Tag Archives: lonliness

Smells Like Mental Health Awareness Month

“The experience I have had is that once you start talking about experiencing a mental health struggle, you realize that actually you’re part of a quite a big club.”

– Prince Harry

The guitar Kurt Cobain played/used in the video for “Smells Like Teen Spirit” just sold at auction for $4,500,000.00, about $4,000,000.00 more than expected, by Colts owner Jim Isray. That places it as the fourth most expensive piece of “known” music memorabilia ever (Kurt also takes the top spot for his guitar from the MTV Unplugged show, which sold for more than $8,000,000.00 at auction).

When I heard about this auction a month or so ago, I was kind of like “yeah, yeah, yeah, someone needs money”. The guitar had been on display somewhere for quite a while before the announcement, so I thought hey, let’s let it be.

It was expected to sell between $400,00.00 and $600,00.00. It far exceeded that goal, I’d say.

But I just recently found out that the guitar was auctioned in honor of May being Mental Health Awareness Month. Not only that, but a huge portion of the money also goes to an organization ran by the Colts and the Isray family called Kicking The Stigma, which gives away grants to Indiana-based mental health programs.

Isray even spoke on the guitar’s important place.

“This guitar is big, and it relates so much to stigma,” he said. “When you have mental illness, people die. These are fatal diseases — bipolar, schizophrenia, post-partem depression, alcoholic addictions. With fatal diseases, people die, and they don’t choose to die. … Those of us who are alive, we’re not stronger or better. We didn’t get our act together more. We didn’t have more character. That’s where it’s so false.”

Whatever his motives may be, I don’t care. I appreciate the gesture, even if that’s all it is.

I don’t think Kurt Cobain would have been too ecstatic about two of his guitars selling for more than $12,000,000.00. I could understand how that would seem unreasonable or outright insane to a person. But I do think he would definitely approve of some of that exorbitant amount of money spent going to an organization called Kicking the Stigma, an organization with the goal of raising awareness about mental illness.

Happy MHAM!

A Brief Thought on Dying

“It matters not how a man dies, but how he lives. The act of dying is not of importance, it lasts so short a time.”

– Samuel Johnson

Someone close to me recently brought forth the question of whether or not I was curious about what people will say or think about me after I die. I couldn’t help but laugh a little and try and be anecdotal, but nothing that came to mind sounded right.

When they asked me again if I had ever pondered on the issue, I had to be honest and say “no”. I’m of the inclination that this is it. It’s all black after these lights go out…so I’m still trying to plan how I’m going to sneak in a little bit when I get to the “other side”.

I guess in a way I’m so preoccupied with “what’s next” rather than who is saying what about me after I’m gone. I’m a nihilist through and through, but I still don’t have a good enough grasp on the afterlife to be comfortable going now.

Now, I’ve always known what I’ve wanted on my tombstone if that counts: “The future’s uncertain and the end is always near.” A line from “Roadhouse Blues” by The Doors. If you take away the Morrison myth it’s not a bad quote, one of ultimate summation, I think.

What do you want to be remembered for after you’ve left this earthly plane? What do you want your friends and family to say about you? Do you even care? What’s next after we die?

I’m interested to know your feelings on the topic.

My Personal Top 10 Tips for Those Who Are Mentally Ill

“To be ill adjusted to a deranged world is not a breakdown.”

– Jeanette Winterson

There are always goin

  • Accept it: It’s all you can do. It’s a process, but it’s necessary.
  • Acknowledge that you are not your illness: This is most important.
  • Don’t be afraid of the med game: Hey, if it helps…
  • Avoid “You might be…” or “Things to avoid…” lists or articles: We’re all different
  • Stay active/healthy diet: Staying healthy is key to having any control over your overall psychological well-being.
  • Practice self-care: This, especially along with a healthy diet, can help one have a basic level of control.
  • Develop a routine: This can be difficult as real life can get in the way, but can be a game-changer.
  • Stay in contact: With friends, with family, with everyone.
  • Pause for the cause: It’s okay to be selfish sometimes.
  • Google doesn’t have a medical degree: Education is key when it comes to your mental illness but search with caution and insight.

Below are additional tips to boost your mental health:

  • Track gratitude and achievement with a journal. Include 3 things you were grateful for and 3 things you were able to accomplish each day.
  • Start your day with a cup of co­ffee. Coff­ee consumption is linked to lower rates of depression. If you can’t drink coff­ee because of the caff­eine, try another good-for-you drink like green tea. 
  • Set up a getaway. It could be camping with friends or a trip to the tropics. The act of planning a vacation and having something to look forward to can boost your overall happiness for up to 8 weeks!
  • 4, Work your strengths. Do something you’re good at to build self-confidence, then tackle a tougher task. 
  • Keep it cool for a good night’s sleep. The optimal temperature for sleep is between 60 and 67 degrees Fahrenheit.
  • “You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” – Martin Luther King, Jr. Think of something in your life you want to improve, and figure out what you can do to take a step in the right direction.
  • Experiment with a new recipe, write a poem, paint or try a Pinterest project. Creative expression and overall well-being are linked.
  • Show some love to someone in your life. Close, quality, relationships are key for a happy, healthy life.
  • Boost brainpower by treating yourself to a couple pieces of dark chocolate every few days. The flavanoids, caffeine, and theobromine in chocolate are thought to work together to improve alertness and mental skills.
  • “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.”  -Maya Angelou. If you have personal experience with mental illness or recovery, share on Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr with #mentalillnessfeelslike. Check out what other people are saying here.
  • Sometimes, we don’t need to add new activities to get more pleasure. We just need to soak up the joy in the ones we’ve already got. Trying to be optimistic doesn’t mean ignoring the uglier sides of life. It just means focusing on the positive as much as possible.
  • Feeling anxious?  Take a trip down memory lane and do some coloring for about 20 minutes to help you clear your mind. Pick a design that’s geometric and a little complicated for the best effect. Check out hundreds of free printable coloring pages here.
  • Take time to laugh. Hang out with a funny friend, watch a comedy or check out cute videos online. Laughter helps reduce anxiety.
  • Go off the grid. Leave your smart phone at home for a day and disconnect from constant emails, alerts, and other interruptions. Spend time doing something fun with someone face-to-face.
  • Dance around while you do your housework. Not only will you get chores done, but dancing reduces levels of cortisol (the stress hormone), and increases endorphins (the body’s “feel-good” chemicals).
  • Go ahead and yawn. Studies suggest that yawning helps cool the brain and improves alertness and mental efficiency.
  • Relax in a warm bath once a week. Try adding Epsom salts to soothe aches and pains and help boost magnesium levels, which can be depleted by stress.
  • Has something been bothering you? Let it all out…on paper. Writing about upsetting experiences can reduce symptoms of depression.
  • Spend some time with a furry friend. Time with animals lowers the stress hormone – cortisol, and boosts oxytocin – which stimulates feelings of happiness. If you don’t have a pet, hang out with a friend who does or volunteer at a shelter.
  • “What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us. And when you bring what is within out into the world, miracles happen.” – Henry David Thoreau. Practice mindfulness by staying “in the present.”  Try these tips. 
  • Be a tourist in your own town. Often times people only explore attractions on trips, but you may be surprised what cool things are in your own backyard.
  • Try prepping your lunches or picking out your clothes for the work week. You’ll save some time in the mornings and have a sense of control about the week ahead.
  • Work some omega-3 fatty acids into your diet–they are linked to decreased rates of depression and schizophrenia among their many benefits. Fish oil supplements work, but eating your omega-3s in foods like wild salmon, flaxseeds or walnuts also helps build healthy gut bacteria.
  • Practice forgiveness – even if it’s just forgiving that person who cut you off during your commute. People who forgive have better mental health and report being more satisfied with their lives.
  • “What appear to be calamities are often the sources of fortune.” – Disraeli. Try to find the silver lining in something kind of cruddy that happened recently.
  • Feeling stressed? Smile. It may not be the easiest thing to do, but smiling can help to lower your heart rate and calm you down.
  • Send a thank you note – not for a material item, but to let someone know why you appreciate them. Written expressions of gratitude are linked to increased happiness.
  • Do something with friends and family – have a cookout, go to a park, or play a game. People are 12 times more likely to feel happy on days that they spend 6-7 hours with friends and family.
  • Take 30 minutes to go for a walk in nature – it could be a stroll through a park, or a hike in the woods. Research shows that being in nature can increase energy levels, reduce depression and boost well-being.
  • Do your best to enjoy 15 minutes of sunshine, and apply sunscreen. Sunlight synthesizes Vitamin D, which experts believe is a mood elevator.
  • “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” -Albert Einstein. Try something outside of your comfort zone to make room for adventure and excitement in your life.

There are many different skills or coping mechanisms that you can do or use in times of mental duress. It all just depends on the situation and what is needed at the time to diffuse the mental health crisis or concern. We all have it in us and although bullet points suck, there is a truth there that can only be helpful.

I hope my list, along with the list provided by the MHA, is helpful to someone in some way.

All These Medications

“It’s difficult. I take a low dose of lithium nightly. I take an antidepressant for my fatness because prayer isn’t enough. My therapist hears confession twice a month, my shrink delivers the host, and I can stand in the woods and see the world spark.”

– David Lovelace, Scattershot: My Bipolar Family

If you haven’t read Madness by Marya Hornbacher, I highly recommend that you do so. Especially if you suffer from bipolar disorder. She’s not Stephen King, but the book is as equally terrifying as anything he has written.

As someone who does suffer from the illness, I look at the book, which is a devastatingly honest memoir, as a shield. It’s far from comforting, but it is a book that captures Hornbacher’s long and torturous journey.

There is a section at the end of the book about different facts about the disorder. Many I knew. Others could be terrifying footnotes to an already terrifying book. Hornbacher even lists her medication regimen in the section. I noticed we shared a few medications and it got me thinking.

About all these medications.

Over the course of seven years, I have been on countless medications, which I am currently paying for. I have always been consistent in taking my pills. I have never gone off my meds. I have never had any reason to. But I’m beginning to wonder if the damage done by years of taking numerous medications is just as bad as not have taken them at all.

I know, I know. That’s dramatic, but still. Pills that were supposed to help my brain function are now having if not an opposite effect, a disappointing and new one. I’m not experiencing the basic “blah” one might feel on antidepressants. I’m experiencing total loss. Of conversation. Of thought. My doctor is even wanting to wean me off some of my necessary meds because of some of the issues I am having. It’s just not possible.

There are so many different medications for bipolar disorder. It’s insane. I know everyone is different, but why not try and fix a medication that “doesn’t work” or has “flaws” instead of creating a new one with new problems?

Big Pharma, baby.

There is no cure or direct known cause of bipolar disorder so it’s impossible to create a universal drug to treat the illness. However, there must be a more stable medication or clinical treatment.

And they say that’s Lithium. The problem? The same: the doctors throw a handful of other pills on top that.

Multiple medications are necessary in the treatment of bipolar disorder, but not all the ones that are typically prescribed.

On average, it takes someone with bipolar disorder 10 years to receive the proper diagnosis. That’s a lot of different pills, my friend.

If it it’s a 10-year journey, I’m three years out and am still keeping my fingers crossed.

Mental Health, the Military, and My Father

“Like father, like son.”

– Unknown

This is going to be more than a post of fun facts and bullet points. For me, anyway. Like millions of others with family members in the military, this has, is, and will always hit home in its own way.

My father was in the United States Army for 31 years before retiring in his early 50s a few years ago. He was that type. He could have quit after four years under the rules and laws I know. But he dedicated another 27 years of service out of the “somebody’s gotta do it” ideology. Or so I hope. The alternative would be far more sinister.

From my high school career on, he was mostly gone overseas somewhere. He could never say where. It turns out, however, a lot these deployments were voluntary. But from the age of 13 to 32, the man I now see before me has changed dramatically. He’s changed into a man that a broken system doesn’t want me to know has broken him. He’s there, yes, but there’s something missing, too.

The war (which one?) has taken its toll, yes, but have we not dropped the ball on making sure veterans receive the frontline psychiatric help they deserve after being on the front lines?

These are all questions that have been on the table for some time now. Nothing new, but far from right.

My father is an alcoholic, which makes me ever more thankful I do not drink because he’s that type of alcoholic. With all the candor and then some. But my dad wasn’t always like that. No, he was the reasonable one in our family. For a while.

Like I’ve mentioned, it comes with the territory. I know this. But the interruption or delay, if you will, my father has undergone is scary and, to an extent, was avoidable.

Who’s to blame, though? Those feeding the egos, or the ones needing their ego fed? It’s all relative, I guess. These all were questions asked before mental health became a part of the paradigm.

Nearly 25% of active-duty members showed signs of a mental health condition, according to the 2014 study by JAMA Psychiatry.

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, there are three primary mental health concerns that you may encounter serving in the military.

Postraumtic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Traumatic events, such as military combat, assault, disasters or sexual assault can have long-lasting negative effects such as trouble sleeping, anger, nightmares, being jumpy and alcohol and drug abuse. When these troubles don’t go away, it could be PTSD. The 2014 JAMA Psychiatry study found the rate of PTSD to be 15 times higher than civilians.

Depression. More than just experiencing sadness, depression doesn’t mean you are weak, nor is it something that you can simply “just get over.” Depression interferes with daily life and normal functioning and may require treatment. The 2014 JAMA Psychiatry study found the rate of depression to be five times higher than civilians.

Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). A traumatic brain injury is usually the result of significant blow to the head or body. Symptoms can include headaches, fatigue or drowsiness, memory problems and mood

Adjustment disorder is another common disorder members of the military transitioning back to civilian life experience. This is where PTSD and depression play a high role.

Soldiers exiting the military are also made to feel weak by needing or accepting help for a psychiatric concern that could’ve been prevented or at least prevented from getting worse.

This is another issue my father personally faces. This, along with the less-than-great medical services provided by the VA, is another reason my father, who desperately needs medical care, will not seek it. One, it is for the weak. And two, he still doesn’t have full access to the care he needs.

