month for me. And for many others reading and stuck in the soup.

I’m trying to be a realist but am recognizing all I do is complain about the ignorance or misgivings of those who don’t understand or agree. And who knows when or if real change will occur. Perspectives and foundational ideologies must change for many and that’s not up to me or any of us. But for the time being I’ll remain here, in the soup.

Social Media Totally Hijacked My Mental Health

“People who smile while they are alone used to be called insane until we invented smartphones and social media.”
– Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Not entirely or fully accurate, but the damage has been done. Forget the needle. In this day and age, it’s more like TikTok and the damage done.

Without doing any research on the topic, I am sure there has been a multitude of tests and studies conducted to compare the effects of drugs on the human brain to that of social media on the human brain. It’s quite clear neither is truly healthy for anyone (you can decide which is worse), but what direct effect does social media and its use have on our mental health and overall psychological well-being?

In 2021, there were around 3 billion active monthly users of various social media, and that only continues to grow. It shows that if it is indeed a problem, it’s not going away anytime soon.

Comparing the problem to being one “as big as climate change”, Facebook whistleblower Frances Haugen leaked thousands of documents that showed Facebook knew the harm it could cause as a social media platform and did nothing about it. Money above all else. Always. Thanks, Zuckerberg.

THE SCIENCE

One study conducted shows that “companies use mechanisms in our brain to hook us on social media.” A typical social media platform’s initial goal is to ultimately “hook” us, which in turn gives them a serious form of complex control. There’s also significant proof to suggest that irresponsible social media practices can lead to anxiety, depression, sleep disruption, and anti-social behavior.

As mentioned before, I knew there were obvious ramifications to us humans by the irresponsible, overuse of social media – I just never knew what they were specifically. I would have never initially guessed the correlation between social media use and anxiety and depression. It makes perfect sense, though. Sometimes you just need to see things through a different lens before fully understanding the scope of the matter.

“Social media is basically a way to drugify human connection,” Anna Lembke, MD, said. “One of the ways our brain gets us to make those connections is [to] release dopamine. Things that are addictive release a lot more dopamine in the brain.”

According to Lembke, the more we trigger that intense pleasure response we get from social media, “the more we crave it.” It begins to take hold like a drug, to where you continually need more and more of it to reach one’s desired (or required) level or “high”, for lack of a better word. It’s like gambling because you always return when your odds are very low. It is a constant need for validation by way of the internet which can quickly get out of control.

THE DANGERS

Other than the ones already mentioned, the dangers of the overuse of social media can range from emotional to mental to physical. One of the more significant aspects of the damage being done stems from sleep issues caused by social media use. The effects that sleep, or a lack thereof, can have on both mind and body are scary and dangerous.

Recent studies suggest people who frequently use social media feel more depressed. Social media can make one feel isolated and alone. One study of young adults in the U.S. found that “occasional users of social media are three times less likely to experience symptoms of depression than heavy users.” However, the loneliness created by the isolation can cause depression and anxiety in anyone.

Another danger posed is the damage caused by how it can boost one’s self-esteem. Yes, you read that right. It’s the way people seek out that self-esteem boost that is damaging. This is done by commenting on or posting something with the goal of receiving some sort of unhealthy positive feedback. The search for confirmation by means of feigned or exaggerated circumstances is unhealthy in and of itself. The repercussions of this style of self-gratification can be serious and can also lead to severe psychological problems.

Online bullying is another possible danger. This could take shape in the form of general bullying, by use of offensive or insulting language, or any number of other hurtful behaviors. When this behavior happens on a social media platform, it is widely viewed and even shared. This makes it nearly impossible to reduce the impact.

YOUTH IS TRAGEDY

These are just some of the things that can be negatively impacted by social media. So, why do users keep coming back?

