Category Archives: non-fiction

Smells Like Mental Health Awareness Month

“The experience I have had is that once you start talking about experiencing a mental health struggle, you realize that actually you’re part of a quite a big club.”

– Prince Harry

The guitar Kurt Cobain played/used in the video for “Smells Like Teen Spirit” just sold at auction for $4,500,000.00, about $4,000,000.00 more than expected, by Colts owner Jim Isray. That places it as the fourth most expensive piece of “known” music memorabilia ever (Kurt also takes the top spot for his guitar from the MTV Unplugged show, which sold for more than $8,000,000.00 at auction).

When I heard about this auction a month or so ago, I was kind of like “yeah, yeah, yeah, someone needs money”. The guitar had been on display somewhere for quite a while before the announcement, so I thought hey, let’s let it be.

It was expected to sell between $400,00.00 and $600,00.00. It far exceeded that goal, I’d say.

But I just recently found out that the guitar was auctioned in honor of May being Mental Health Awareness Month. Not only that, but a huge portion of the money also goes to an organization ran by the Colts and the Isray family called Kicking The Stigma, which gives away grants to Indiana-based mental health programs.

Isray even spoke on the guitar’s important place.

“This guitar is big, and it relates so much to stigma,” he said. “When you have mental illness, people die. These are fatal diseases — bipolar, schizophrenia, post-partem depression, alcoholic addictions. With fatal diseases, people die, and they don’t choose to die. … Those of us who are alive, we’re not stronger or better. We didn’t get our act together more. We didn’t have more character. That’s where it’s so false.”

Whatever his motives may be, I don’t care. I appreciate the gesture, even if that’s all it is.

I don’t think Kurt Cobain would have been too ecstatic about two of his guitars selling for more than $12,000,000.00. I could understand how that would seem unreasonable or outright insane to a person. But I do think he would definitely approve of some of that exorbitant amount of money spent going to an organization called Kicking the Stigma, an organization with the goal of raising awareness about mental illness.

Happy MHAM!

So, You Think You Have a Mental Illness

“We must bring the issue of mental illness out into the sunlight, out of the shadow, out of the closet, deal with it, treat people, have centers where people can get the necessary help.”

– John Lewis

With 1 in 5 U.S. adults suffering from some form of mental illness, it’s not a huge leap for one to think they may be suffering from one, as well. Depression and anxiety are extremely prevalent. Sharing similar hallmarks to certain other illnesses can drive many to assume they may be suffering from some sort of mental health issue.

According to Mental Health America, “mental illnesses are brain-based conditions that affect thinking, emotions, and behaviors.” Research suggests that 21% of adults in the U.S. experience some form of mental illness. 1 in 25 U.S. adults live with serious mental illness, and 1 in 6 U.S. youth aged 6 to 17 experience a mental health illness

There are things TO DO and things NOT TO DO when it comes to being curious about your own mental health. One of the big ones for me is to educate without overloading myself. Dr. Google may be right, but I believe it’s only smart to begin the deep education part after a proper diagnosis has been made by a mental health professional.

One major thing someone can do for someone is to just listen. You don’t have to pretend to understand, just listen. It may not help either side of the conversation, but it can act as a distraction.

One thing to avoid is any articles with names like “Signs You May Be…” or any other similar catechism. These are often misguided pieces of information and are used to create worry and fear rather than to be informative. After all, that headache you just Googled might just be cancer.

However, there are symptoms to keep an eye out for.