Below I have included 11 facts about soldiers and mental/psychological health:

  1. Depression and post-traumatic stress disorder are the most common mental health problems faced by returning troops.

The most common symptoms of PTSD include difficulty concentrating, lack of interest/apathy, feelings of detachment, loss of appetite, hypervigilance, exaggerated startle response, and sleep disturbances (lack of sleep, oversleeping.

Post-traumatic stress disorder is diagnosed after several weeks of continued symptoms.

About 11% to 20% of veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars (Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom) have been diagnosed with PTSD.

30% of soldiers develop mental problems within 3 to 4 months of being home.

55% of women and 38% of men report being victim to sexual harassment while serving in the military.

Because there are more men than women in the military, more than half of all veterans experiencing military sexual trauma are men.

An estimated 20% of returning Iraq and Afghanistan veterans turn to heavy drinking or drugs once they return to the US.

Between 10 and 20% of Iraq and Afghanistan veterans have suffered a traumatic brain injury (TBI). Possible consequences of this internal injury include anger, suicidal thoughts, and changes in personality.

In 2010, an average of 22 veterans committed suicide every day. The group with the highest number of suicides was men ages 50 to 59.

Some groups of people, including African Americans and Hispanics, may be more likely than whites to develop PTSD.

I said this wouldn’t be a post of stats and bullet points, but they’re necessary. I can only speak of my father so much without violating his personal liberties, although he knows nothing about this blog and probably wouldn’t approve of it, anyway.

War will change any person, no doubt, but it doesn’t mean we leave our soldiers on their own, especially after the services they do provide for our country. The transition back to “normal” life after being in combat can be tremendously difficult. It’s important for people to understand that for a soldier the personal warfare, the inner battlefront, never ends. It will always be there. We must be diligent in the care and understanding of our soldiers when it comes to mental health.

Despite the expression and the idea behind it, I think very little is fair when it comes to love or war.

So, You Think You Have a Mental Illness

“We must bring the issue of mental illness out into the sunlight, out of the shadow, out of the closet, deal with it, treat people, have centers where people can get the necessary help.”

– John Lewis

With 1 in 5 U.S. adults suffering from some form of mental illness, it’s not a huge leap for one to think they may be suffering from one, as well. Depression and anxiety are extremely prevalent. Sharing similar hallmarks to certain other illnesses can drive many to assume they may be suffering from some sort of mental health issue.

According to Mental Health America, “mental illnesses are brain-based conditions that affect thinking, emotions, and behaviors.” Research suggests that 21% of adults in the U.S. experience some form of mental illness. 1 in 25 U.S. adults live with serious mental illness, and 1 in 6 U.S. youth aged 6 to 17 experience a mental health illness

There are things TO DO and things NOT TO DO when it comes to being curious about your own mental health. One of the big ones for me is to educate without overloading myself. Dr. Google may be right, but I believe it’s only smart to begin the deep education part after a proper diagnosis has been made by a mental health professional.

One major thing someone can do for someone is to just listen. You don’t have to pretend to understand, just listen. It may not help either side of the conversation, but it can act as a distraction.

One thing to avoid is any articles with names like “Signs You May Be…” or any other similar catechism. These are often misguided pieces of information and are used to create worry and fear rather than to be informative. After all, that headache you just Googled might just be cancer.

However, there are symptoms to keep an eye out for.

In Adults, Young Adults and Adolescents:

  • Confused thinking
  • Prolonged depression (sadness or irritability)
  • Feelings of extreme highs and lows
  • Excessive fears, worries and anxieties
  • Social withdrawal
  • Dramatic changes in eating or sleeping habits
  • Strong feelings of anger
  • Strange thoughts (delusions)
  • Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there (hallucinations)
  • Growing inability to cope with daily problems and activities
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Numerous unexplained physical ailments
  • Substance use

In Older Children And Pre-Adolescents:

  • Substance use
  • Inability to cope with problems and daily activities
  • Changes in sleeping and/or eating habits
  • Excessive complaints of physical ailments
  • Changes in ability to manage responsibilities – at home and/or at school
  • Defiance of authority, truancy, theft, and/or vandalism
  • Intense fear
  • Prolonged negative mood, often accompanied by poor appetite or thoughts of death
  • Frequent outbursts of anger
  • In Younger Children:
  • Changes in school performance
  • Poor grades despite strong efforts
  • Changes in sleeping and/or eating habits
  • Excessive worry or anxiety (i.e. refusing to go to bed or school)
  • Hyperactivity
  • Persistent nightmares
  • Persistent disobedience or aggression
  • Frequent temper tantrums

Before letting a list like this define you it’s important to seek out professional help. These are only places to start.

If it turns out after receiving proper medical care that you may have a mental illness there are things to do, as well.

  • Accept your feelings
  • Establish a support network
  • Seek counseling
  • Take time for yourself
  • Handling unusual behavior
  • Talk to a doctor about medication
  • Therapy

No, not all of these are going to work for everybody (I still struggle myself), but they’re a place to start. You must accept the issue before you can move forward. Only do so cautiously, though. The opinion of a mental health professional is needed before anything else.

Mental Health in Small Town, USA

“There is no standard normal. Normal is subjective. There are seven billion versions of normal on this planet.”

– Matt Haig

Just some brief thoughts:

I live in a small town. Like a really small town. It’s a very conservative, small town in a very conservative part of Illinois, which is most of the state (thank God for Chicago or we would be all Red). There aren’t a lot of resources in my area for people with any type of mental health or psychiatric problems. That seems to be the case for many rural areas across the U.S.

This isn’t news. A 2020 study found that “rural residents in the USA experience significant disparities in mental health outcomes even though the prevalence of mental illness in rural and metropolitan areas is similar.”

These issues may stem from a lack of funding or a lack of understanding of these types of problems. I haven’t even heard of any recognition that May is Mental Health Awareness Month on any type in any local media in my area – not that that is surprising. I have found most people have no idea this is Mental Health Awareness Month.

That’s part of the problem. No, not recognizing May as “ours”, but by not recognizing the issue at all. I had an appointment with my psych doctor yesterday, who practices more than an hour away now. Thank God (or whoever) for Telehealth or that monthly drive would be a killer.

A study by researchers at Wake Forest School of Medicine determined one of the main causes behind the lack of resources for mental health treatment in rural areas is the surrounding shame and stigma. The belief that “I should not need help.”

“We as a society have a hard time asking for help, so it’s hard enough to ask for help [without feeling] that everybody’s going to know it,” Dennis Mohatt, vice president of the behavioral mental health program at the Western Interstate Commission for Higher Education, said. “Your neighbors don’t have a clue in a city if you’re going to go get some help. But everybody [in a small town] will know if your pickup truck is parked outside of the mental health provider’s office.”

He’s right. Fortunately, I do not fall into that category. I’m not out picketing for change or acknowledgment, but I’m far from ashamed.

Other research suggests even suicide rates are affected by the regionality of mental health services.

“There is a higher suicide mortality rate among residents of rural and nonmetropolitan areas than those living in metropolitan areas,” Ty Borders, Ph.D., said. “The discrepancy has existed for decades, and the gap has widened in recent years,”

So, why is this? I’m sure there is more than one answer, but where I live it has a lot to do with what I hope is a lack of understanding (I have to believe that, at least). Funding, too, if that can be looped into it on some real substantive basis. However, I believe it stems from a lack of understanding.

It’s also because of a weakness that gets pinned on those who suffer from any type of mental health problem or crisis. There is very much a “Suck it up and get over it!” mentality among many throughout my community. The idea that mental illness didn’t exist fifty years ago is a very prevalent one.

Poverty plays a role in this dilemma, too. How can someone expect to pay for mental health services when they can’t afford their 10-year-old’s school physical? Especially if those types of appointments are an hour away and are only open certain hours or days of the week.

According to the Rural Health Information Hub, “18.7% of individuals in nonmetropolitan areas have a mental health condition, which is about 6.5 million people. Rural residents are also more likely than urban residents to experience a serious mental illness.”

One report suggests that for every 30,000 rural Americans there is one psychiatrist. This is interesting, and it would be interesting to know how many out of those 30,000 need psychiatric help. But we’ll never get any accurate information regarding that.

So, do we need more therapists? Or is it something more serious, a more systemic issue? I don’t think there is a black or white answer. I mean, I have no real ideas that would matter. I’m just like everyone else: pointing out the flaws in the system with no real alternative measure in mind.

Bipolar Brain Fog: Seeing Thru the Haze

“When it’s foggy in the pulpit it’s cloudy in the pew.”

– Cavett Rober

I’ve touched upon this topic once before in an “a day in the life” post, but it’s something that bears repeating. Because I might forget.

Over the last year or so, I have been experiencing some semi-serious memory issues and some problems with basic motor skills and coordination. I was able to hide these specific problems from my wife for nearly three months before having to officially let the cat out of the bag.

And I only had to do that because I was stumbling around the house one day my wife and I were both home. It was a particularly bad day for me; I had no sense of perception or balance, and was bumping into furniture and running into walls. After about the third obvious misstep, though (no pun intended) I just looked over at my wife. In return, I was pretty much given the “Okay, let’s hear it” look and so I proceeded to tell her what I had been trying so hard to avoid.

It was almost painless…except for the part that wasn’t. I was embarrassed, and I had been forgetting everything, short-term and long-term. I would get hung up in a conversation and not know how to navigate back into it. How did I even manage to keep this a secret for this long? It didn’t matter how to my wife, only why.

WHY did you keep this a secret for so long?

I guess other than being embarrassed (and a little scared) I’m not sure myself. I knew, though, that when one of those “moments” would occur I would leave the room as quickly as possible and go to the bathroom and cry. I initially started this as a method of returning from the edge. I would hope that staring at myself while flooding the counters with my boxed-up tears would act as a trigger to “come back to”. This rarely worked, if ever.

The first thing was first, though, and that was to get in with the doctor ASAP. I had already wasted enough time and had finally accepted what was going on. To a certain extent, anyway.

I already see a neurologist because of a seizure disorder, so it didn’t take too long to get that appointment scheduled. I had both a CT scan and an MRI before the appointment, so I was looking forward to getting some answers.

Of course, it’s not that simple, is it?

The MRI did show two small areas on my corona radiata, an area between the cortex and brain stem. A second MRI was then ordered, and I started to worry. By this point, I was unsure of why another MRI was necessary after I had demonstrated my inability to do what the neurologist was asking of me, both mentally and physically. The physical test’s results indicated I had no reflexes in either foot/ankle, and my whole left side was significantly weaker than my right. The second part of the physical test required me to walk toe-to-toe down a long hallway – which I failed miserably at.

So, I expected some sort of answer. Things were ruled out, such as mini strokes and multiple sclerosis, but nothing was ruled on. I suppose finding out what it wasn’t should have acted as some sort of relief or buffer, but it didn’t.

It was time to get back to the drawing board.

After more lab work, another MRI on the books, and visits with other doctors, I was given at least a little bit of start. As more things continued to be ruled out, we had to at least be getting a little bit closer to an answer, right?

I have experienced all the symptoms and feelings and moods that come with along with bipolar disorder, so I thought I had the game down. But as always, this was not the case. At this point, I was just hoping to forget I was even sick, bipolar or not.

As for where I stand right now, I personally do believe what’s been going on is (more than likely) related to my illness.

Specifically, it’s referred to as “bipolar brain fog”. I guess it’s real enough. I look at it as another rung on the ladder for me, a ladder where the climb is overwhelming and never-ending.

Bipolar brain fog is described as having the “inability to focus on a task, retrieve simple memories or words, or tune out distractions.”

Fortunately – for me, anyway – I hate sympathy (even just sitting here writing this is making me cringe a little), so that in and of itself just acts as a motivator for me to not be like “why me?” or to seek out attention in any other way. Sympathy of any kind just makes me feel uncomfortable, so instead of showering in those negative waters, I decided to just hang out in Lake Out-of-Sight-Out-of-Mind. Back to avoiding the truth again. It was either that or go crazy, and I just couldn’t afford that.

As I tread forward, though, it truly does feel like it may be my bipolar disorder causing everything. From the initial MRI to now, it appears that there are areas in my brain that have shrunk in size. This seems to be indicative of these issues stemming from bipolar disorder.

Memory issues caused by bipolar disorder can be traced to the seriousness of the extreme highs and lows associated with the illness. The excessive and intense repetition of cycling is major causation of memory issues in someone with bipolar disorder.

Now, to clarify, these are not constant issues. I do deal with them daily, but not 24/7 like many others.

It’s still scary. One study suggests that bipolar disorder may cause progressive brain damage. It can even lead to early-onset dementia or Alzheimer’s disease. Now, does that mean that those things are going to happen for sure? No. Does it make sense why I might be scared at times? I’d like to think so.

Bipolar disorder and memory loss are linked to “deficits in regions of the brain,…each of which plays a role in memory as well as movement, learning, reward, motivation, emotion, and romantic interaction.”

My next appointment with the neurologist is later this month so, fingers crossed for another MRI, I guess.

To be in my early 30s and to already be seeing doctors for memory loss concerns is scary. I don’t want to lose anything else I already don’t have.

So, take away anything else. Take whatever you want.

Just don’t take my mind. Don’t take the one thing that’s truly mine.

Leave me my mind.

Social Media Totally Hijacked My Mental Health

“People who smile while they are alone used to be called insane until we invented smartphones and social media.”

– Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Not entirely or fully accurate, but the damage has been done. Forget the needle. In this day and age, it’s more like TikTok and the damage done.

Without doing any research on the topic, I am sure there has been a multitude of tests and studies conducted to compare the effects of drugs on the human brain to that of social media on the human brain. It’s quite clear neither is truly healthy for anyone (you can decide which is worse), but what direct effect does social media and its use have on our mental health and overall psychological well-being?

In 2021, there were around 3 billion active monthly users of various social media, and that only continues to grow. It shows that if it is indeed a problem, it’s not going away anytime soon.