“When the outcome is unpredictable, the behavior is more likely to repeat,” Jacqueline Sperling, PhD, said. “One does not know how many likes a picture will get, who will ‘like’ the picture, and when the picture will receive likes. The unknown outcome and the possibility of a desired outcome can keep users engaged with the sites.”

This is especially true with teenagers and young people. One of the reasons is the fear of missing out. Say, you’re not on social media but all your friends are. This can create a sense of being left out or of missing out on something others in your peer group get to experience. However, the younger you are when you start, the stronger the impact will be down the line.

Sterling also points out that a filter attached to the digital world can cause confusion amongst young people. It can blur the line between what’s real and what’s not.

“Middle school already is challenging for students with all of their developmental changes,” Sterling said. “As they go through puberty, they’re tasked with establishing their identity at a time when the frontal lobes in their brains are not fully developed, and there is a lack of impulse control. All of this happens while their relationships with peers become more important. It’s a very vulnerable population to have access to something where there is no stopgap before they post or press the send button. I think that’s something of which to be mindful.”

SUGGESTIONS FOR PROTECTING YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

Below are a few suggestions to maintain mental health while using social media:

Limit your time on social media platforms. Some platforms, such Apple and Google, have settings to help you do this automatically on your phone.
Consider what sites and profiles you visit; if they make you feel bad, unfollow them
Before you post something about yourself or someone else, consider if you would make this comment in an in-person setting
Remember that what you post will be very hard to take back or remove
Remember that what people post, or what you see, may not be honest or real presentations of their experiences or lives
Leave or unfollow a profile/page/site if it is making you feel worse
Report posts that are hurtful or making you worried
Tell an adult you trust – a parent, teacher, school counselor – immediately if a friend is posting content that worries you or suggests that they may be in a serious situation

As someone who uses certain social media platforms professionally, I know they can be very useful resources. I am not someone who uses social media for personal use very often; I have 170 friends on my personal Facebook – not because I’m antisocial, but because I only accept friend requests from people I actually know. This makes it easier to stay outside the boxes constructed when it comes to my usage of social media.

That being said, the dangers of social media to one’s mental health can be disastrous and long-lasting. However, we do live in a world where it’s hard to “unplug” because of the convenience of advanced technology. It’s everywhere. And the risk will always be there, too.

It’s not impossible to live a positive and balanced life on social media. However, it’s through discipline and insight that true personal awareness can be obtained, which is necessary.

Sleep, or the Lack Thereof

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?”
– Ernest Hemingway

Sleep is perhaps one of the most important fundamentals in a person’s life. The Sleep Foundation describes sleep as an “essential function”, one that allows “your body and mind to recharge, leaving you refreshed and alert when you wake up.”

It’s extremely important that most adults get seven to nine hours of sleep a night. A lack of sleep is linked to a higher risk for obesity, type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, early death, and poor mental health.

According to the Mental Health Foundation, there are a variety of reasons you may not be getting the sleep you need, including:

Stress or worry
A change in the noise level or temperature of your bedroom
A different routine
Too much caffeine or alcohol
Shift work
Physical or mental health problems
Side effects of certain medications

There are several types of sleep disorders, but the most prevalent is insomnia. According to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, insomnia is defined as the “difficulty either falling or staying asleep that is accompanied by daytime impairments related to those sleep troubles.” Research from the Mayo Clinic suggests 30% of all adults will experience short-term insomnia and 10% of adults will experience long-term insomnia.

Insomnia symptoms may include:

Difficulty falling asleep at night
Waking up during falling asleep at night’s sleep
Waking up too early
Not feeling well-rested after a night’s sleep
Daytime tiredness or sleepiness
Irritability, depression or anxiety
Difficulty paying attention, focusing on tasks or remembering
Increased errors or accidents
Ongoing worries about sleep

Insomnia is not uncommon. In fact, it’s the most common sleep disorder, and one that can be very dangerous.

That’s never stopped me, though. Of course, I shouldn’t be proud of that, and I’m not. But I do suffer from serious insomnia.