In Adults, Young Adults and Adolescents:

  • Confused thinking
  • Prolonged depression (sadness or irritability)
  • Feelings of extreme highs and lows
  • Excessive fears, worries and anxieties
  • Social withdrawal
  • Dramatic changes in eating or sleeping habits
  • Strong feelings of anger
  • Strange thoughts (delusions)
  • Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there (hallucinations)
  • Growing inability to cope with daily problems and activities
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Numerous unexplained physical ailments
  • Substance use

In Older Children And Pre-Adolescents:

  • Substance use
  • Inability to cope with problems and daily activities
  • Changes in sleeping and/or eating habits
  • Excessive complaints of physical ailments
  • Changes in ability to manage responsibilities – at home and/or at school
  • Defiance of authority, truancy, theft, and/or vandalism
  • Intense fear
  • Prolonged negative mood, often accompanied by poor appetite or thoughts of death
  • Frequent outbursts of anger
  • In Younger Children:
  • Changes in school performance
  • Poor grades despite strong efforts
  • Changes in sleeping and/or eating habits
  • Excessive worry or anxiety (i.e. refusing to go to bed or school)
  • Hyperactivity
  • Persistent nightmares
  • Persistent disobedience or aggression
  • Frequent temper tantrums

Before letting a list like this define you it’s important to seek out professional help. These are only places to start.

If it turns out after receiving proper medical care that you may have a mental illness there are things to do, as well.

  • Accept your feelings
  • Establish a support network
  • Seek counseling
  • Take time for yourself
  • Handling unusual behavior
  • Talk to a doctor about medication
  • Therapy

No, not all of these are going to work for everybody (I still struggle myself), but they’re a place to start. You must accept the issue before you can move forward. Only do so cautiously, though. The opinion of a mental health professional is needed before anything else.

Mental Health in Small Town, USA

“There is no standard normal. Normal is subjective. There are seven billion versions of normal on this planet.”

– Matt Haig

Just some brief thoughts:

I live in a small town. Like a really small town. It’s a very conservative, small town in a very conservative part of Illinois, which is most of the state (thank God for Chicago or we would be all Red). There aren’t a lot of resources in my area for people with any type of mental health or psychiatric problems. That seems to be the case for many rural areas across the U.S.

This isn’t news. A 2020 study found that “rural residents in the USA experience significant disparities in mental health outcomes even though the prevalence of mental illness in rural and metropolitan areas is similar.”

These issues may stem from a lack of funding or a lack of understanding of these types of problems. I haven’t even heard of any recognition that May is Mental Health Awareness Month on any type in any local media in my area – not that that is surprising. I have found most people have no idea this is Mental Health Awareness Month.

That’s part of the problem. No, not recognizing May as “ours”, but by not recognizing the issue at all. I had an appointment with my psych doctor yesterday, who practices more than an hour away now. Thank God (or whoever) for Telehealth or that monthly drive would be a killer.

A study by researchers at Wake Forest School of Medicine determined one of the main causes behind the lack of resources for mental health treatment in rural areas is the surrounding shame and stigma. The belief that “I should not need help.”

“We as a society have a hard time asking for help, so it’s hard enough to ask for help [without feeling] that everybody’s going to know it,” Dennis Mohatt, vice president of the behavioral mental health program at the Western Interstate Commission for Higher Education, said. “Your neighbors don’t have a clue in a city if you’re going to go get some help. But everybody [in a small town] will know if your pickup truck is parked outside of the mental health provider’s office.”

He’s right. Fortunately, I do not fall into that category. I’m not out picketing for change or acknowledgment, but I’m far from ashamed.

Other research suggests even suicide rates are affected by the regionality of mental health services.

“There is a higher suicide mortality rate among residents of rural and nonmetropolitan areas than those living in metropolitan areas,” Ty Borders, Ph.D., said. “The discrepancy has existed for decades, and the gap has widened in recent years,”

So, why is this? I’m sure there is more than one answer, but where I live it has a lot to do with what I hope is a lack of understanding (I have to believe that, at least). Funding, too, if that can be looped into it on some real substantive basis. However, I believe it stems from a lack of understanding.

It’s also because of a weakness that gets pinned on those who suffer from any type of mental health problem or crisis. There is very much a “Suck it up and get over it!” mentality among many throughout my community. The idea that mental illness didn’t exist fifty years ago is a very prevalent one.

Poverty plays a role in this dilemma, too. How can someone expect to pay for mental health services when they can’t afford their 10-year-old’s school physical? Especially if those types of appointments are an hour away and are only open certain hours or days of the week.