Comparing the problem to being one “as big as climate change”, Facebook whistleblower Frances Haugen leaked thousands of documents that showed Facebook knew the harm it could cause as a social media platform and did nothing about it. Money above all else. Always. Thanks, Zuckerberg.

THE SCIENCE

One study conducted shows that “companies use mechanisms in our brain to hook us on social media.” A typical social media platform’s initial goal is to ultimately “hook” us, which in turn gives them a serious form of complex control. There’s also significant proof to suggest that irresponsible social media practices can lead to anxiety, depression, sleep disruption, and anti-social behavior.

As mentioned before, I knew there were obvious ramifications to us humans by the irresponsible, overuse of social media – I just never knew what they were specifically. I would have never initially guessed the correlation between social media use and anxiety and depression. It makes perfect sense, though. Sometimes you just need to see things through a different lens before fully understanding the scope of the matter.

“Social media is basically a way to drugify human connection,” Anna Lembke, MD, said. “One of the ways our brain gets us to make those connections is [to] release dopamine. Things that are addictive release a lot more dopamine in the brain.”

According to Lembke, the more we trigger that intense pleasure response we get from social media, “the more we crave it.” It begins to take hold like a drug, to where you continually need more and more of it to reach one’s desired (or required) level or “high”, for lack of a better word. It’s like gambling because you always return when your odds are very low. It is a constant need for validation by way of the internet which can quickly get out of control.         

THE DANGERS

Other than the ones already mentioned, the dangers of the overuse of social media can range from emotional to mental to physical. One of the more significant aspects of the damage being done stems from sleep issues caused by social media use. The effects that sleep, or a lack thereof, can have on both mind and body are scary and dangerous.

Recent studies suggest people who frequently use social media feel more depressed. Social media can make one feel isolated and alone. One study of young adults in the U.S. found that “occasional users of social media are three times less likely to experience symptoms of depression than heavy users.” However, the loneliness created by the isolation can cause depression and anxiety in anyone.

Another danger posed is the damage caused by how it can boost one’s self-esteem. Yes, you read that right. It’s the way people seek out that self-esteem boost that is damaging. This is done by commenting on or posting something with the goal of receiving some sort of unhealthy positive feedback. The search for confirmation by means of feigned or exaggerated circumstances is unhealthy in and of itself. The repercussions of this style of self-gratification can be serious and can also lead to severe psychological problems.

Online bullying is another possible danger. This could take shape in the form of general bullying, by use of offensive or insulting language, or any number of other hurtful behaviors. When this behavior happens on a social media platform, it is widely viewed and even shared. This makes it nearly impossible to reduce the impact.

YOUTH IS TRAGEDY

These are just some of the things that can be negatively impacted by social media. So, why do users keep coming back?

“When the outcome is unpredictable, the behavior is more likely to repeat,” Jacqueline Sperling, PhD, said. “One does not know how many likes a picture will get, who will ‘like’ the picture, and when the picture will receive likes. The unknown outcome and the possibility of a desired outcome can keep users engaged with the sites.”

This is especially true with teenagers and young people. One of the reasons is the fear of missing out. Say, you’re not on social media but all your friends are. This can create a sense of being left out or of missing out on something others in your peer group get to experience. However, the younger you are when you start, the stronger the impact will be down the line.

Sterling also points out that a filter attached to the digital world can cause confusion amongst young people. It can blur the line between what’s real and what’s not.

“Middle school already is challenging for students with all of their developmental changes,” Sterling said. “As they go through puberty, they’re tasked with establishing their identity at a time when the frontal lobes in their brains are not fully developed, and there is a lack of impulse control. All of this happens while their relationships with peers become more important. It’s a very vulnerable population to have access to something where there is no stopgap before they post or press the send button. I think that’s something of which to be mindful.”

SUGGESTIONS FOR PROTECTING YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

Below are a few suggestions to maintain mental health while using social media:

  • Limit your time on social media platforms. Some platforms, such Apple and Google, have settings to help you do this automatically on your phone.
  • Consider what sites and profiles you visit; if they make you feel bad, unfollow them
  • Before you post something about yourself or someone else, consider if you would make this comment in an in-person setting
  • Remember that what you post will be very hard to take back or remove
  • Remember that what people post, or what you see, may not be honest or real presentations of their experiences or lives
  • Leave or unfollow a profile/page/site if it is making you feel worse
  • Report posts that are hurtful or making you worried
  • Tell an adult you trust – a parent, teacher, school counselor – immediately if a friend is posting content that worries you or suggests that they may be in a serious situation

As someone who uses certain social media platforms professionally, I know they can be very useful resources. I am not someone who uses social media for personal use very often; I have 170 friends on my personal Facebook – not because I’m antisocial, but because I only accept friend requests from people I actually know. This makes it easier to stay outside the boxes constructed when it comes to my usage of social media.

That being said, the dangers of social media to one’s mental health can be disastrous and long-lasting. However, we do live in a world where it’s hard to “unplug” because of the convenience of advanced technology. It’s everywhere. And the risk will always be there, too.

It’s not impossible to live a positive and balanced life on social media. However, it’s through discipline and insight that true personal awareness can be obtained, which is necessary.

a day in the life: snapshots & hand-me-downs

“The past beats inside me like a second heart.”

– John Banville

I recently had the luxury of finding an old notebook, one that had been used simply for creative purposes. It was about fifteen years old, but you couldn’t tell by its condition. However, the age of the notebook became more than evident after opening it up. To me, anyway.

Upon looking at the chicken scrawl that was my teen handwriting, and the pages and pages of pretentious writing that were also mine…I had a serious cringe moment. I don’t think of myself as a regular Hemingway, but my immaturity was on full display in those pages. It was also real clear that I had no real insight fifteen years ago. Just based on some of the passages I could stomach reading.

“…of the stiff, suspicious statues –

I stumbled along in agonizing anticipation

The voices were hollow and near

hiding in the plaguing darkness

I stopped –

and took in the sky…”

(2007)

There is absolutely no meaning to that. I had no idea what it meant then, and I still don’t. And I won’t try to pretend to spin it now.

The notebook is full of writing that makes me grimace. But its writing shows a side of me, one that I had yet to even define at that point.

It’s only one of many notebooks I could dig out and have the same feeling over (I have even at times thought about getting all the “old stuff” together in a chronological fashion of some sort, but life hasn’t allowed for that to happen). They’re the notebooks that are the basis for anything I am now.

They include song lyrics:

A worried man’s got his worried mind

And sees with two eyes that have gone blind

I been standing in the back just trying to get her name

When you’re that hard-up for a little fix

You ain’t clean, just a sober addict

You’re a million miles away, and everything’s changed

And poetry:

“I bought a brand-new mirror

and I hung it on the wall

I knelt before it every night

And prayed it wouldn’t fall…”

And then I stumbled upon this last little piece. It’s a poem that, at even twelve years old, I have found some merit in.

The Day I Left

the day I left,

in shackles and hand-me-downs,

the hardest thing –

that once remembered dream of

Passion,

I left the beach

I left, strangled and oblivious,

the curtain of hope decaying,

a penned elegy in my place

she was a sad-eyed mystery,

who was whatever I wanted,

sacred remnant

(left the beach for this?)

Instead of diamonds for sand and the sun for a father,

we have this –

Bombs for beachballs, tanks for cruise ships,

war for fun-in-the-sun

I see it all thru concave,

                  visions of mass deception,          

a summertime loss

this wavy clarity takes away

my security

the truth and enlightenment we need is found

in nuclear warfare,

and in our God,

bomb

Blessed,

I left in sleep

Cursed,

I left her

I push this way,

you pull the other

The day I left.

I found salvation

But not the kind I hoped to find

I found loneliness

I was blessed

on the day that I left

I guess if I had a point in today’s ramblings it would be to be careful what you hold onto and what you throw away. It may be old and it may be immature, but it also might contain the plotline for the next great American novel.

Sleep, or the Lack Thereof

“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?”

– Ernest Hemingway

Sleep is perhaps one of the most important fundamentals in a person’s life. The Sleep Foundation describes sleep as an “essential function”, one that allows “your body and mind to recharge, leaving you refreshed and alert when you wake up.”

It’s extremely important that most adults get seven to nine hours of sleep a night. A lack of sleep is linked to a higher risk for obesity, type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, early death, and poor mental health.

According to the Mental Health Foundation, there are a variety of reasons you may not be getting the sleep you need, including:

  • Stress or worry
  • A change in the noise level or temperature of your bedroom
  • A different routine
  • Too much caffeine or alcohol
  • Shift work
  • Physical or mental health problems
  • Side effects of certain medications

There are several types of sleep disorders, but the most prevalent is insomnia. According to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, insomnia is defined as the “difficulty either falling or staying asleep that is accompanied by daytime impairments related to those sleep troubles.” Research from the Mayo Clinic suggests 30% of all adults will experience short-term insomnia and 10% of adults will experience long-term insomnia.

Insomnia symptoms may include:

  • Difficulty falling asleep at night
  • Waking up during falling asleep at night’s sleep
  • Waking up too early
  • Not feeling well-rested after a night’s sleep
  • Daytime tiredness or sleepiness
  • Irritability, depression or anxiety
  • Difficulty paying attention, focusing on tasks or remembering
  • Increased errors or accidents
  • Ongoing worries about sleep

Insomnia is not uncommon. In fact, it’s the most common sleep disorder, and one that can be very dangerous.

That’s never stopped me, though. Of course, I shouldn’t be proud of that, and I’m not. But I do suffer from serious insomnia.

I suffer from chronic insomnia (which recently has come in handy with the birth of my youngest son). Being bipolar doesn’t help the matter any. When manic, I’ve stayed up for days without “needing” to rest. That’s not an everyday occurrence, thankfully, but it’s happened enough for me to be used to it.

To the lucky 75% of those who recover from their insomnia, I applaud you and wonder, “what’s your secret?”

I’ve been on all the meds: Ambien. Sonata. Belsomra. Trazadone. Restoril. Lunesta. I’ve stuck with Lunesta because it works some of the time. It’s hit or miss, which at this point is all I can hope for.

Insomnia is usually caused by bad sleep habits, depression, anxiety, and chronic illness. It can even be caused by certain medications.

According to the Mayo Clinic, there are ways to fight insomnia, including:

  • Stick to a schedule: Keep your bedtime and wake time consistent from day to day, including on weekends.
  • Stay active: Regular activity helps promote a good night’s sleep. Schedule exercise at least a few hours before bedtime and avoid stimulating activities before bedtime.
  • Check your medications: If you take medications regularly, check with your doctor to see if they may be contributing to your insomnia. Also check the labels of OTC products to see if they contain caffeine or other stimulants, such as pseudoephedrine.
  • Avoid or limit naps: Naps can make it harder to fall asleep at night. If you can’t get by without one, try to limit a nap to no more than 30 minutes and don’t nap after 3 p.m.
  • Avoid or limit caffeine and alcohol/Don’t use nicotine: All of these can make it harder to sleep, and effects can last for several hours.
  • Don’t put up with pain: If a painful condition bothers you, talk to your doctor about options for pain relievers that are effective enough to control pain while you’re sleeping.
  • Avoid large meals and beverages before bed: A light snack is fine and may help avoid heartburn. Drink less liquid before bedtime so that you won’t have to urinate as often.

Suffering from a mental illness can make falling asleep no easy task. It is usually easier said than done for me since other factors play a role. I’ve always had trouble sleeping. I struggle with falling asleep, not staying asleep. If I can get there, I’m there. It’s the getting to sleep that so often eludes me.

No matter, insomnia and other sleep disorders can be extremely damaging, especially to those with a mental health disorder. Mental health disorders tend to make it harder to sleep well, in general.

Disorders Affected by Lack of Sleep:

  • Depression
  • Seasonal Affective Disorder
  • Anxiety Disorders
  • Bipolar Disorder
  • Schizophrenia
  • ADHD
  • Autism Spectrum Disorder

There is research to suggest that “brain activity during sleep has profound effects on emotional and mental health.” A 2021 study also suggests that issues with insomnia are “associated with significantly increased odds of frequent mental distress.”

Overall, sleep helps maintain cognitive abilities, including learning, memory, and emotional regulation. This is especially important to note to those who suffer from any kind of mental illness or psychiatric condition.

So, I guess that poet was wrong: Sleep isn’t just for dreamers.

The Perks (or So I’m Told) of Bipolar Disorder

“In the terms of ‘Mental Illness’ isn’t stable a place they put horses that wish to run free?”

– Stanley Victor Paskavich

If you follow my blog regularly, don’t worry if I’ve strayed from my personal journey of positive thinking. I haven’t. But I am wondering if someone’s playing a joke on me. I’m behind the computer as we speak, waiting for someone to jump and shout, “GOTCHA!” Just know I went in with the idea for this post relieved and even a little bit excited. By the time I was done, though, I couldn’t tell if I was baffled, underwhelmed, or downright appalled.

It may seem ignorant (or arrogant, depending on which way you look at it) to suggest that there is any kind of upside to the bipolar condition. I would not be able to see past the question before giving an answer that was less than friendly. Understanding that now does do a lot of good but makes up for very little.

That said, I’ve always had my personal beliefs about any connections between bipolar disorder and intelligence, creativity, etc. They were in no way unbiased, universal, or set in stone. It turns out, though, there is research to suggest that being bipolar doesn’t always have to be all bad.

Many people think genetics is the only factor that plays a role in this disorder’s existence. One study on the matter suggests that “despite the clear contribution of genetics to the etiology of bipolar disorder, little of the genetic architecture is currently understood.”

That same study also found five positive psychological traits dominant in those with bipolar disorder:

· Spirituality

· Empathy

· Creativity

· Realism

· Resilience

These traits “are generally viewed as valuable and beneficial morally or socially.”

I can only speak for myself, but I wouldn’t have guessed those to be the traits amplified in a positive light by bipolar disorder.