I suffer from chronic insomnia (which recently has come in handy with the birth of my youngest son). Being bipolar doesn’t help the matter any. When manic, I’ve stayed up for days without “needing” to rest. That’s not an everyday occurrence, thankfully, but it’s happened enough for me to be used to it.

To the lucky 75% of those who recover from their insomnia, I applaud you and wonder, “what’s your secret?”

I’ve been on all the meds: Ambien. Sonata. Belsomra. Trazadone. Restoril. Lunesta. I’ve stuck with Lunesta because it works some of the time. It’s hit or miss, which at this point is all I can hope for.

Insomnia is usually caused by bad sleep habits, depression, anxiety, and chronic illness. It can even be caused by certain medications.

According to the Mayo Clinic, there are ways to fight insomnia, including:

Stick to a schedule: Keep your bedtime and wake time consistent from day to day, including on weekends.
Stay active: Regular activity helps promote a good night’s sleep. Schedule exercise at least a few hours before bedtime and avoid stimulating activities before bedtime.
Check your medications: If you take medications regularly, check with your doctor to see if they may be contributing to your insomnia. Also check the labels of OTC products to see if they contain caffeine or other stimulants, such as pseudoephedrine.
Avoid or limit naps: Naps can make it harder to fall asleep at night. If you can’t get by without one, try to limit a nap to no more than 30 minutes and don’t nap after 3 p.m.
Avoid or limit caffeine and alcohol/Don’t use nicotine: All of these can make it harder to sleep, and effects can last for several hours.
Don’t put up with pain: If a painful condition bothers you, talk to your doctor about options for pain relievers that are effective enough to control pain while you’re sleeping.
Avoid large meals and beverages before bed: A light snack is fine and may help avoid heartburn. Drink less liquid before bedtime so that you won’t have to urinate as often.

Suffering from a mental illness can make falling asleep no easy task. It is usually easier said than done for me since other factors play a role. I’ve always had trouble sleeping. I struggle with falling asleep, not staying asleep. If I can get there, I’m there. It’s the getting to sleep that so often eludes me.

No matter, insomnia and other sleep disorders can be extremely damaging, especially to those with a mental health disorder. Mental health disorders tend to make it harder to sleep well, in general.

Disorders Affected by Lack of Sleep:

Depression
Seasonal Affective Disorder
Anxiety Disorders
Bipolar Disorder
Schizophrenia
ADHD
Autism Spectrum Disorder

There is research to suggest that “brain activity during sleep has profound effects on emotional and mental health.” A 2021 study also suggests that issues with insomnia are “associated with significantly increased odds of frequent mental distress.”

Overall, sleep helps maintain cognitive abilities, including learning, memory, and emotional regulation. This is especially important to note to those who suffer from any kind of mental illness or psychiatric condition.

So, I guess that poet was wrong: Sleep isn’t just for dreamers.

So Far, So Good

“You are not your illness. You have an individual story to tell. You have a name, a history, a personality. Staying yourself is part of the battle.”
– Julian Seifter

So far, so good.

Still sticking to a pretty self-care-oriented lifestyle. I haven’t been in the trenches of this new battle too terribly long, so fingers remain crossed.

Routine is key, and after a healthy breakfast, my day kicked off with a walk around the city park – my hometown’s only claim to fame (one of the seven Lincoln-Douglas debates took place there – kind of cool actually). The park is near the town square, but still as far away as ever too, tucked in all snug behind a thick tree line that leads to a forest of a park.

I walked the winding, manmade trails over tree roots and animal tracks. I had forgotten how many laps a mile was so I just decided to forget to keep track of how many laps I walked.

I walked down to the pond where the local ducks were congregating. Many people come out with loaves of bread just to feed the, at more often than not, large group of ducks. On this particular day I had no bread, but then again, the ducks weren’t even on my radar. I was more oblivious to them than I’m sure they had hoped.