According to the Rural Health Information Hub, “18.7% of individuals in nonmetropolitan areas have a mental health condition, which is about 6.5 million people. Rural residents are also more likely than urban residents to experience a serious mental illness.”

One report suggests that for every 30,000 rural Americans there is one psychiatrist. This is interesting, and it would be interesting to know how many out of those 30,000 need psychiatric help. But we’ll never get any accurate information regarding that.

So, do we need more therapists? Or is it something more serious, a more systemic issue? I don’t think there is a black or white answer. I mean, I have no real ideas that would matter. I’m just like everyone else: pointing out the flaws in the system with no real alternative measure in mind.

The Perks (or So I’m Told) of Bipolar Disorder

“In the terms of ‘Mental Illness’ isn’t stable a place they put horses that wish to run free?”

– Stanley Victor Paskavich

If you follow my blog regularly, don’t worry if I’ve strayed from my personal journey of positive thinking. I haven’t. But I am wondering if someone’s playing a joke on me. I’m behind the computer as we speak, waiting for someone to jump and shout, “GOTCHA!” Just know I went in with the idea for this post relieved and even a little bit excited. By the time I was done, though, I couldn’t tell if I was baffled, underwhelmed, or downright appalled.

It may seem ignorant (or arrogant, depending on which way you look at it) to suggest that there is any kind of upside to the bipolar condition. I would not be able to see past the question before giving an answer that was less than friendly. Understanding that now does do a lot of good but makes up for very little.

That said, I’ve always had my personal beliefs about any connections between bipolar disorder and intelligence, creativity, etc. They were in no way unbiased, universal, or set in stone. It turns out, though, there is research to suggest that being bipolar doesn’t always have to be all bad.

Many people think genetics is the only factor that plays a role in this disorder’s existence. One study on the matter suggests that “despite the clear contribution of genetics to the etiology of bipolar disorder, little of the genetic architecture is currently understood.”

That same study also found five positive psychological traits dominant in those with bipolar disorder:

· Spirituality

· Empathy

· Creativity

· Realism

· Resilience

These traits “are generally viewed as valuable and beneficial morally or socially.”

I can only speak for myself, but I wouldn’t have guessed those to be the traits amplified in a positive light by bipolar disorder.

One of the psychiatrists who worked on the study, Nassir Ghaemi, is turning some heads with some of his research.

Ghaemi, psychiatrist and author of A First-Rate Madness: Uncovering the Links between Leadership and Mental Illness, has evidence supporting the study’s contentious findings.

“Depression enhances empathy and realism, and the mania enhances creativity and resilience … so when people have bipolar disorder, they have the full gamut of benefits.”

According to Ghaemi, those with bipolar disorder “are better equipped for times of crisis.”

This is playing semantics as far as I’m concerned. I personally don’t find it offensive but would understand why someone else suffering from bipolar disorder might. The word “crisis” is applicable in many different ways and on many different levels. To suggest that someone with bipolar disorder has the “full gamut of benefits” is offensive in general and, even more so, inaccurate.

The idea of resilience being a positive trait of this illness kind of makes sense to me, but the cynic in me can see how that might be offensive to others, as well. It may also be the cynic in me and not the bipolar disorder that makes me think, “Resilience? At what cost?”

Ghaemi said he believes exposure to adversity can provide a kind of “mental vaccine” against future adversity, in turn creating a kind of organic resilience.

“People with bipolar disorder … have traumatic manic or depressed episodes, and then it goes away. They actually recover from these episodes,” he said.

This is a misleading, reckless statement. I’m walking proof that that isn’t a rational assumption. I can only speak for myself, but even when I “come out” of a depressive or manic state I am always reminded that I only have a certain number of tools to work with – and they’re never enough. And they never will be. That’s part of the disorder: When you go into remission, you think you’ll be ready for next time. And then next time comes and you realize too late you were far from ready.