One of the psychiatrists who worked on the study, Nassir Ghaemi, is turning some heads with some of his research.

Ghaemi, psychiatrist and author of A First-Rate Madness: Uncovering the Links between Leadership and Mental Illness, has evidence supporting the study’s contentious findings.

“Depression enhances empathy and realism, and the mania enhances creativity and resilience … so when people have bipolar disorder, they have the full gamut of benefits.”

According to Ghaemi, those with bipolar disorder “are better equipped for times of crisis.”

This is playing semantics as far as I’m concerned. I personally don’t find it offensive but would understand why someone else suffering from bipolar disorder might. The word “crisis” is applicable in many different ways and on many different levels. To suggest that someone with bipolar disorder has the “full gamut of benefits” is offensive in general and, even more so, inaccurate.

The idea of resilience being a positive trait of this illness kind of makes sense to me, but the cynic in me can see how that might be offensive to others, as well. It may also be the cynic in me and not the bipolar disorder that makes me think, “Resilience? At what cost?”

Ghaemi said he believes exposure to adversity can provide a kind of “mental vaccine” against future adversity, in turn creating a kind of organic resilience.

“People with bipolar disorder … have traumatic manic or depressed episodes, and then it goes away. They actually recover from these episodes,” he said.

This is a misleading, reckless statement. I’m walking proof that that isn’t a rational assumption. I can only speak for myself, but even when I “come out” of a depressive or manic state I am always reminded that I only have a certain number of tools to work with – and they’re never enough. And they never will be. That’s part of the disorder: When you go into remission, you think you’ll be ready for next time. And then next time comes and you realize too late you were far from ready.

I can’t speak to the sense of spirituality that inflates by the madness; I myself am not a spiritual person so I can’t speak to the idea’s logic or lack thereof. The idea is that someone with bipolar disorder may “rely” on spirituality to help them through. Although this makes sense to me, I still cannot relate.

David Miklowitz, director of the Child and Adolescent Mood Disorders Program at UCLA’s Semel Institute, believes traits such as spirituality, in fact, are worth developing as safeguards.

He says, “for people with bipolar disorder to think about their personal goals for recovery—not taking medication and only taking medication, but are there other things that could be helpful to their long-term quality of life?”

This is true, but we must not lose sight of where, and in what order, our priorities need lie. “Recovery” in the land of mental illness and make-believe doesn’t mean “recovery” in the standard, typical sense here on dry land. For me, recovery is like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow: the idea is fun, but that’s about it. If you’re going to worry about being resilient or creative, you better have the “basic” stuff (like a medication regimen and therapy) MORE than down pat beforehand. Remember, this is war.

But, Miklowitz does note the danger in romanticizing the “mad genius” concept.

“…where we get into trouble … is when it’s implied that bipolar people are more creative than other people and then the logical leap that people make is, ‘Well, if I go off my medications, then I’ll be really creative.’ And that’s when disasters tend to occur.”

It seems like Miklowitz wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He seems to be nailing down the importance of maintaining a healthy lifestyle while at the same time entertaining a hypothesis that, from where I’m sitting, seems a little too unrealistic.

So, what about depression? Does one’s close nature with suffering allow them to tap into a secret vault of empathy? Well, according to the study, kind of.

“I…think that people with bipolar disorder have a unique way of perceiving the world,” Roumen Miley, psychiatrist and clinical director of the Providence Care Mood Disorder Research and Treatment Service, said. “They have increased sensitivity. When people are depressed, they experience the world in a different way. They become more sensitive to the world and to the pain in the world.”

This ideology does make me wonder if I’m a bipolar anomaly in that I disagree. Sure, I see the world through a lens that only I can. And someone with breast cancer sees the world through a lens only they can. It makes me feel like a spectacle. I don’t want to be interesting or knowledgeable in that regard. I don’t want to be “fun” to be around if what I’ve gone through continues to be the price. I’m flattered, but no thanks.

There has been a known correlation between creativity/intelligence and bipolar disorder for decades now, but no one can point to the reason why. It’s been common knowledge for some time that there is an extreme genetic component to the illness, but no one knows anything about which gene that is and why.

I’m not in complete disagreement with some of the conclusions these researchers came to, but I question the unusual directions they followed to reach said destinations.

I’m not offended to a point of irrational defiance, and granted, I know very little about the professional backgrounds of the researchers involved…but their intentions weren’t entirely in the right place.

On another note, the study also puts out the idea that having a “positive cognitive bias” shows people without a mental illness often misjudge both their own capabilities and control. They also tend to interpret events with too much of a positive attitude. So, are people without bipolar disorder different than “us” because they’re too positive and lack a certain kind of control?

The study aside, even the title of Dr. Ghaemi’s book, A First-Rate Madness: Uncovering the Links between Leadership and Mental Illness, makes me wonder about some of the connections made. I’m sure the research is there, but it sounds silly taken at face-value.

A catalyst for Ghaemi’s research, Tom Wootton founded what’s called the Bipolar Advantage in 2003. Its mission is to “focus on learning how to thrive DURING manic and depressive episodes. Those who achieve remission end up in crisis the next time it happens. Those who learn to thrive never have to worry about their next episode again.” I never knew a mission statement could be so irresponsible and potentially dangerous. But, hey, for the right price you can learn to harness delusional mania or that earth-shattering depression to your advantage.

Do I believe that’s possible to a certain extent? Yes, but only to an extent.

It’s the language that scares me. Not everyone’s brain chemistry is going to change by taking some overpriced web seminar.

This illness is like walking through fire. You become stripped down to your most raw, bare form and then you feel. You’ll feel feelings that you could’ve gone your whole life without. Feeling them in a way you know no one else can relate to or tolerate. I’m not special. I already deal with the disorder so don’t belittle me by trying to fit me inside one of your boxes because I’ll get out.

To quote the study, “By gaining a better appreciation for the positive aspects of mental illness and exploring methods to enhance these traits, we may improve clinical outcomes.”

Maybe they’re right. Through all the research maybe they’ve found the way in and cracked the code. But just because we can’t start the book on page one doesn’t mean we have to rewrite the first three chapters. I understand there is no linear approach when researching and treating bipolar disorder, but the conditions in which these conclusions were drawn are unusual and self-serving.

Like I said at the beginning, I approached doing this post with a proud enthusiasm; I was ready to be able to have something of tangible, evidentiary value that there was an upside to my downside. And there is, of course. I’m just not sure Dr. Ghaemi or any other researcher here pointed it out.

“In the storm of crisis, complete sanity can steer us astray, while some insanity brings us to port,” he said.

Needless to say, I won’t ever be getting on a boat with Dr. Ghaemi, proverbial or otherwise.

To blog, or not to blog, is there really any question?

“Blogging is like work, but without coworkers thwarting you at every turn.”

– Scott Adams

I recently wrote a post about the health benefits that blogging can provide, and there are many. I’d like to cexplore this a little more in depth, though. The effects of this specific type of release are tremendous. It seems obvious on a very basic level, but the facts are in, and they speak for themselves.

According to the American Psychological Association, blogging is healthy in ways you may never have imagined. Mental health experts say that short-term, focused writing can “enhance immune function, lower blood pressure, decrease heart rate, reduce asthma and arthritis symptoms, and lessen sleep disturbances in patients with metastatic cancers”.

Again, the benefits are plentiful.

A 2013 study suggests blogging is more effective than basic journaling or writing.

There are four categories when it comes acknowledging the health benefits of blogging:

· Interaction with others

o There is both a sense of community and anonymity amongst bloggers.

· Inwardly oriented benefits

o Being able to vent or express oneself is a key benefit that blogging provides. There is less emphasis on certain aspects of differences in the blogging world.

· Providing a safe space apart from ‘real life’

o The blogging community, no matter how large it gets, still allows one to feel safe while still having a voice in the mix.

· Use of time spent blogging

o Blogging can be a constructive and therapeutic activity, while also offering a much-needed distraction.

Researchers at the University of Texas discovered other physical benefits of blogging, such as:

· enhance immune function

· lower blood pressure

· decrease heart rate

· reduce asthma and arthritis symptoms

· lessen sleep disturbances in patients with metastatic cancers

The American Psychological Association (APA) supports expressing thoughts and feelings in the arts, including blogging and journaling.

Blogging also promotes wellness, which provides people with certain skills needed to “recover”. Wellness helps us mend, restore, and to be whole.

Blogging can also help chip away at the stigma of mental illness, according to Ali Mattu, PhD, a clinical psychologist.

“As psychologists, it’s our job to model how to handle these things, and if we’re not willing to talk about some of our own difficulties and how we’ve sought help, how do we expect our patients to do it?”

Deborah Serani, PsyD, a New York-based psychotherapist, agrees.

“There’s a lot of science grounding expressive language writing and journaling as being an helpful piece for maintaining mental wellness,” she said. “You don’t want patients to use their 50-minute session to process what’s going on in their lives.”

Being able to appreciate the anonymity of blogging while still taking advantage of its communal perks only goes to show its influence.

It is important, but blogging isn’t a cure-all or should take the place of other healthy alternatives.

“Social media can be a good adjunct to treatment, but not a replacement,” says Colorado clinical psychologist Stephanie Smith, PsyD, who blogs about the importance of psychology and good mental health. Smith acknowledges that there are many people who can’t afford the treatment they need.

“If online support and resources are all that some folks can manage, then it’s important we support them in that.”

Despite all the health benefits, there are downsides to blogging.

“Negative comments are inevitable when blogging, and in fact, there are people who troll blogs to find something to argue, berate or taunt,” Serani says. “Resist talking back, arguing or trying to prove your point to the negative commenter. Instead, delete his or her existence once you discover it.”

Since blogging and other social media outlets are here to stay, it’s important for psychologists to understand how the technology is used in the best way for healthy blogging.

No Complaints

“Once you’re labeled, you can be treated. On other occasions, labeling leads to tyranny, like with childhood bipolar disorder in the U.S.”

– Jan Ronson

I chose the quote above because I feel it shows both the good and bad of the madness that is bipolar disorder. It’s true: once you receive your “label” you can begin a treatment plan. At the same time, however, once you get that “mental illness” label it never goes away. At least not completely, anyway.

I’m in a space (for the moment) where nothing seems to be able shake me. I’m not manic or depressed, but I felt an overwhelming sense of clarity and peace the other day that was, for me at least, an eye-opening and humbling experience. I haven’t looked back since.

I’m nihilistic by nature and a natural cynic at heart, so that has definitely played a role in my perspective and attitudes toward these types of “things”. Coping skills…well, even if they don’t work there’s no reason not to commit to something that could possibly be extremely beneficial.

I mentioned my cynicism, which is usually interpreted as pessimism by those closest to me. However, I’ve been able to turn that perspective around and use the change to my advantage. No, not all is perfect, but it’s an interesting and unexpected change and for once I’m not being the “negative” person bringing everyone else down.

Hope. Hope is an amazing feeling (I’ve never said anything remotely like that before in all of my life). To have hope is a great benefit, especially in your darkest hour.

So, I have no complaints, and I guess I’m better off for the wear. Like I said, if this new “attitude” isn’t as life-changing as I hoped, the commitment to a healthy routine can only be a good thing.

I shall keep all of you posted. And hopefully seeing a change in my perspective may be helpful to someone else.

I’ll take it.

Self-Care & Mental Health

man running on side of road

“What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candor, and more unashamed conversation.”

– Glenn Close

One of the most important things us mentally ill folks can do is practice consistent, and proper self-care. Self-care is an important approach to managing long-term health conditions, especially when it comes to one’s mental and emotional health. Plus, it’s just downright good for you.

But what exactly is self-care? It is something generally described as the process of taking care of oneself, promoting good health and the management of illness.

According to Harbor Light Hospice, self-care promotes a “healthy relationship with yourself to the benefit of your physical, mental, and emotional health”.

Not being able to take care of oneself makes it harder to take care of others. As a husband and a father to three boys, I don’t have the option of not being there for them.

That’s why practicing self-care is such an integral part of self-maintenance and self-preservation. It can improve both one’s overall health and well-being, and can also help manage stress, lower the risk of illness, and increase energy.

Here are some tips from NIMH to help you get started with self-care:

  • Get regular exercise. Just 30 minutes of walking every day can help boost your mood and improve your health.
  • Eat healthy, regular meals and stay hydrated. A balanced diet and plenty of water can improve your energy and focus throughout the day. Also, limit caffeinated beverages such as soft drinks or coffee.
  • Make sleep a priority. Stick to a schedule, and make sure you’re getting enough sleep.
  • Try a relaxing activity. Explore relaxation or wellness programs or apps, which may incorporate meditation, muscle relaxation, or breathing exercises.
  • Set goals and priorities. Decide what must get done now and what can wait. Learn to say “no” to new tasks if you start to feel like you’re taking on too much. Try to be mindful.
  • Practice gratitude. Remind yourself daily of things you are grateful for. Be specific.
  • Focus on positivity. Identify and challenge your negative and unhelpful thoughts.
  • Stay connected. Reach out to your friends or family members who can provide emotional support and practical help.

Self-care can even help support one’s treatment and recovery, if true recovery is even possible.

Sometimes, however, even self-care can seem like an impossible task to take on.

It is important to seek out medical help if you are experiencing severe or distressing symptoms, such as:

  • Difficulty sleeping
  • Appetite changes that result in unwanted weight changes
  • Struggling to get out of bed in the morning because of mood
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Loss of interest in things you usually find enjoyable
  • Inability to perform usual daily functions and responsibilities

More Tips for Practicing Proper Self-Care

  • Take breaks to unwind through yoga, music, gardening, or new hobbies
  • Find new ways to safely connect with family and friends, get support, and share feelings
  • Take care of your body and get moving to lessen fatigue, anxiety, or sadness
  • Treat yourself to healthy foods and get enough sleep

Self-care has become a more popular, mainstream concept in recent years. According to Google Trends, the number of searches for “self-care” has more than doubled over the last five years.