I haven’t really actually “exercised” since football and wrestling in high school, and the last time I ran was probably from the cops, so I walked until boredom took over. I was pretty proud of myself for sticking to something, though. I discovered as the day progressed that you have to start with the little things, the kind of things most people take for granted and thus lose sight of down the line.

Again, routine is key, so I came home and did some laundry and cleaned up around the house (I’m still working out a consistent routine and I’m not quite ready to jump back into trying meditation again just yet).

I tried to do some breathing exercises and get a routine for that down. They’re no cure-all, but I’ve discovered they help to a certain extent. And you can only work with what you got.

This new declarative, self-acceptance is just that: new. I don’t like the word “positivity”, though that’s what it is.

This period of self-acceptance is different than any other. It’s not forced or phony. I’m genuinely in the game to get through certain things in my life. There are some things you can’t fix, however. You just have to face the music in that case.

I suffer from bipolar disorder, and it can take away all you have and then some at times. Both the “ups” and “downs” are miserable, but you weather the storm.

My disorder makes it harder for me to function in a rational sense at times. I am not my diagnosis, though, and if there are those who think otherwise, I feel sorry for them as ignorance has the tendency to blind and lead to nowhere good.

The secret, though, is to let go of any loose ends. I’ve recently had to do just that regarding some things going on and am better for it. I can’t control what other people think or assume so all I can do is continue to work on myself. I have a lot to learn, but it’s time to take action and evaluate my motivation and intentions in life.

I’ve had to be more introspective than usual lately (which is scary in and of itself with my brain), but it’s been helpful. The only thing I have control over is myself and I’m learning that, too. Replaying the past has been extremely hard on me. Now, I’m writing the script for the future, and I’m not looking back.

I’ve accepted my illness and realize its control over me. I have also finally accepted that the stigma isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. But that’s okay. I can only live by my actions. I can only focus on my own authenticity and truth. And it’s liberating just to jump on the notion of change. I will always be an advocate for mental health awareness. I’m not going anywhere.

Self-love and self-care are both important and are something I’m working on. I’m proud of myself for once. I feel this new wave of understanding and am taking advantage of it.

I am thankful and have no expectations.

I’m just moving forward.

Self-Care & Mental Health

“What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candor, and more unashamed conversation.”
– Glenn Close

One of the most important things us mentally ill folks can do is practice consistent, and proper self-care. Self-care is an important approach to managing long-term health conditions, especially when it comes to one’s mental and emotional health. Plus, it’s just downright good for you.

But what exactly is self-care? It is something generally described as the process of taking care of oneself, promoting good health and the management of illness.

According to Harbor Light Hospice, self-care promotes a “healthy relationship with yourself to the benefit of your physical, mental, and emotional health”.

Not being able to take care of oneself makes it harder to take care of others. As a husband and a father to three boys, I don’t have the option of not being there for them.

That’s why practicing self-care is such an integral part of self-maintenance and self-preservation. It can improve both one’s overall health and well-being, and can also help manage stress, lower the risk of illness, and increase energy.

Here are some tips from NIMH to help you get started with self-care:

Get regular exercise. Just 30 minutes of walking every day can help boost your mood and improve your health.
Eat healthy, regular meals and stay hydrated. A balanced diet and plenty of water can improve your energy and focus throughout the day. Also, limit caffeinated beverages such as soft drinks or coffee.
Make sleep a priority. Stick to a schedule, and make sure you’re getting enough sleep.
Try a relaxing activity. Explore relaxation or wellness programs or apps, which may incorporate meditation, muscle relaxation, or breathing exercises.
Set goals and priorities. Decide what must get done now and what can wait. Learn to say “no” to new tasks if you start to feel like you’re taking on too much. Try to be mindful.
Practice gratitude. Remind yourself daily of things you are grateful for. Be specific.
Focus on positivity. Identify and challenge your negative and unhelpful thoughts.
Stay connected. Reach out to your friends or family members who can provide emotional support and practical help.