I can’t speak to the sense of spirituality that inflates by the madness; I myself am not a spiritual person so I can’t speak to the idea’s logic or lack thereof. The idea is that someone with bipolar disorder may “rely” on spirituality to help them through. Although this makes sense to me, I still cannot relate.

David Miklowitz, director of the Child and Adolescent Mood Disorders Program at UCLA’s Semel Institute, believes traits such as spirituality, in fact, are worth developing as safeguards.

He says, “for people with bipolar disorder to think about their personal goals for recovery—not taking medication and only taking medication, but are there other things that could be helpful to their long-term quality of life?”

This is true, but we must not lose sight of where, and in what order, our priorities need lie. “Recovery” in the land of mental illness and make-believe doesn’t mean “recovery” in the standard, typical sense here on dry land. For me, recovery is like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow: the idea is fun, but that’s about it. If you’re going to worry about being resilient or creative, you better have the “basic” stuff (like a medication regimen and therapy) MORE than down pat beforehand. Remember, this is war.

But, Miklowitz does note the danger in romanticizing the “mad genius” concept.

“…where we get into trouble … is when it’s implied that bipolar people are more creative than other people and then the logical leap that people make is, ‘Well, if I go off my medications, then I’ll be really creative.’ And that’s when disasters tend to occur.”

It seems like Miklowitz wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He seems to be nailing down the importance of maintaining a healthy lifestyle while at the same time entertaining a hypothesis that, from where I’m sitting, seems a little too unrealistic.

So, what about depression? Does one’s close nature with suffering allow them to tap into a secret vault of empathy? Well, according to the study, kind of.

“I…think that people with bipolar disorder have a unique way of perceiving the world,” Roumen Miley, psychiatrist and clinical director of the Providence Care Mood Disorder Research and Treatment Service, said. “They have increased sensitivity. When people are depressed, they experience the world in a different way. They become more sensitive to the world and to the pain in the world.”

This ideology does make me wonder if I’m a bipolar anomaly in that I disagree. Sure, I see the world through a lens that only I can. And someone with breast cancer sees the world through a lens only they can. It makes me feel like a spectacle. I don’t want to be interesting or knowledgeable in that regard. I don’t want to be “fun” to be around if what I’ve gone through continues to be the price. I’m flattered, but no thanks.

There has been a known correlation between creativity/intelligence and bipolar disorder for decades now, but no one can point to the reason why. It’s been common knowledge for some time that there is an extreme genetic component to the illness, but no one knows anything about which gene that is and why.

I’m not in complete disagreement with some of the conclusions these researchers came to, but I question the unusual directions they followed to reach said destinations.

I’m not offended to a point of irrational defiance, and granted, I know very little about the professional backgrounds of the researchers involved…but their intentions weren’t entirely in the right place.

On another note, the study also puts out the idea that having a “positive cognitive bias” shows people without a mental illness often misjudge both their own capabilities and control. They also tend to interpret events with too much of a positive attitude. So, are people without bipolar disorder different than “us” because they’re too positive and lack a certain kind of control?

The study aside, even the title of Dr. Ghaemi’s book, A First-Rate Madness: Uncovering the Links between Leadership and Mental Illness, makes me wonder about some of the connections made. I’m sure the research is there, but it sounds silly taken at face-value.

A catalyst for Ghaemi’s research, Tom Wootton founded what’s called the Bipolar Advantage in 2003. Its mission is to “focus on learning how to thrive DURING manic and depressive episodes. Those who achieve remission end up in crisis the next time it happens. Those who learn to thrive never have to worry about their next episode again.” I never knew a mission statement could be so irresponsible and potentially dangerous. But, hey, for the right price you can learn to harness delusional mania or that earth-shattering depression to your advantage.

Do I believe that’s possible to a certain extent? Yes, but only to an extent.

It’s the language that scares me. Not everyone’s brain chemistry is going to change by taking some overpriced web seminar.