Marni Amsellem, PhD, a licensed psychologist, describes self-care as “anything that you do for yourself that feels nourishing.”

“It can be something that’s relaxing or calming, or it can be something that is intellectual or spiritual or physical or practical or something you need to get done,” she said.

So, self-care can mean and be something different to everyone.

Self-care can also include things, such as:

  • Turning off the TV instead of watching another episode because the alarm is going off at 5am so you can get to the gym.
  • Declining the second drink at the office holiday party.
  • Saying “no” to the thing you don’t want to do even if someone is going to be angry at you.
  • Maintaining financial independence.
  • Doing work that matters.
  • Letting other people take care of themselves.

Bottom line: You have to take care of yourself. And in more than one way. We weren’t built to last. There are enough negative factors surrounding our illnesses as it is, so self-care is the least we can do to try and maintain some semblance of sanity and balance. There’s still going to be bad days, but we just have to try and push through. It’s all we can do.

Memories and Nightmares

yellow stethoscope and medicines on pink background

“Swinging by some shoelaces and weathered chains, my atoms rearranged, rearranged.”

– Tummyache, Median

Memories. I know this is something I have touched on several times in my 60+ posts over the last three months, but I can’t get away from it or all of the memories surrounding it.

This month marks the 20th anniversary of the suicide of a close friend. He hung himself in a tree in his backyard when I was in the 6th grade. We just so happened to be neighbors, so I was there and saw the whole thing.

I know the suicide of a loved one can affect people differently – many go through different phases or stages of grief, anger, understanding, acceptance. Not me. I never cried and I was never mad or angry, just in total shock. Disbelief. Numb isn’t the right word, either, but it felt like a punch to the gut I would never recover from. The memories of it all still and will forever haunt me.

Untreated mental illness is dangerous, and my friend Mark was a prime example of that. The statistics are alarming, but there are those who feel the statistics are meant to alarm. But I can’t seem to shake it. Without sounding “oh, woe is me”, it just shouldn’t be the case.

I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 15, again at 17, and then at 24, which is when I decided to seek out treatment. If I hadn’t I more than likely would’ve been just another statistic.

And instead of me regurgitating a bunch of facts, I’m just going to go straight to the horse’s mouth instead of spouting out memories of facts:

How common is bipolar disorder?

  • Globally, 46 million people around the world have bipolar disorder. (Our World in Data, 2018)
  • One survey of 11 countries found the lifetime prevalence of bipolar disorder was 2.4%. The U.S. had a 1% prevalence of bipolar type I, which was notably higher than many other countries in this survey. (Therapeutic Advances in Psychopharmacology, 2018) 
  • Annually, an estimated 2.8% of U.S. adults have a bipolar disorder diagnosis (Harvard Medical School, 2007).
  • Of all mood disorders, those with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder were found to have the highest likelihood of being classified with “severe” impairment (82.9%). (Archives of General Psychiatry, 2005)
  • The past-year prevalence of bipolar disorder is similar in females and males (2.8% and 2.9%, respectively). (National Institute of Mental Health, 2017)

Bipolar disorder statistics by age

  • The average age of onset is 25 years old. (National Alliance on Mental Illness, 2017)
  • People ages 18 to 29 years old had the highest rates of bipolar disorder (4.7%) followed by 30- to 44-year-olds (3.5%) as of 2001-2003. (Harvard Medical School, 2007)
  • People 60 and older had the lowest rates of bipolar disorder (0.7%) as of 2001-2003. (Harvard Medical School, 2007)
  • Only 2.9% of adolescents had bipolar disorder as of 2001-2004, the majority of which had severe impairment. (Archives of General Psychiatry, 2005)

Bipolar disorder and overall health

  • On average, bipolar disorder results in 9.2 years reduction in expected life span (National Institute of Mental Health, 2017).
  • The risk of suicide is high in people with bipolar disorder with 15% to 17% committing suicide. (Treatment Advocacy Center)
  • Up to 60% of people with any mental health disorder, including bipolar disorder, develop substance use disorders. (WebMD, 2006)
  • Of those with bipolar disorder, many report co-occurring health conditions, which are most commonly migraine, asthma, and high cholesterol. High blood pressure, thyroid disease, and osteoarthritis were also identified as high probability co-occurring health problems. (The British Journal of Psychiatry, 2014)

This particular stat suggests that up to 20% of bipolar subjects end their life by suicide, and 20–60% of them attempt suicide at least once in their lifetime. 

That sentence should scare the shit out of you. It should be cause for alarm. And it should be a wake-up call for those who judge or are ignorant to this illness.

Less than 3% of the United States population suffers from this disorder. We are by far outnumbered (not that I would wish this affliction on anyone) and it’s sad. Mental illness and mental health awareness in general has improved in this country to an extent, but nowhere near enough to make much of a difference.

I find it interesting that because I am bipolar, I have a decreased life expectancy of 9-17 years. Because of the possibility I may kill myself? Because of the dangers of mania? Why exactly?

Cognitively, I am slowly declining. That’s why reading and writing are so important to me. I want my mind and my memories. I always want to remember. I never want to forget

Self-care is super important, and fortunately I still manage in that department. I could exercise more and eat healthier. But other than that, and staying on a good medication regimen, what else can I do to maintain? And when that only helps to a certain point, what do I do then?

I manage, I guess. I may not do it well, but I never back down. But how long can that pretentious mentality last? Do you think the 20% of people with bipolar disorder who committed suicide were always suicidal? What about the 60% that attempt it?

This isn’t a cry for help, but a call to arms. March 30 was World Bipolar Day and I’m not sure how constructive that was, but it didn’t affect me one bit. No one called me or asked for my opinion. I didn’t receive any notice or information. I think it was just a day for fellow-bipolars to get together and be happy and spread “awareness” – amongst themselves, that is.

But I’m not happy because no one is truly aware. Not to the point that it makes much difference.

But when more than 50% of a certain population will attempt suicide and people are still hiding from that reality, continuing to stand behind the stigma that is so hazardous to those with a mental illness, bipolar disorder in particular.

Hopelessness. That’s the one emotion someone with any mental illness needs to avoid. In my opinion, many reach that hopeless state because of the stigma and lack of help available.

I am not suicidal and am in no way judging anyone who is. I’m just here to let you know that someone is on your side. I’m here and I’m pissed. This isn’t my battle to fight alone, but I’m tired of feeling alone so it’s time to stand up for change. If no one else will, we must do it on our own. If we do not take this disorder and all of its idiosyncrasies seriously (and not just us bipolars), we are looking down a dark, downward spiral of chaos.

I may be biased because I saw my friend with an untreated mental illness hang himself 20 years ago this month. I may be biased because I am bipolar, and I know the ins and outs.

It’s time for a change, though.

I’m tired of statistics, and I refuse to be one.

Books That Have Shaped Me

pile of books

“Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counsellors, and the most patient of teachers.”

– Charles W. Eliot

Well, after the week I’ve had I thought I might do something a little more light-hearted. I’ve already discussed the power of music and the artists and albums that shaped a great part of who I am. So, I thought I might talk about some of the books that have also molded me into the person I am today.

I’m pretty eclectic, enjoying Steinbeck as much as Stephen King. I could go on and on about authors and pick them apart, so I’m going to stick with specific books (I’m still trying to conquer Infinite Jest, so…yeah).

The first book that had a profound effect on me was Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky in the 7th grade. I was, in a way, shunned by the school librarian, almost looked down upon as if I were some sort of creep or sicko (the school only went up to the 8th grade so who could check out that book without facing some sort of scrutiny?). It’s a great book and laid out and told in a unique fashion, of course, but I’m pretty sure it was the being looked at as “weird” or, most likely, feeling out of my depth that affected me the most.

Then I discovered Stephen King, and after reading Pet Sematary I knew Dean Koontz was nothing but a footnote in the world of modern fiction, an author that my father for some reason professed as being one of the best. I respectfully disagree.

When I was 13, Pet Sematary was the first book I bought with my first mowing money (that and Dreamcatcher which was not one of my better decisions). Even as a young kid I was a horror fanatic, but Pet Sematary really scared me. The movie, as well. It’s a hard story not be affected by.

I was then on a Stephen King kick and got lucky in that the next two of his books I read was The Stand and It, both of which are amazing stories as King knows how to develop a slew of memorable characters in a way that their personal development is more entertaining than the plot. My King kick continued, and although there are many duds, I own every single one of them.

When one speaks of Kerouac, On the Road is the first three words you will always hear. And although it is a great book and a perfect introduction to the work that was to come, it was Big Sur, Desolation Angels, and The Dharma Bums (“When you get to the top, just keep climbing!”) that cemented my belief as a writer that “first thought-best thought” was the way to go…that is until I re-read some of my writing and soon realized I was no Kerouac.

Howl by Allen Ginsberg, actually a long-form poem, opened up my eyes just as much as any book. The first time I read the poem, I became instantly aware of a new style of writing that changed the landscape of 20th century poetry and beyond. The raw, yet technical beauty of the words is jaw-dropping. I decided immediately that Frost nor Dickinson had nothing on this guy.

The Razor’s Edge by Somerset Maugham will always be on the list (it was the first book I read “under the influence”). I just love the story, even when I’m sober. I highly recommend it.

I, of course, grew up with the Harry Potter series so sue me, they’re great books, Plus, they got millions of kids who would otherwise not even touch a book excited about reading. And who can deny that power? But it didn’t take long for Tolkien to make his entrance into my life, easily knocking Rowling down a few rungs. It’s a toss-up at times; ask me today and I’ll say Tolkien, ask me tomorrow and who knows what I might say.

But back to Infinite Jest…my first question: is David Foster Wallace crazy? Such a mammoth of a novel, and with 300 pages of footnotes to boot! To answer the question, though, no, he’s not crazy. His brain just worked in amazing ways. If you’re interested in checking out Wallace’s work, I would recommend starting out with A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again or Consider the Lobster. One day I will finish Infinte Jest, and then I just may retire from reading altogether. Go out with a bang (kidding, kidding)! Ol’ Stephen King said that if you do not have the time to read you will never have the tools to be able to write. Pretty astute, yet common sense, if you think about it.

I could go on, and I know I’m missing many books that I could include, some even in my “Top 10”. But I don’t review books for a living, nor are any of these recommendations. These are books (and different styles of writing) that have shaped me and have a place in my heart, almost like little literary milestones. These aren’t just favorites, they’re the books that triggered growth in me as a person and a writer (no, I’ll never attempt to sit down and rewrite On the Road, but the impact it had on my life is there).

Books, just like music or whatever else it may be, are an escape for me, as they are for many. They are eye-opening in the sense that it’s clear that creativity and dedication really do pay off. You may not write the next Infinite Jest, but dedication and a little magic can go a long way.

MY TOP 5 LIFE CHANGING BOOKS (in no particular order)

  • East of Eden – Steinbeck
  • It – King
  • Big Sur – Kerouac
  • Madness (memoir) – Hornbacher
  • Brave New World – Huxley

What are some of the books that have shaped who you are and how you approach your writing?

What’s In a Name? “Manic Depression” or “Bipolar Disorder?

anonymous woman with rainbow light on face

“Yes, I’m Bipolar but I’m as normal as you except the times when my mind thinks like two.”

– Stanley Victor Paskavich

I have not outwardly been attacked or “judged” for suffering from bipolar disorder, but it’s the under-the-surface opinions people have that make it even more difficult to manage. So, judge me, I say.

What do you think when you hear the words “bipolar disorder”? Of course, the connotation and stigma are there, at least on a general level. But where does your mind go? What do you think when that label gets tossed around?

Now, same question but with the label “manic depression.” What feelings does that label signify to you?

I suffer from both, seeing as how they are the same thing. But which one sounds less stigmatizing? If you said “manic depression”, then we are in agreeance. “Manic depression” encompasses all aspects of the disorder while sounding singular.

“Bipolar disorder” is the same illness, yet the vernacular is more divisive. “Bi-” implies two, ultimately signifying a split of some sort, or two different personalities, which isn’t the case.

Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder, not a personality disorder, so I feel the term is used interchangeably at people’s convenience. This in turn creates more stigma that only gets in the way.

This is my proposition: Bring back “manic depression” so those of us with “bipolar disorder” have a fighting chance.

When both terms mean the same thing, but the one we use isolates more people than not, I think it’s time for a change.

#ManicDepression2022

A Slight Return to the Madness

woman in gray tank top

“Soon madness has worn you down. It’s easier to do what says than argue. In this way, it takes over your mind. You no longer know where it ends, and you begin. You believe anything it says. You do what it tells you, no matter how extreme or absurd. If it says you’re worthless, you agree. You plead for it to stop. You promise to behave. You are on your knees, and it laughs.”

– Marya Hornbacher

Well, it’s been a week or so since my last post, so this is just me checking in, I guess.

Of course, it’s been one of “those” weeks: work started back up (yards needed to be mowed). On top of that, I spent Wednesday and Thursday in bed, depressed as usual (I wish people knew what it meant to literally not be able to get out of bed).

But in my rapid cycling nature, I am back, and have spent the last couple of days in a state of “stifled mania” (the medication helps the severity of the episodes). Today is Sunday, though, and I’m glad to be able to enjoy the beautiful weather here. And no work. It’s a great day to spend with the family and I’m genuinely happy. It may be fleeting, and tomorrow is a new day. So, who knows, right? All I can do is all I can do.

The above quote is as accurate as it gets. It never goes away, the madness. You eventually realize the demons aren’t laughing with you, but at you. Like every time before, though, damage all but done, it passes like all else.

I’m planning on spending some more time on another writing project, as well, but I’m not going anywhere. I just needed a recharge.

I hope that’s all, anyway.

You Walk on Eggshells, I Walk Thru Fire

orange flame selective focus photography

“Some days, I feel everything at once. Other days, I feel nothing at all. I don’t know what’s worse, drowning beneath the waves, or dying from the thirst.”