Self-care can even help support one’s treatment and recovery, if true recovery is even possible.

Sometimes, however, even self-care can seem like an impossible task to take on.

It is important to seek out medical help if you are experiencing severe or distressing symptoms, such as:

Difficulty sleeping
Appetite changes that result in unwanted weight changes
Struggling to get out of bed in the morning because of mood
Difficulty concentrating
Loss of interest in things you usually find enjoyable
Inability to perform usual daily functions and responsibilities

More Tips for Practicing Proper Self-Care

Take breaks to unwind through yoga, music, gardening, or new hobbies
Find new ways to safely connect with family and friends, get support, and share feelings
Take care of your body and get moving to lessen fatigue, anxiety, or sadness
Treat yourself to healthy foods and get enough sleep

Self-care has become a more popular, mainstream concept in recent years. According to Google Trends, the number of searches for “self-care” has more than doubled over the last five years.

Marni Amsellem, PhD, a licensed psychologist, describes self-care as “anything that you do for yourself that feels nourishing.”

“It can be something that’s relaxing or calming, or it can be something that is intellectual or spiritual or physical or practical or something you need to get done,” she said.

So, self-care can mean and be something different to everyone.

Self-care can also include things, such as:

Turning off the TV instead of watching another episode because the alarm is going off at 5am so you can get to the gym.
Declining the second drink at the office holiday party.
Saying “no” to the thing you don’t want to do even if someone is going to be angry at you.
Maintaining financial independence.
Doing work that matters.
Letting other people take care of themselves.

Bottom line: You have to take care of yourself. And in more than one way. We weren’t built to last. There are enough negative factors surrounding our illnesses as it is, so self-care is the least we can do to try and maintain some semblance of sanity and balance. There’s still going to be bad days, but we just have to try and push through. It’s all we can do.

Kurt Cobain…28 Years Gone

“Hey hey, my my…Rock and roll can never die”
– Neil Young

It’s April 5, 2022 – the 28^th anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death. Nearly three decades ago, the “spokesman of a generation” took his own life with a shotgun.

I’ll admit, Nirvana (Kurt Cobain, in particular) had the most profound effect on me. They’re not the greatest band of all time, but Nirvana definitely had a distinct influence on me.

It’s a fitting topic today as Cobain suffered from bipolar disorder and ultimately committed suicide (Granted, drugs played a heavy role in his specific situation). Kurt Cobain followed the stereotypical “bipolar bullet point” fate and fell in the 20% of people who suffered and took their own lives.

I ranted enough yesterday on this matter and how absolutely furious I was (and am) that so many people with this disorder end their lives. There is no magic wand we could wave to fix this, so I feel like it’s all of our jobs to try and make a difference.

Honestly, I am not entirely sure why I honor this day, even if it’s only for five minutes. Some may say it’s obsessive or me going overboard, especially with Kurt’s reputation (When I was younger, I was pigeonholed into a similar spot for being such a fan of a depressed “junkie”).

Kurt was 27 when he died, as was Robert Johnson, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Amy Winehouse, and many other musicians, joining what is now known as the “27 Club”. Kurt was definitely a drug addict. I heard an interesting “fact” that an addict spends on average 7 years of his/her life waiting. Waiting for the man. It’s another sad, eye-opening statistic.

I guess there is no real point I’m trying to make with this post (see my post from yesterday if you’re curious about how I really feel); I just wanted to share my observation of today’s significance. At least for me.

In his suicide note Kurt wrote down a line from a Neil Young song.

“It’s better to burn out than fade away.”

And that’s exactly what he did. He burned bright and fast like a shooting star and then, just like that, it was over. But he will never fade away, and the last 35 years have cemented that fact.

He may not have wanted to be the “spokesman of a generation”, but he is most definitely a true icon.