This illness is like walking through fire. You become stripped down to your most raw, bare form and then you feel. You’ll feel feelings that you could’ve gone your whole life without. Feeling them in a way you know no one else can relate to or tolerate. I’m not special. I already deal with the disorder so don’t belittle me by trying to fit me inside one of your boxes because I’ll get out.

To quote the study, “By gaining a better appreciation for the positive aspects of mental illness and exploring methods to enhance these traits, we may improve clinical outcomes.”

Maybe they’re right. Through all the research maybe they’ve found the way in and cracked the code. But just because we can’t start the book on page one doesn’t mean we have to rewrite the first three chapters. I understand there is no linear approach when researching and treating bipolar disorder, but the conditions in which these conclusions were drawn are unusual and self-serving.

Like I said at the beginning, I approached doing this post with a proud enthusiasm; I was ready to be able to have something of tangible, evidentiary value that there was an upside to my downside. And there is, of course. I’m just not sure Dr. Ghaemi or any other researcher here pointed it out.

“In the storm of crisis, complete sanity can steer us astray, while some insanity brings us to port,” he said.

Needless to say, I won’t ever be getting on a boat with Dr. Ghaemi, proverbial or otherwise.

To blog, or not to blog, is there really any question?

“Blogging is like work, but without coworkers thwarting you at every turn.”

– Scott Adams

I recently wrote a post about the health benefits that blogging can provide, and there are many. I’d like to cexplore this a little more in depth, though. The effects of this specific type of release are tremendous. It seems obvious on a very basic level, but the facts are in, and they speak for themselves.

According to the American Psychological Association, blogging is healthy in ways you may never have imagined. Mental health experts say that short-term, focused writing can “enhance immune function, lower blood pressure, decrease heart rate, reduce asthma and arthritis symptoms, and lessen sleep disturbances in patients with metastatic cancers”.

Again, the benefits are plentiful.

A 2013 study suggests blogging is more effective than basic journaling or writing.

There are four categories when it comes acknowledging the health benefits of blogging:

· Interaction with others

o There is both a sense of community and anonymity amongst bloggers.

· Inwardly oriented benefits

o Being able to vent or express oneself is a key benefit that blogging provides. There is less emphasis on certain aspects of differences in the blogging world.

· Providing a safe space apart from ‘real life’

o The blogging community, no matter how large it gets, still allows one to feel safe while still having a voice in the mix.

· Use of time spent blogging

o Blogging can be a constructive and therapeutic activity, while also offering a much-needed distraction.

Researchers at the University of Texas discovered other physical benefits of blogging, such as:

· enhance immune function

· lower blood pressure

· decrease heart rate

· reduce asthma and arthritis symptoms

· lessen sleep disturbances in patients with metastatic cancers

The American Psychological Association (APA) supports expressing thoughts and feelings in the arts, including blogging and journaling.

Blogging also promotes wellness, which provides people with certain skills needed to “recover”. Wellness helps us mend, restore, and to be whole.

Blogging can also help chip away at the stigma of mental illness, according to Ali Mattu, PhD, a clinical psychologist.

“As psychologists, it’s our job to model how to handle these things, and if we’re not willing to talk about some of our own difficulties and how we’ve sought help, how do we expect our patients to do it?”

Deborah Serani, PsyD, a New York-based psychotherapist, agrees.

“There’s a lot of science grounding expressive language writing and journaling as being an helpful piece for maintaining mental wellness,” she said. “You don’t want patients to use their 50-minute session to process what’s going on in their lives.”

Being able to appreciate the anonymity of blogging while still taking advantage of its communal perks only goes to show its influence.

It is important, but blogging isn’t a cure-all or should take the place of other healthy alternatives.

“Social media can be a good adjunct to treatment, but not a replacement,” says Colorado clinical psychologist Stephanie Smith, PsyD, who blogs about the importance of psychology and good mental health. Smith acknowledges that there are many people who can’t afford the treatment they need.

“If online support and resources are all that some folks can manage, then it’s important we support them in that.”

Despite all the health benefits, there are downsides to blogging.