– Unknown

Someone close to me recently had their first panic attack and described it as the most frightening experience of their life. Equating it to what a mental/emotional/physical heart attack might hypothetically feel like, it was evident that this person had been truly affected by this incident. And not in any positive way. This person, being aware of my “situation”, came to me to ask if I could remember my first panic attack and what it was like. I paused, struggled, and slowly accepted the realization that no, I could not remember my first panic attack.

I’ve grown accustomed to the panic attacks and the anxiety, just as I have the depression. It all runs together. Not to belabor the point, but this state of mind has become my normal. In fact, I probably wouldn’t know what to do without the highs and the lows and everything else under the sun. Isn’t it funny that the one thing in the world I would do anything to change is the one thing I would miss the most and be lost without? It’s a trap, one of God’s little jokes. And he’s the only one laughing.

I guess that’s kind of my point. For someone with bipolar disorder, learning to live with all of its manifestations and idiosyncrasies becomes an art form, and in the purest sense. I have weathered the storm long enough to not be “used to it” but be accustomed to the qualities you may see as a “hindrance” or a “disability”. It’s quite the opposite at times; bipolar disorder strips away all that you are until you are in your rawest form or mindset. From there, you simply learn to ride the wave because the waves don’t stop. They are forever, and all we can do is attempt to reach a moment of clarity and relief.

I’ve grown so used to being like this that I remain in a constant state of disillusionment. My naturally adopted cynicism never fails to make an appearance. I’m on a constant loop; I’m up, I’m down, I’m level. Up, down, level. By the time I actually do level out and can adopt some perspective, it’s time to get back on that rollercoaster and do it all over again. Never “sane” long enough to enact any real change.

So, anxiety and panic attacks are just par for the course for me. I remain suspended in a mess of pure hopelessness. The difference between us, though, is that I can manage. I can hang. I can hang and you can’t. It may sound like I’m bragging, but I assure you I am not. As it turns out I am not proud. If I didn’t approach this topic with a kind of conceited, bare bones attitude I would be a total mess, and no one needs that.

So, no. I do not remember my first panic attack. I am anxious to a debilitating point at least once a day anyway so you can’t hold it against me. It’s certainly not something I can apologize for. I live in a constant state of panic and anxiety. It’s not that it’s easy or that I’ve gotten used to it. It simply is what it is.

And They’re Coming to Take Me Away Now: A Rant

opened door

“When you are mad, mad like this, you don’t know it. Reality is what you see. When what you see shifts, departing from anyone else’s reality, it’s still reality to you.”

– Marya Hornbacher, Madness: A Bipolar Life

As someone with bipolar disorder, I have a lot of experience in feeling awkward or out of place because of my condition, when said condition is known. It’s nothing new, and although it never “gets easier” you learn to go along with it. Sometimes you got to get ahead of the charade before you become the charade.

That being said, I think it’s a well-known fact that there are major flaws in the modern American healthcare system, especially on the mental healthcare side. In a world where you’re supposed to feel accepted and are taught to “treat everyone blah, blah, blah”……even in a world where I’m taught that I’m no different because of my illness, I STILL have had to jump through hoops, still have had to play the game to just get by. I have been extremely fortunate for the most part, I must say. One instance (that ironically ended up happening on several more occasions), however, was centered around a time I was in just enough control to try and take the reins before something really bad happened.

I was about as manic as one can get without being totally “gone” yet was aware and knew I was going to end up in jail or worse at the rate I was going. It was a type of mania where the amount of clarity provided was too much; I was on the brink, and I knew it. It was like a bad trip, but without the total loss of one’s basic faculties. I was more aware of what was going on than I ever had been, and that was not necessarily a good thing.

So, before things got any worse, I called my psych doctor. I pleaded with her to get me into the short-term facility at the hospital where most of my medical treatment was based out of. She agreed that I was going to end up in jail at the rate of things, and would end up being involuntarily committed. So, this was my dilemma: I needed to become legally adjudicated to “need” a stay in a short-term facility. So, that meant I needed to engage in odd and/or criminal behavior – which was exactly what I was trying to avoid – just to get me a bed at the Mulberry Center.

It was then explained to me that hospitalizations of this repute were generally geared towards the “depressed” and those on that end of the spectrum. I was then told that if I wanted a bed, I knew what I had to do.

Yes. Yes, I guess I did, but I didn’t think that it would come to that. In the end, I was given the ultimatum of entry by being a “threat” to myself based on the level of my “depression”. That or go on my merry way.

So, out of fear for myself and those closest to me, I feigned having “suicidal ideations” due to “depression” – the only way I could get the help I needed (or at least to get away from the general public).

I came out seven days later (this particular go-around, that is) with a stack of color sheets and lists of coping skills and positive affirmations. I was no longer dangerously manic, but only because of yet another med change.

This is just one instance where bipolar disorder has made me feel like an outsider (even in a clinical setting where I was supposed to be receiving treatment, I was an outsider). The whole of it is just a microcosm of a bigger issue. Just another crack in the healthcare system that I, as a member of the “bipolar community”, so depend on.

Meditation: Could it Work for Me?

man in black shorts sitting on floor

“You’re distracted and stressed because you’re not mindful. But the statement should be in reverse – you’re not mindful because you’re distracted and stressed.”

– Unknown

I’ve never had much luck with using or finding any coping skills that work. To me, they’ve always been akin to bullet points on a piece of paper given out at AA meetings or therapy sessions. They just have never been helpful to me and so I keep my distance.

Though I’ve never found any of the generic “coping skills” to work for me, I have noticed that meditation seems to be on every list.

Just another bullet point: mediation.

For all intents and purposes, to meditate, according to Oxford Dictionaries, is to “think deeply or focus one’s mind for a period of time, in silence or with the aid of chanting, for religious or spiritual purposes or as a method of relaxation”. Well, I’m here to tell ya that I’m just not hardwired for something like that, although there is a known direct connection between meditation and bipolar disorder.

Meditation is known to provide a sense of calm, peace, and balance. It can also help carry you more calmly through your day and may help you manage symptoms of certain medical conditions.

There are many different kinds of meditation, usually all focusing on areas such as posture, breathing, attention, and relaxation

To me, meditation actually seems…daunting. Like a task or something you really dread but have no choice in doing – except you do. I just don’t know that I have the capacity to slow my brain down enough to even an begin to try to meditate.

However, more than 60% of the top health problems for which people use meditation are stress, anxiety, and depression.

It only takes a little research (and some common sense) to discover and understand the benefits of meditation.

Some of these benefits include:

  • Gaining a new perspective on stressful situations
  • Building skills to manage your stress
  • Increasing self-awareness
  • Focusing on the present
  • Reducing negative emotions
  • Increasing imagination and creativity
  • Increasing patience and tolerance

That sounds good and all but, come on. Give me a break.

I must stress to everyone reading this that I am in no way dogging or downplaying meditation as a coping strategy, ideology, or practice if it works for you. I’m not saying it doesn’t work for people. Not at all. It just hasn’t worked for me.

It’s true, though, that meditation isn’t for everyone. There is some research that found that more than a quarter of those who regularly meditate have had a “particularly unpleasant” psychological experience while doing so, including feelings of fear and distorted emotions.

The study found that psychologically unpleasant experiences can occur during meditation. Even some traditional Buddhist texts allude to intense accounts of similar experiences.

A similar study found meditation can sometimes make people more neurotic, depressed, anxious, and can even trigger unresolved trauma.

For those who can’t properly meditate (myself included), there are a variety of reasons why including:

  • Racing mind
  • No consistency
  • Wandering minds
  • Keep falling asleep
  • Body aches and pains
  • Boredom
  • Having great ideas or thinking of important things
  • Trouble finding time
  • Expectations set too high
  • Hope of immediate results

There are, however, different methods for those who traditional meditation doesn’t work. Experimenting with personal variations, practicing in a different or a group setting, and keeping your mediations short are just a few of these ways.

Maybe I’m jealous to some extent because it sounds like an awesome concept, at least in theory; it may be difficult and frustrating in ways I haven’t even considered. In the end, you have to go with what works for you. You have to go with your gut.

For me, it’s not something I find any relief in but have not given up on. I’d like to be able to meditate; out of all the coping skills I know of meditation is the most appealing and seemingly reasonable to me. Maybe I’m just fascinated by the idea of it. I hope to one day be able to put the idea into practice and benefit from it. The science is there. Now I just got to catch up.

OPINION: Mental Health & the Divine? (Just a Pitch)

A look into Mental Health & Spirituality

silhouette image of person praying

“Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean it isn’t so.”

– Lemony Snicket

A newly released study is tying people’s religious uncertainty and lack of faith in the divine to poor mental and psychological well-being.

This study, entitled Attachment to God and Psychological Distress: Evidence of a Curvilinear Relationship, was conducted by Matthew Henderson and Blake Kent. The conclusion came about based on a national survey’s worth of data from the 2010 Baylor Religion Survey.

Henderson, an assistant professor at Union University, spoke out about his perception of the end results of the study.

“A lot of research has been able to demonstrate that religious practices, like prayer and religious service attendance, can have positive effects on mental and physical health,” he said.

According to Henderson and Kent, the study confirms that people with a strong connection to God will have a significantly better psychological well-being.

Kent, an assistant professor at Westmont College, said the amount of literature tying both religion and health together is immense and is only growing.

“Attachment to God has emerged as one of the most significant, powerful influences of mental health and oftentimes more important than actual religious attendance,” he said.

It’s an interesting case to make, but one that makes sense.

Kind of.

Having just the minimal knowledge I have of the study and its findings doesn’t take away from the strength of the research. I don’t think it’s too far out of left field to see a correlation between the two. Having pure blind faith in something may seem silly to some but can offer many a sense of purpose and discipline that may have a very powerful effect on their mental and psychological well-being.

People turn to religion for all sorts of different reasons, but the reason ultimately doesn’t matter and has no negative bearing on a person’s choices. In fact, it has quite the opposite effect. So, it makes sense that having a strong faith in God (ANY God or entity) could impact both one’s spiritual and psychological happiness.

I remember asking my grandma when I was a kid what would happen if she were a “true” Christian and had been praying to the wrong God this whole time. What would happen then? Would she be damned? But her response sort of summed up, in a similar regard at least, this study’s conclusions. She told me that even on the off-chance I was right with my concern that “living by the Lord and his positive message” is still the best way to live one’s life. I thought of her and that specific instance when going through some of the research that went into this study. The positivity that can surround one’s faith and belief systems can be infectious and inspiring. So, to me it makes perfect sense that there may be a scientific connection between one’s faith and mental health.

I, however, would like to point out that I do not believe it has to necessarily be a Christian God. I think any higher power will do. So, knock yourselves out, guys.

The study does have legs and can stand on its own. So much so that two social work professors at Baylor University have received a $843,647 grant from the University of South Alabama to study faculty views regarding training students to address a patient’s spirituality in mental health treatment.

Dr. Holly Oxhandler and Dr. Clay Polson are researching this as part of four sub-projects of the university’s Spiritual and Religious Competencies Project, which aims to provide mental health professionals with the basic abilities to focus on religious and spiritual qualities in their patients’ lives.

“What we see in the research is that when clients’ religion or spirituality is ethically and effectively integrated into mental health treatment – meaning the mental health care provider assessing for this area of their lives and asking them how it relates to their mental health care or circumstances or situations, how they’re leaning on it to cope or maybe ways in which it’s been a source of pain for them in the past,” Oxhandler said.

If an uncertainty in God/Gods or a shakiness in one’s faith can have such a negative impact on one’s psychological well-being, why hasn’t someone made the connection before now? Oxhandler and Polson both feel the role of religion in one’s mental health treatment hasn’t always been addressed due to the lack of research surrounding the topic.

“Without this level of funding, I think even envisioning a project this comprehensive would be challenging,” Polson said. “This makes it possible for us to do such a large project, looking at all the disciplines.”

Both professors say the final goal of the project is to be able to help mental health professionals realize the need to integrate religion and spirituality with mental health treatment.

“We want awareness, but ultimately, the goal is to see more comfort, to see practitioners using their skills and knowledge to do this better,” Polson said.

Being aware of the power of one’s faith and beliefs may have a bigger impact on your health than you could have ever imagined. The results aren’t completely in, but they look good. Mostly. If the effects of the uncertainty of a higher power have proven to be negative and damaging to one’s mental state, it makes perfect sense. Blind faith can lay the bedrock down for a clearer and more constructive personal core. In fact, a strong faith in a higher power may very well be your best bet when trying to maintain a stable and positive psychological well-being.

a day in the life: one day at a time

red flower near white flower during daytime

“There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”

– Leonard Cohen

As I write this early Tuesday morning, I can in good faith look back and reflect on how good yesterday was. Not that I can sit here all “woe is me” like I never have good days, but yesterday felt like a fresh start.

First off, work is picking back up as the warmer weather is (maybe) finally starting to settle in. I work for both a lawncare and a construction company. Yards will need to be mowed; houses will need to be built or repaired. Things are about to pick up and get busy. It’ll be mornings of rushing to get the kids shipped out to whoever is watching them on that day by 6 am. It’ll be the “get-up-and-go” this household really needs.

On another note, I had my second ketamine treatment last night and the relief was immediate. No, there was no “high” or “buzz”, as I’m often asked. It takes a few minutes to wake up and come to after the infusion, but there is nothing other than that if you’re someone trying to chase the dragon. I just felt all of the stress go away. I’m less tense and uptight, and I can even handle some of my OCD/superstitions that could laughably be debilitating. But that in and of itself is proof there is something to this ketamine regimen.

I am thankful for my family and am slowly starting to realize to not push them away. I’m learning how personally devastating it is to be bitter and to hold onto those little feelings every day. Let it go. I have an amazing wife and three beautiful sons that need me. And they need me to be me, not the person I have been and will still (unfortunately) become at times.