Anyway, I hope everyone has an amazing day and can find the strength they need to get through it. Life is sometimes hard, and for no particular reason. But it’s our job to pull through.

And we always do.

Memories and Nightmares

yellow stethoscope and medicines on pink background

“Swinging by some shoelaces and weathered chains, my atoms rearranged, rearranged.”
– Tummyache, Median

Memories. I know this is something I have touched on several times in my 60+ posts over the last three months, but I can’t get away from it or all of the memories surrounding it.

This month marks the 20^th anniversary of the suicide of a close friend. He hung himself in a tree in his backyard when I was in the 6^th grade. We just so happened to be neighbors, so I was there and saw the whole thing.

I know the suicide of a loved one can affect people differently – many go through different phases or stages of grief, anger, understanding, acceptance. Not me. I never cried and I was never mad or angry, just in total shock. Disbelief. Numb isn’t the right word, either, but it felt like a punch to the gut I would never recover from. The memories of it all still and will forever haunt me.

Untreated mental illness is dangerous, and my friend Mark was a prime example of that. The statistics are alarming, but there are those who feel the statistics are meant to alarm. But I can’t seem to shake it. Without sounding “oh, woe is me”, it just shouldn’t be the case.

I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 15, again at 17, and then at 24, which is when I decided to seek out treatment. If I hadn’t I more than likely would’ve been just another statistic.

And instead of me regurgitating a bunch of facts, I’m just going to go straight to the horse’s mouth instead of spouting out memories of facts:

How common is bipolar disorder?

Globally, 46 million people around the world have bipolar disorder. (Our World in Data, 2018)
One survey of 11 countries found the lifetime prevalence of bipolar disorder was 2.4%. The U.S. had a 1% prevalence of bipolar type I, which was notably higher than many other countries in this survey. (Therapeutic Advances in Psychopharmacology, 2018)
Annually, an estimated 2.8% of U.S. adults have a bipolar disorder diagnosis (Harvard Medical School, 2007).
Of all mood disorders, those with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder were found to have the highest likelihood of being classified with “severe” impairment (82.9%). (Archives of General Psychiatry, 2005)
The past-year prevalence of bipolar disorder is similar in females and males (2.8% and 2.9%, respectively). (National Institute of Mental Health, 2017)

Bipolar disorder statistics by age

The average age of onset is 25 years old. (National Alliance on Mental Illness, 2017)
People ages 18 to 29 years old had the highest rates of bipolar disorder (4.7%) followed by 30- to 44-year-olds (3.5%) as of 2001-2003. (Harvard Medical School, 2007)
People 60 and older had the lowest rates of bipolar disorder (0.7%) as of 2001-2003. (Harvard Medical School, 2007)
Only 2.9% of adolescents had bipolar disorder as of 2001-2004, the majority of which had severe impairment. (Archives of General Psychiatry, 2005)

Bipolar disorder and overall health

On average, bipolar disorder results in 9.2 years reduction in expected life span (National Institute of Mental Health, 2017).
The risk of suicide is high in people with bipolar disorder with 15% to 17% committing suicide. (Treatment Advocacy Center)
Up to 60% of people with any mental health disorder, including bipolar disorder, develop substance use disorders. (WebMD, 2006)
Of those with bipolar disorder, many report co-occurring health conditions, which are most commonly migraine, asthma, and high cholesterol. High blood pressure, thyroid disease, and osteoarthritis were also identified as high probability co-occurring health problems. (The British Journal of Psychiatry, 2014)

This particular stat suggests that up to 20% of bipolar subjects end their life by suicide, and 20–60% of them attempt suicide at least once in their lifetime.

That sentence should scare the shit out of you. It should be cause for alarm. And it should be a wake-up call for those who judge or are ignorant to this illness.

Less than 3% of the United States population suffers from this disorder. We are by far outnumbered (not that I would wish this affliction on anyone) and it’s sad. Mental illness and mental health awareness in general has improved in this country to an extent, but nowhere near enough to make much of a difference.