“Negative comments are inevitable when blogging, and in fact, there are people who troll blogs to find something to argue, berate or taunt,” Serani says. “Resist talking back, arguing or trying to prove your point to the negative commenter. Instead, delete his or her existence once you discover it.”

Since blogging and other social media outlets are here to stay, it’s important for psychologists to understand how the technology is used in the best way for healthy blogging.

No Complaints

“Once you’re labeled, you can be treated. On other occasions, labeling leads to tyranny, like with childhood bipolar disorder in the U.S.”

– Jan Ronson

I chose the quote above because I feel it shows both the good and bad of the madness that is bipolar disorder. It’s true: once you receive your “label” you can begin a treatment plan. At the same time, however, once you get that “mental illness” label it never goes away. At least not completely, anyway.

I’m in a space (for the moment) where nothing seems to be able shake me. I’m not manic or depressed, but I felt an overwhelming sense of clarity and peace the other day that was, for me at least, an eye-opening and humbling experience. I haven’t looked back since.

I’m nihilistic by nature and a natural cynic at heart, so that has definitely played a role in my perspective and attitudes toward these types of “things”. Coping skills…well, even if they don’t work there’s no reason not to commit to something that could possibly be extremely beneficial.

I mentioned my cynicism, which is usually interpreted as pessimism by those closest to me. However, I’ve been able to turn that perspective around and use the change to my advantage. No, not all is perfect, but it’s an interesting and unexpected change and for once I’m not being the “negative” person bringing everyone else down.

Hope. Hope is an amazing feeling (I’ve never said anything remotely like that before in all of my life). To have hope is a great benefit, especially in your darkest hour.

So, I have no complaints, and I guess I’m better off for the wear. Like I said, if this new “attitude” isn’t as life-changing as I hoped, the commitment to a healthy routine can only be a good thing.

I shall keep all of you posted. And hopefully seeing a change in my perspective may be helpful to someone else.

I’ll take it.

Self-Care & Mental Health

man running on side of road

“What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candor, and more unashamed conversation.”

– Glenn Close

One of the most important things us mentally ill folks can do is practice consistent, and proper self-care. Self-care is an important approach to managing long-term health conditions, especially when it comes to one’s mental and emotional health. Plus, it’s just downright good for you.

But what exactly is self-care? It is something generally described as the process of taking care of oneself, promoting good health and the management of illness.

According to Harbor Light Hospice, self-care promotes a “healthy relationship with yourself to the benefit of your physical, mental, and emotional health”.

Not being able to take care of oneself makes it harder to take care of others. As a husband and a father to three boys, I don’t have the option of not being there for them.

That’s why practicing self-care is such an integral part of self-maintenance and self-preservation. It can improve both one’s overall health and well-being, and can also help manage stress, lower the risk of illness, and increase energy.

Here are some tips from NIMH to help you get started with self-care:

  • Get regular exercise. Just 30 minutes of walking every day can help boost your mood and improve your health.
  • Eat healthy, regular meals and stay hydrated. A balanced diet and plenty of water can improve your energy and focus throughout the day. Also, limit caffeinated beverages such as soft drinks or coffee.
  • Make sleep a priority. Stick to a schedule, and make sure you’re getting enough sleep.
  • Try a relaxing activity. Explore relaxation or wellness programs or apps, which may incorporate meditation, muscle relaxation, or breathing exercises.
  • Set goals and priorities. Decide what must get done now and what can wait. Learn to say “no” to new tasks if you start to feel like you’re taking on too much. Try to be mindful.
  • Practice gratitude. Remind yourself daily of things you are grateful for. Be specific.
  • Focus on positivity. Identify and challenge your negative and unhelpful thoughts.
  • Stay connected. Reach out to your friends or family members who can provide emotional support and practical help.

Self-care can even help support one’s treatment and recovery, if true recovery is even possible.

Sometimes, however, even self-care can seem like an impossible task to take on.