But even after writing that last sentence I still can find some level positivity in the situation, if only by not dwelling on the issue. That is new for me. My usual moody attitude would’ve normally kicked into full gear, and I would’ve ended up dead or in jail.

It’s nice to be able to reflect in a positive sense, not having to worry about getting fixated on a topic that concerns me in no way. That’s an intense state of mind and I’m happy for the relief. At this point in time, I’ll take whatever I can get.

Just remember when you wake up every morning to find or think of a few positive things right off the bat. Easier said than done, right? But it can be done. I’m doing it as I’m typing these words right now. If I didn’t know better, I would think I’m in the beginning stages of a cycle. Fortunately, I am not on any drugs, and I am lucid and have been for some time now. So that’s a nice feeling, too.

Well, it’s early and it’s about time for work (don’t you know there are yards to be mowed and houses to be built?). I just wanted to check in and remind anyone who needed reminding that, even through the madness, there is light. You may have to look a little bit harder some times, but it’s always there.

Happy Tuesday everyone!

On the Fear of Death, Dying, & Drowning

close up photography of concrete tombstones

“Death is as natural as life. It’s part of the deal we made.”

– Mitch Albom

It’s a subject as old as time, and a personal dilemma everyone experiences at some point in their lives: the fear of death and dying.

It would almost be negligent to let on that I’ve never fixated on the thought of dying and, of course, what’s to come after.

I’m not of the belief in a “Christian God” or a “White Jesus”…but on the same token I’m terrified of going to hell. It doesn’t make any sense, I know. But it’s true.

I’m not scared to die, though. I think I’d die for anybody. I would just want it to be quick, painless (who wouldn’t, right?). Don’t get me wrong. I in no way want to die, but you have to accept dying as a part of life or you’ll get too hung up on it, and that can be dangerous.

I get hung up on a specific fear of dying: drowning. I’m outright terrified of water…yet it never stops me from getting in; I’ve been in pools, ponds, lakes, and two oceans. But the entire time I am I’m in a state of anxiety and fear like no other. I hate water. I’d rather burn alive than spend my last moments in that type of fear accompanied with drowning.

The fear of drowning is called aquaphobia. In fact, aquaphobia is the irrational fear of drowning. I would say, partly because of my “condition”, most of my fears are totally irrational. For instance, I have to have the volume on the TV on an even number. I know it’s insane, but it’s a true fear. I honestly believe your shooting dice with the Devil if you have your TV volume on an odd number. I’m as neurotic as they come.

Fears can either teach or they can torture. They say you have to “face your fears” to conquer them. Most people try to avoid them completely so as to not have to even bother with the thought of it. I mean, how can the fear of death and dying be conquered? At best, it can only be accepted.

The fear of the possibility. That is a true fear I suffer from, and it can be debilitating. The anxiety that comes with just the possibility of something bad is phenomenal, except not in a good way.

The fear of death and dying is definitely a rational fear. It’s the fear of the unknown. The fear of what you have to leave behind. It’s rational, I just “handle” it irrationally.

I’ve decided to avoid the time spent on thinking about death by just never dying. I never want to die so that’s the plan. It may be irrational, but whatever gets me through the night, right?

But am I scared of dying? I don’t WANT to die, of course. but it is a part of life. And I have accepted that.

I agree the idea of not dying may not be a good plan, but it’s all I got (If I didn’t laugh all I would do is cry). We’re all going to die. And I’d like to believe we just drift off into the stratosphere, but as a nihilist, I honestly believe that after we die it’s all just black, an eternal void.

If I’m wrong, I just hope that when I die I make it to hell before the Devil knows I’m dead.

a day in the life: oh, sweet depression

“Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”

– Stephen Fry

It’s been one of those days, and if it’s anything like the last half of yesterday then you can count me out.

It’s just one of those days.

I’d rather be down than manic, though. The mania can be dangerous and is exhausting on a whole other level. I in no way benefit from the mania anymore.

It’s strange because March/April is when I usually cycle and experience my mania. So, to be “depressed” or just down is unexpected and, to be honest, seemingly out there in left field.

Even my dreams lately (and I rarely remember my dreams) seem to be a place of ruin where nothing comes together, and sleep becomes a place of complete dissolution. This endless cycle is a prison, and also the only home I’ve ever known.

I have adjusted and adapted to this idea of “normalcy” rather well, but even that is not enough. In the end, it’s all just a matter of timing. Just got to wait for things to catch up.

When depressed, every day winds down to the same thing, the same occurrences, the same happenings, the same void that I go through on repeat. It returns with an almost obligatory vengeance.

My brain beats to a drum, it doesn’t tick to a clock. Still, I’ll remain on this eternal schedule of Hell. And they wonder why I don’t speak of God.

Blame it all on temperament, personality, or a chemical imbalance. In the end, it still falls back on me.

And Don’t Go Out Smiling: A Poem

And don’t go out smiling –

In the reverie of death’s sweet delivery,

a smile would only cloud

and be monstrous.

A vagrant would, but you?

The romance in dying

is like the alcoholic’s valor,

the vine in the wine,

the poison of being intoxicated

I won’t, but I want

Dying:

Body releases soul emissions,

spirit forms, falls,

and encountered are magnitudes of cosmic growth

only attainable in the rays of death

But don’t go out smiling,

stifle your grins and be beckoned by the angel’s smile

Let them, but not us,

oh no

Smile not

and leave this world in great Trumpet Death

H. Town: A Poem

If these city blocks could talk, would you hear the hollow echo

of my soul’s soles,

edging around the lonely buildings,

thru the twisted and deformed night?

The streetlamp spotlight,

and a little slice of neon –

pierced atmosphere.

The slanted, pale red brick,

now crumbling and blackened by fire.

The stiff, blue mechanics of alleyway night,

crooked neighborhoods, dividing tracks, and road.

Masked by the golden Sunday sunlight,

this town is as pure of an example as anything,

Nature,

and rough.

Superficial, sing-song birds pilfer thru car washes,

and seek salvation on power lines and in other bird-way terminals

The halls, shops, liquor stores, institutions etc.

all have twisted paths that lead to

One.

The hills have eyes

but so do the streets,

with their piercing stop lights, headlights,

bright lights, night lights –

This town stabs my soul with the pitiful remembrance of a strangled youth

Bipolar Disorder in the Workplace

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

– Winston Churchill

I would say I can’t be the only one with bipolar disorder who knows how well this disorder operates under the pressures of a job and in the workplace, but I already know that I’m not; it’s a topic that is often used when writing about bipolar disorder. It may seem like a tired beat, and I certainly do not have anything new to add to the conversation. My experiences are not uncommon or unique. They are just mine. But I’m assuming you already know that if you’re here reading this.

It’s easier said than done, but the words in the above quote are definitely words to live by if you suffer from the madness that is bipolar disorder. I feel this ideology is especially important to keep in mind when bipolar and on the job.

It’s not like you have a choice and it can’t be described as laziness, but on a baseline level that’s how it’s interpreted. What’s not misinterpreted, however, is when the “typical” or “normal” person needs a mental health day and it’s okay, but when a person with a mental illness needs one…well, you know.

If I sound bitter, maybe I am. All in all, though, I can’t totally blame the illness for some of my past excursions in the work force. I have to take some responsibility. That makes it hard, too: to not be able to control the decision-making process yet feel bad for how that lack of control comes across and affects those around you.

It’s especially difficult in the workplace. When it’s fine, it’s fine. But when it’s not, it can feel like the whole world is closing in on you.

Let me give you an example.

I have a degree in journalism and worked in the field for several years. I was a digital content producer for a television news station at one point. Not my dream job, but you have to start somewhere, right?

I signed a two-year contract with the station and worked diligently and on task for nearly that whole two-year period. Until two weeks before my contract was up when I told my boss I didn’t want to renew. Impulsive? Yeah, sure. But it gets better.

One week before my contract was up, I just stopped showing up. I just quit going in. I turned off the cellphone the station had provided and just cut all ties with all of my co-workers. And that was that. Five years later, I still haven’t sent that phone back.

But that’s the way it goes with me. I’m good for about two years and then I seem to sabotage myself, either because of a level of intense, paranoid anxiety, or just because of an unexpected loss of interest.

According to one survey, more than 88% of people with bipolar disorder say their condition has affected their work performance. About 58% of those people quit working outside the home altogether. This is due in part to the extreme shifts in mood, sleep, energy, and overall ability to function.

THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND WHEN LOOKING FOR A JOB:

  • interests
  • strengths and abilities
  • skills
  • personality traits
  • values
  • physical health
  • limits, triggers, and barriers

According to statistics, the absentee rate for employees with bipolar disorder is 18.9 workdays per year, while those without the disorder miss on average 7.4 workdays.

Stats are always daunting when it comes to mental illness, but they speak for themselves. I never wanted to be a statistic, even though I know, in many ways, I very much am. I don’t think I would be sitting here writing this right now if I wasn’t.

Like I said, however, my experiences in the workplace are not uncommon or unique. The fluctuation between sheer productivity and total incompetence (for lack of a better word) can be devastating in their extremes. So, one day you could be on top of your game and the next you may be on the chopping block.

It’s not all bad, though. I have been working since I was 16 and I’ve had more positive experiences on the job than not. Out of my 16 years of work history, I’d say 95% of it has been positive and productive. It’s that other 5% that’s the killer, though.

On a more positive note, there are some studies that suggest working can be very beneficial to people with bipolar disorder, offering a sense of structure and increased confidence.

It’s not easy to find and keep work with a mental illness that aggravates your day-to-day ability to function. However, with a little extra work it is possible to find a satisfying, yet manageable job.

Sex, Drugs, and Stupidity: My Manic Self

“[ ] manic sex isn’t really intercourse. It’s discourse, just another way to ease the insatiable need for contact and communication. In place of words, I simply spoke with my skin.”

– Terri Cheney, Manic: A Memoir

It’s cliche, yes, but nonetheless it comes with the territory. Part metaphors, part exaggeration, “sex, drugs, and mania” pretty much sums up my personal experience with the dangerous and unpredictable nature of the madness.

I hate bullet points, but the symptoms and decision-making skills associated with mania, my mania, are about as textbook as it comes. Everyone is different, though, so mania can manifest itself in different ways for different people. No matter, the madness is still there.

For the sake of not hearing me ramble on about personal experiences I’m simply just going to hit on some points.

Symptoms of Mania

  • Abnormally upbeat, jumpy or wired – Check
  • Increased activity, energy or agitation – Check
  • Exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoria) – Check
  • Decreased need for sleep – Check
  • Unusual talkativeness – Check
  • Racing thoughts – Check
  • Distractibility – Check
  • Poor decision-making — for example, going on buying sprees, taking sexual risks or making foolish investments – Check

Check and mate, right?

I’m usually one of the first people who can tell I’m manic or on my way to being so, but I’m never the first person to mention it, which in a way makes it worse. It’s my fault, though, especially in the instances when I’m aware and can still acknowledge the onset of the mania. In a way, it’s like I’m waiting for some validation or something. I go from being curious as to what other people’s reaction to my behavior will be, to being embarrassed and ashamed when finally acknowledged. It’s a stupid, vicious cycle that’s on a constant loop. In moments of clarity, I can reflect and be aware of my condition and behaviors that I plan on avoiding in the future. Then, BAM! Back in the bipolar saddle again.

Whether depressed or manic, it always comes back. I can handle the depression, but the mania can take on a life of its own. And I’m far too old to worry about that.

But the bullet points are spot on. I need very little to no sleep. I’m outgoing at times, but I really step it up when manic. I would blow money like it was going out of style. And on stupid things. If it wasn’t on drugs or alcohol, it was on something equally unnecessary. I engaged in extreme risk-taking behavior (in many ways) and had no ability to see things in a rational, coherent sense. I become delusional, thinking I’m on the verge of a brilliant and great discovery or project. Other than not being able to control your emotions and mood that’s the worst for me. “Coming to” and becoming aware of how delusional I was. You believe it in the moment and then later wonder what the hell you were thinking.

I also get fixated on things. I get stuck on something while at the same time have no control of how fast my brain is moving. Cycling or not, I don’t have the ability to slow my brain down. And it can make everyday life just a little bit harder. At times, it can be totally debilitating.

It’s March and I’m a little perky (right on schedule), but I’m confident in my medication regimen. It’s worked well for quite some time, so I feel confident the mania may be lighter than usual or stifled to a certain degree.

March and April (springtime in general) are my bigtime months for the “sex, drugs, and stupidity” I can embody. However, having recently been diagnosed with a type of rapid cycling bipolar disorder I’m kind of used to the back and forth. It’s noticeable and, for my wife especially, can be very overwhelming and just too much at times. I can be over the top for a week or two and then be depressed for a week and then come back around to “normal”. Cycle continues in that sense. Wash, rinse, and repeat.

But I guess we’ll see. Hope the medication I’m on causes a subside to the symptoms.

I’ll keep you posted.

When the Music’s Over, Turn Out the Lights

“The only truth is music.”

– Jack Kerouac

As a musician and just as a human being on a very basic level, music is a key part of my every day. I’m making no correlation between the madness and the necessity of music in one’s life, it’s just a fact: music is a key part of my life.

King of and fellow nihilist Friedrich Nietzsche said, “Without music, life would be a mistake.” Is this just another extreme observation made by the philosopher? Should we just take it with a poetic grain of salt? I don’t know. I don’t know if life would be a mistake without music, but I do know I don’t want to find out.

For me, music is an escape. I have found, compared to my wife and other peers, that I am one of the only people I know who devours and rates an album by an artist as a whole. A lot of people hit up the radio hits and go from there (I still can’t listen to Dylan’s Blonde on Blonde without starting from the bombastic beginning and plowing through all the way to the end. Every time.).

I have to say the way we ingest our music and media plays a role in the output we get. Artists and, more importantly, record labels know that all an “album” needs is a couple Top 40 hits. The rest can be filler because it’s the singles that’s going to sell the record. So, it’s a known and very-well practiced formula (unless you’re Billie Eilish and then all rules are thrown out the window).