I find it interesting that because I am bipolar, I have a decreased life expectancy of 9-17 years. Because of the possibility I may kill myself? Because of the dangers of mania? Why exactly?

Cognitively, I am slowly declining. That’s why reading and writing are so important to me. I want my mind and my memories. I always want to remember. I never want to forget

Self-care is super important, and fortunately I still manage in that department. I could exercise more and eat healthier. But other than that, and staying on a good medication regimen, what else can I do to maintain? And when that only helps to a certain point, what do I do then?

I manage, I guess. I may not do it well, but I never back down. But how long can that pretentious mentality last? Do you think the 20% of people with bipolar disorder who committed suicide were always suicidal? What about the 60% that attempt it?

This isn’t a cry for help, but a call to arms. March 30 was World Bipolar Day and I’m not sure how constructive that was, but it didn’t affect me one bit. No one called me or asked for my opinion. I didn’t receive any notice or information. I think it was just a day for fellow-bipolars to get together and be happy and spread “awareness” – amongst themselves, that is.

But I’m not happy because no one is truly aware. Not to the point that it makes much difference.

But when more than 50% of a certain population will attempt suicide and people are still hiding from that reality, continuing to stand behind the stigma that is so hazardous to those with a mental illness, bipolar disorder in particular.

Hopelessness. That’s the one emotion someone with any mental illness needs to avoid. In my opinion, many reach that hopeless state because of the stigma and lack of help available.

I am not suicidal and am in no way judging anyone who is. I’m just here to let you know that someone is on your side. I’m here and I’m pissed. This isn’t my battle to fight alone, but I’m tired of feeling alone so it’s time to stand up for change. If no one else will, we must do it on our own. If we do not take this disorder and all of its idiosyncrasies seriously (and not just us bipolars), we are looking down a dark, downward spiral of chaos.

I may be biased because I saw my friend with an untreated mental illness hang himself 20 years ago this month. I may be biased because I am bipolar, and I know the ins and outs.

It’s time for a change, though.

I’m tired of statistics, and I refuse to be one.

Books That Have Shaped Me

“Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counsellors, and the most patient of teachers.”

– Charles W. Eliot

Well, after the week I’ve had I thought I might do something a little more light-hearted. I’ve already discussed the power of music and the artists and albums that shaped a great part of who I am. So, I thought I might talk about some of the books that have also molded me into the person I am today.

I’m pretty eclectic, enjoying Steinbeck as much as Stephen King. I could go on and on about authors and pick them apart, so I’m going to stick with specific books (I’m still trying to conquer Infinite Jest, so…yeah).

The first book that had a profound effect on me was Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky in the 7^th grade. I was, in a way, shunned by the school librarian, almost looked down upon as if I were some sort of creep or sicko (the school only went up to the 8^th grade so who could check out that book without facing some sort of scrutiny?). It’s a great book and laid out and told in a unique fashion, of course, but I’m pretty sure it was the being looked at as “weird” or, most likely, feeling out of my depth that affected me the most.

Then I discovered Stephen King, and after reading Pet Sematary I knew Dean Koontz was nothing but a footnote in the world of modern fiction, an author that my father for some reason professed as being one of the best. I respectfully disagree.

When I was 13, Pet Sematary was the first book I bought with my first mowing money (that and Dreamcatcher which was not one of my better decisions). Even as a young kid I was a horror fanatic, but Pet Sematary really scared me. The movie, as well. It’s a hard story not be affected by.

I was then on a Stephen King kick and got lucky in that the next two of his books I read was The Stand and It, both of which are amazing stories as King knows how to develop a slew of memorable characters in a way that their personal development is more entertaining than the plot. My King kick continued, and although there are many duds, I own every single one of them.

