Tag Archives: lonliness

They Didn’t Break The Mold With Me

“The biggest gift of being unambiguously mentally ill is the time I’ve saved myself trying to be normal.”

– Mark Vonnegut

In our modern day and age it can be easy to get wrapped up in oneself under even the most “typical” or “normal” circumstances. But when graced with a mental illness, any mental illness, those of us afflicted can sometimes really get lost in our own slanted egos.

I know I’m just as guilty as the next person in this department. It’s not a conscious decision, though. Honestly, it’s like being the last person to know something about yourself when you should really be the first.

I’ve been trying to stay as reflective as possible lately, hoping against hope I remember my own lessons in self-introspection the next time some unpredictable phase begins to take the wheel. Never the case, but I can only do what I can do.

Many people who know me consider me a “pessimist”, and I no longer argue or adopt the “realist” angle; I find it’s too time consuming and usually scoffed at. I, more or less, consider myself to be a true cynic. And when I say “cynic” I mean it in a strictly philosophical sense.

“Cynic” may not even be strong enough of a word. The approach and viewpoints I have towards all things is more nihilistic in nature. I suppose the ideas could be considered interchangeable to some degree, but I’m not trying to mince words or argue behind semantics.

I guess my point is no matter what, my mental illness always defines me to some extent. Just not always in the same way. I’m either the elite outcast to a fault, or I stay crouched in the shadows, hoping no one will even know I’m there.

I’ll always be different because I technically am in a certain way. But so is everyone. Sometimes we just have to accept that in order to let go of what can at times be an overwhelming sense of delusional entitlement.

I don’t want to keep playing in extremes if it means I lose sight of reality. But my reality exists in extremes. There is no denying that. All I can do is try to be aware of what I can be and use that awareness to my advantage. And in the times that I lack a personal self-awareness I have to just manage. There is no cure or recovery from what ails me, only management. That’s depressing enough as it is, but I’m not the first nor will I be the last person to know that sense of lonely desperation.

One thing is for sure, though. I’m no better than anyone, even on my best/worst of days. Though perhaps unique in my own personal way, they most definitely did not break the mold with me.

a day in the life: mind over mania

“You know how most illnesses have symptoms you can recognize? Well, with manic depression, it’s sexual promiscuity, excessive spending, and substance abuse—and that just sounds like a fantastic weekend in Vegas to me!”

– Carrie Fisher

It seems the older I get the less I enjoy the mania. At one point in my life, though, I would have clung to it up until it completely fizzled out, but not anymore. The mania…well, whatever being or entity is in control of things can just keep it.

“Mind over mania.” It’s almost an oxymoron of a mantra as there is no such thing. At least not for me. When in the full throes of a severe manic episode I have control over none of my mental or cognitive faculties. When manic, I exist only on an island of delusions.

It is nice to be able to look back and reflect on a period of mania and have a true perspective on things. That’s not always the case, and the lines between awareness and disregard can become pretty blurred at times.

When I usually try and look back on how a manic phase has affected me and/or those around me, I always end back up to the “bullet points”. I love the “bullet points” just about as much as I love the lists of “coping skills”. I know. I sound pretty cynical and bitter, but I’m not meaning to. The clarity genuinely makes some past chaos all the more meaningful.

Looking back on a period of mania without the type of clarity I’m trying to describe is like trying to look through a dirty window into another: you can get the gist of what’s going on, but as a whole it’s never really quite clear.

So, today I hope to remain productively reflective for as long as I possibly can. If “first thought” really is “best thought” then I’m going to go ahead and stop now.

Writing, or Something Like It

“For me, the first sign of oncoming madness is that I’m unable to write.”

– Marya Hornbacher, Madness: A Bipolar Life

It’s funny how certain traits and talents go when in the throes of either a manic or depressive period. And it’s funny how others become amplified.

Well, as someone in between cycles and bracing for a bout of full-on depression, it really isn’t that funny. Just an interesting observation.

For me, as both a journalist and someone who is just passionate about writing, it is one of the first of my abilities to go when I’m cycling.

I have what is known as rapid cycling bipolar disorder. So, although I know when I’m “high” or “low”, I have very little down time in between cycles. And sometimes both the mania and depression even coexist.

Everyone of us is different, but I totally lose all faculties that stem from the root of my creativity.

No, I’m no James Patterson or anything, churning out material like it was ticker tape. But I like what I have so I’d like to keep it. It’s impossible, however, for me to even rhyme-scheme when manic or depressed.

I know for others with bipolar disorder it’s the complete opposite. Mania can be like throwing fuel on a fire for some. It used to be like that for me; I’d use the mania to my advantage for every little possible thing. Those days are long past, though. These days when I try to create during a manic phase the results are (no pun intended) depressing.

I don’t even try to create when I’m in a depressive state. When I was younger and tried to write when depressed, all that would pour out of me was pretentious poetry that, to this day, I still cannot revisit.

So, although this post is nothing extensive or special, it displays some degree of clarity so I must be operating at a somewhat “normal” level.

If anything changes, you guys will be the first to know.