So, what kind of music do I like?

Well, I of course have already mentioned Bob Dylan. There is a string of albums the man released back-to-back over just a few years in the 1960s that reach an almost impossible state of perfection.

I am more a predominately rock n’ roll guy but have found numerous albums and other styles of music that I add to the spectrum. For instance, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill is definitely outside of my wheelhouse, but I honestly think it may be the last perfect album ever made. Now that’s an extreme opinion, but mine, nonetheless. With a list of “Favorite Albums” heavily clouded with Dylan, Beatles, and Rolling Stones records, the fact Lauryn Hill’s debut album cracks my Top 5 is saying a lot.

As both a musician and a fan, I have devoured The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, The Doors, The Velvet Underground, etc. But still, some of my favorite albums fall outside the main party line.

Both Sufjan Stevens Illinois and Seven Swans are in my “Top Favorite Albums”. Stevens has been a folky/electronic music hero for some time, and deservedly so.

Yes, I seek out the “album’s” album. I think the Rolling Stones Exile On Main St. is perhaps THE best rock n’ roll album ever made. The raw grit of the songs, the songwriting process, and the album’s creation says it all. Check it out. You won’t be disappointed.

The White Album by the Beatles is definitely up there with Exile. It’s a perfect collection of songs, and a perfect representation of how the band was working together at the time (not well). That being said, John Lennon is a personal hero of mine and I think he’s responsible for some of the best songs and albums of the 1960s and 1970s. And, yes, I’ll take Lennon over McCartney any day of the week (Shit, I’ll even take Ringo over McCartney.).

I’m admittedly bias as hell when it comes to this next one…but The Strokes have yet to release a bad album. Just saying.

In an attempt to wrap things up, let me pause to reflect. I remember one of my grandmother’s telling me at age 13 that my interest in the 90s “grunge” movement would make me “depressed” because those artists sang about drugs and suicide. So, to prove a point, I played Roadhouse Blues by The Doors (another one of my favorite bands). Her response was immediate and positive. “Yeah! Now this is a lot better! Listen to that beat!” I guess it didn’t matter that the song is a declaration of living in the moment in as raw and simple of a way as possible (“I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer/the future’s uncertain and the end is always near”). From that moment on anyone else’s perception of my musical tastes mattered not.

So, all in all, music is a release and an appreciation process necessary for me to function. I’ve always said I’d rather go blind than be deaf, as I couldn’t live without being able to listen to or play music.

Hell, maybe Nietzsche was only half right: Life without music isn’t just a mistake, it’s an impossibility and an unnecessary evil that should be asked or expected of no one.

TOP 5 FAVORITE ALBUMS (As of this writing and in no particular order)

  • The White Album- The Beatles
  • Exile On Main St. – The Rolling Stones
  • Nevermind – Nirvana
  • Astral Weeks – Van Morrison
  • The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill – Lauryn Hill

a day in the life: manic monday

“If I can’t feel, if I can’t move, if I can’t think, and I can’t care, then what conceivable point is there in living?”

– Kay Redfield Jamison

It’s been a pretty “blah” week on my end of things, personally and professionally that is. My wife has been sick, so I’ve tried to pick up some extra slack around the house while also having two young boys (5 and 7 months) to wrangle. It’s no one’s fault, but it left very little time for creativity to exist in any sense, blog-related or no.

I come here as a “blogger” to decompress in a very matter-of-fact sense, as well as to offer knowledge of my circumstances and experiences and how it relates to this illness. I don’t know if I benefit from it any more than anyone else, but it sure can make me feel better at times.

The past week has been one of what I call “stifled mania” (medicated mania), where the unwarranted energetic part of things has been there, but common sense has somehow miraculously prevailed.

Until now.

We’re coming to the close of the first full week of March, and it was not only expected but planned for. However, it feels a little bit different than usual this go-around. Perhaps it’s just psychosomatic, or because I’m on a different medication regimen than last spring. I don’t know. But I feel not only more aware, but also in more control. This latter observation could very well be a part of the delusions that can be expected to come in the next few days or weeks. But it’s a different form of mania and, I’ll be honest, I’m not a big fan.

We’ve still got time, though. By this time next month I may be crashing the walls and bouncing off the ceilings. I sure hope not, but only depending on what the alternative may be. And I hope it’s not this.

But I mainly wanted to check in. I’ll be back a little later this week if not with anything but an update on this strange state of boring mania.

Happy Monday.

Old Age, or Something Like It

“Some people with memory loss really need to start writing down the stuff.”

– Anonymous

You know that expression “You don’t know what you got until it’s gone”? Well, boy, is it true! And applicable to damn near ANYTHING!

If the name of this blog (and literally all of my previous posts) didn’t give it away, it probably is no secret that I suffer from bipolar disorder. Not meaning (or attempting) to be funny, it’s a topic us mad ones have to laugh at or else we’d spend all day crying. Or worse.

There are many negative aspects to being bipolar. Believe me, I know. At the same time, I also feel (sometimes) that there are some good aspects of suffering from the illness. They’re not always obvious, but they are there.

But does the good outweigh the bad? Or is it the other way around? Ask me tomorrow and I’ll tell you something different.

“The older I get” has become a new, oft-used phrase of mine, almost a sad mantra of some sort. But over the last year alone I’ve experienced such a cognitive decline it’s more than noticeable. If only by me.

This is one of those instances where the good doesn’t outweigh the bad. There’s no other way to spin it, and it’s scary.

As someone famous once labeled themselves as being “well under the 30”, I cannot….but only by a little bit (the elders of the tribe would scoff if they knew my real age). Which makes it scarier! I shouldn’t be dealing with these types of things this early in life. Or so you might think.

I don’t mean to sound abrasive or whatnot, but it’s been a problem that scared me enough to keep it a secret. Until I couldn’t.

Before the forgetfulness got severe enough to scare me, I started having problems with basic motor skills. Just loss of coordination and perception. This went on for a couple of months before I got “busted” by my wife. After a few times of falling and losing balance one day, the jig was up.

It was strange having to discuss the issue like I had been hiding an affair or something equally dreadful. Of course, my wife wasn’t too happy and it actually kickstarted my deep personal fear of the problem. I was slipping, it felt like. You can take a hand. Hell, you can take the whole damn arm. Just don’t take my mind.

I then started forgetting what I was talking about mid-sentence. I’d forget the whole conversation, the whole subject even. I would get so embarrassed when this would happen with anyone other than my wife that I could almost cry. And sometimes I did. It’s like walking into a room and forgetting why. Except now I was forgetting to even walk into the room. It’s a metaphor, but accurate nonetheless.

I of course went to the doctor and got in with a neurologist. I’ve had at least three MRI’s, one suggesting there were two spots of white matter in my corona radiata and another suggesting there was no white matter at all. Things have been ruled out, just not ruled on.

I’m to have an even more extensive MRI done to hopefully determine something. It’s weird to want to know something is wrong rather than experience this type of loss and there be no cause to its effect.

Fortunately, upon doing some research, I’ve learned that bipolar disorder takes a toll on the ol’ brain. That’s what it is. Has to be. I’d almost bet the farm on it. Especially when it comes to loss of coordination and the cognitive decline.

Now this isn’t an everyday hindrance; 95% of the time I’m fine. Bipolar still, but fine. It’s the other five percent that’s troubling.

I can’t sit around and count the days until I’ve totally lost myself, though. But I’m still not excited about it. And maybe I won’t have to deal with it on a real serious level, but it’s the type of decline that’s been real gradual. Thankfully (knock on wood) I have not had any serious or even real noticeable “moments” in the last month or so. But it comes and goes. Which makes it even scarier.

I go back to the neurologist in April, and I don’t expect there to be any more of an answer than there was a few months ago. I’m not being negative, just reacting to what I’ve learned about this from the doctors so far: not much.

I’ll wrap this up before it turns into even more of a whiny, “woe is me” type of post, which was not my intention. But if I ever seem absent, and to a fault, fear not. I probably just forgot to remember it was blog day.

Again, us mad ones have to laugh or else we’d go crazy.

In Through The Out Door

“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.”

– C.S. Lewis

I have recently (and finally) set out to work on a “bigger project” I’ve imagined for some time now. I’ve only just gotten to the point in attempting to pursue this particular endeavor after both exhaustive research and personal experience.

My blog is very much centered around how bipolar disorder has impacted my life. I myself have to take a more critical, fact-based approach when viewing and interpreting the intricacies of this illness. I have to understand on a very black-and-white level what this journey entails for me.

But knowing facts and statistics doesn’t make one understand what “the beast” is or how it likes to feed. I’ve needed to step outside the box to get a different grasp on things for some time.

In order for me to make the leap to this new “project” I needed to at least try and see things from a different perspective. Unfortunately, it’s the perspective that so plagues and saddens me. So, I decided to speak with ten different “normal” people from various backgrounds to get a better sense of at least why people feel the way they do about the disorder. Whichever way that may be.

I initially went into this task asking why before even asking any real basic questions. It only cast a huge spotlight on my own personal bias. And perhaps just a little bitterness. But that’s for me to bear.

I haven’t the time to share all ten people’s views here or even list all the questions I asked. I thought I would share a few, though. I didn’t get all the answers I wanted, but the process helped me pack up some of my confusion and maybe created a little window of understanding.

WHAT IS BIPOLAR DISORDER AS YOU UNDERSTAND IT?

FEMALE, 52: “It’s a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be treated with medication. It can be difficult to find the correct medication or combination of medications to help. This medication may need to be changed over time due to changes in the body with age and becoming resistant to meds. It becomes very important to stick to your med schedule. See a doctor before making any changes. Don’t make any changes on your own.”

FEMALE, 26: “Bipolar disorder is a mental disorder accompanied by periods of mania and depression. People with bipolar disorder cycle through ups and downs. It can be a very dangerous illness if not treated properly.”

MALE, 30: “It’s a disorder that usually rears at its peak in your 20s. Opposed to an intellectual disability that is diagnosed only before the age of 17. It usually hits women earlier in the 20s rather than men. There’s no cure but there are medications that can manage the signs and symptoms of the disorder.”

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE STIGMA?

FEMALE, 52: “It can be scary because you don’t know what might happen especially if they are cycling and if one is not seeking treatment. It is portrayed in a negative way. I think it’s important for them to get treatment and try to stay well. Try not to draw attention to oneself and don’t forecast your information. People need to be shown as everyday people living their everyday lives.”

MALE, 44: “It’s sad that such stigma does surround mental health and it’s not right. Many people choose to not understand and hide behind that in order to not have to deal with the truth. The truth is real and can be scary, but it’s still the truth. In a world that has become so “diverse” and “accepting it’s amazing to me how we haven’t at least come a little bit further along when it comes to mental health.

MALE, 30: “It’s hard for me to say. I’ve worked around several individuals with bipolar disorder so the way I see it is pretty objective. I think more people today understand that it’s an actual medical condition that needs to be managed just like a condition that is superficial.”

FEMALE, 34: “It must be pretty scary and daunting for someone with bipolar disorder to have to face that kind of scrutiny. But you have to understand it can be scary to someone on the outside who doesn’t understand the illness the way someone with it would. Most people don’t know what to do because you never know how a person with bipolar disorder is going to react.”

HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO INTERACT WITH SOMEONE WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER DURING A CYCLE?

FEMALE, 52: “I haven’t personally, but I know it can be a handful at times. The person with the disorder isn’t always in control and you may never know how they’re going to react to anything. This is when they’re going through their cycles. It’s not always the case.”

MALE, 44: “I have friends with bipolar disorder. One of my best friends suffers from BD and you know what? He manages his symptoms and cycles and leads a very productive life. There’s always going to be the ups and downs, but they can be managed with the proper protocol and treatment plan. So to answer your question…yes, I do have people with bipolar disorder in my life and they’re all wonderful people.”

MALE, 30: “In my profession I work with people with mental health issues and they are people, too. Just like you and me. They just have to work a little bit harder than others to maintain a balance. They’re is nothing wrong with bipolar people. You may know someone who has it and not know at all.”

Well, I could keep going, but I’ve worn myself down just transcribing the few questions and answers above. (Maybe I’ll come back with a Part II and include some more). I’m truly exhausted and even maybe a little more saddened by some of the conversations I had.

The stigma shouldn’t be considered stereotypical of the illness when it stems from either an honest inability to understand or sheer ignorance, one more excusable than the next.

The point is the exercise helped me kick down the door to begin this project. After researching, blogging, and sharing my experiences I just had that moment I needed. And I hope to be able to share more on this project with all of you soon.

So, if it seems like I’m a little absent or even M.I.A. when it comes to this blog, don’t worry. I’m just out here trying to change the world.

Chaos: The Downside to the Downward Spiral

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

– Haruki Murakami

I’m not entirely sure what the actual verbatim textbook definition of the word “chaos” is, but I know for me it can only be described as a constant state of mental confusion and disorganization that leaves me in a place of total loss.

In continuing this phase of “productive self-reflection” (at least while I can), I have to look at that word and take it seriously. It’s thrown around a lot, yes, but definitely not loosely. Chaos is exactly what it is.

To me, chaos is a much worse feeling or place to be in than that of depression or sheer mania. Chaos may be a sort of offshoot of depression and mania (or vice versa), but there is a very specific difference that doesn’t allow these feelings the wherewithal to be blurred or misconstrued.

Experiencing chaos during a cycle is a given guaranteed (I mean, duh), but that doesn’t ever make it any easier to deal with or handle. The inner chaos that accompanies a bout of depression and/or mania is blindly debilitating. Between the disorganization and the delusions, there’s nothing worse than being hyper aware that you’re totally lost. It’s an uncomfortable feeling at best.

My chaos is all encompassing, surrounding and infiltrating every little nuance in my head. It is both the storm and the aftermath.

For the sake of not sounding pretentious, perhaps self-reflection isn’t the best tool for me.

Just going to enjoy the downtime.