When one speaks of Kerouac, On the Road is the first three words you will always hear. And although it is a great book and a perfect introduction to the work that was to come, it was Big Sur, Desolation Angels, and The Dharma Bums (“When you get to the top, just keep climbing!”) that cemented my belief as a writer that “first thought-best thought” was the way to go…that is until I re-read some of my writing and soon realized I was no Kerouac.

Howl by Allen Ginsberg, actually a long-form poem, opened up my eyes just as much as any book. The first time I read the poem, I became instantly aware of a new style of writing that changed the landscape of 20^th century poetry and beyond. The raw, yet technical beauty of the words is jaw-dropping. I decided immediately that Frost nor Dickinson had nothing on this guy.

The Razor’s Edge by Somerset Maugham will always be on the list (it was the first book I read “under the influence”). I just love the story, even when I’m sober. I highly recommend it.

I, of course, grew up with the Harry Potter series so sue me, they’re great books, Plus, they got millions of kids who would otherwise not even touch a book excited about reading. And who can deny that power? But it didn’t take long for Tolkien to make his entrance into my life, easily knocking Rowling down a few rungs. It’s a toss-up at times; ask me today and I’ll say Tolkien, ask me tomorrow and who knows what I might say.

But back to Infinite Jest…my first question: is David Foster Wallace crazy? Such a mammoth of a novel, and with 300 pages of footnotes to boot! To answer the question, though, no, he’s not crazy. His brain just worked in amazing ways. If you’re interested in checking out Wallace’s work, I would recommend starting out with A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again or Consider the Lobster. One day I will finish Infinte Jest, and then I just may retire from reading altogether. Go out with a bang (kidding, kidding)! Ol’ Stephen King said that if you do not have the time to read you will never have the tools to be able to write. Pretty astute, yet common sense, if you think about it.

I could go on, and I know I’m missing many books that I could include, some even in my “Top 10”. But I don’t review books for a living, nor are any of these recommendations. These are books (and different styles of writing) that have shaped me and have a place in my heart, almost like little literary milestones. These aren’t just favorites, they’re the books that triggered growth in me as a person and a writer (no, I’ll never attempt to sit down and rewrite On the Road, but the impact it had on my life is there).

Books, just like music or whatever else it may be, are an escape for me, as they are for many. They are eye-opening in the sense that it’s clear that creativity and dedication really do pay off. You may not write the next Infinite Jest, but dedication and a little magic can go a long way.

MY TOP 5 LIFE CHANGING BOOKS (in no particular order)

East of Eden – Steinbeck
It – King
Big Sur – Kerouac
Madness (memoir) – Hornbacher
Brave New World – Huxley

What are some of the books that have shaped who you are and how you approach your writing?

Another Pause: The Little Things

white ceramic teacup with saucer near two books above gray floral textile

“Resting and relaxing is as important as going out there and making it happen.”
– Hiral Nagda

So, we decided to stay another night just to have a full evening of recovery and relaxation (reading for me) before we make the seven-hour plus drive home. We’ve had a full day of family fun and it seemed like a no-brainer to take a night to unwind before we headed home; no need in going home so worn out that the trip becomes something we want to forget. Also, we all seemed to be excited at the idea of just getting to sit around and read or write or color.

Tomorrow, we return to reality (my wife has to work, and we both have two other children to return to). Not some futuristic definition of reality, just back to our everyday routine. There is nothing wrong with that; reality is, I assume, preferable to the alternative.

This post isn’t going to be too long, so I won’t take much, if any, of your time (assuming you’re even reading this). We’ve all enjoyed this little trip but are also excited about a night of nothing. Even though we’re doing things we can do just as easily at home doesn’t mean we always get to. Life can always get in the way of you being able to finish the last chapter of that book you’ve been reading for two months.

So, I guess my point (other than providing another unnecessary update) is to appreciate the simple things. Real original, right? But seriously, no vacation in the world can make up for the little things that are always right in front of us.