It is important to seek out medical help if you are experiencing severe or distressing symptoms, such as:

  • Difficulty sleeping
  • Appetite changes that result in unwanted weight changes
  • Struggling to get out of bed in the morning because of mood
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Loss of interest in things you usually find enjoyable
  • Inability to perform usual daily functions and responsibilities

More Tips for Practicing Proper Self-Care

  • Take breaks to unwind through yoga, music, gardening, or new hobbies
  • Find new ways to safely connect with family and friends, get support, and share feelings
  • Take care of your body and get moving to lessen fatigue, anxiety, or sadness
  • Treat yourself to healthy foods and get enough sleep

Self-care has become a more popular, mainstream concept in recent years. According to Google Trends, the number of searches for “self-care” has more than doubled over the last five years.

Marni Amsellem, PhD, a licensed psychologist, describes self-care as “anything that you do for yourself that feels nourishing.”

“It can be something that’s relaxing or calming, or it can be something that is intellectual or spiritual or physical or practical or something you need to get done,” she said.

So, self-care can mean and be something different to everyone.

Self-care can also include things, such as:

  • Turning off the TV instead of watching another episode because the alarm is going off at 5am so you can get to the gym.
  • Declining the second drink at the office holiday party.
  • Saying “no” to the thing you don’t want to do even if someone is going to be angry at you.
  • Maintaining financial independence.
  • Doing work that matters.
  • Letting other people take care of themselves.

Bottom line: You have to take care of yourself. And in more than one way. We weren’t built to last. There are enough negative factors surrounding our illnesses as it is, so self-care is the least we can do to try and maintain some semblance of sanity and balance. There’s still going to be bad days, but we just have to try and push through. It’s all we can do.

Memories and Nightmares

yellow stethoscope and medicines on pink background

“Swinging by some shoelaces and weathered chains, my atoms rearranged, rearranged.”

– Tummyache, Median

Memories. I know this is something I have touched on several times in my 60+ posts over the last three months, but I can’t get away from it or all of the memories surrounding it.

This month marks the 20th anniversary of the suicide of a close friend. He hung himself in a tree in his backyard when I was in the 6th grade. We just so happened to be neighbors, so I was there and saw the whole thing.

I know the suicide of a loved one can affect people differently – many go through different phases or stages of grief, anger, understanding, acceptance. Not me. I never cried and I was never mad or angry, just in total shock. Disbelief. Numb isn’t the right word, either, but it felt like a punch to the gut I would never recover from. The memories of it all still and will forever haunt me.

Untreated mental illness is dangerous, and my friend Mark was a prime example of that. The statistics are alarming, but there are those who feel the statistics are meant to alarm. But I can’t seem to shake it. Without sounding “oh, woe is me”, it just shouldn’t be the case.

I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 15, again at 17, and then at 24, which is when I decided to seek out treatment. If I hadn’t I more than likely would’ve been just another statistic.

And instead of me regurgitating a bunch of facts, I’m just going to go straight to the horse’s mouth instead of spouting out memories of facts:

How common is bipolar disorder?

  • Globally, 46 million people around the world have bipolar disorder. (Our World in Data, 2018)
  • One survey of 11 countries found the lifetime prevalence of bipolar disorder was 2.4%. The U.S. had a 1% prevalence of bipolar type I, which was notably higher than many other countries in this survey. (Therapeutic Advances in Psychopharmacology, 2018) 
  • Annually, an estimated 2.8% of U.S. adults have a bipolar disorder diagnosis (Harvard Medical School, 2007).
  • Of all mood disorders, those with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder were found to have the highest likelihood of being classified with “severe” impairment (82.9%). (Archives of General Psychiatry, 2005)
  • The past-year prevalence of bipolar disorder is similar in females and males (2.8% and 2.9%, respectively). (National Institute of Mental Health, 2017)

Bipolar disorder statistics by age

  • The average age of onset is 25 years old. (National Alliance on Mental Illness, 2017)
  • People ages 18 to 29 years old had the highest rates of bipolar disorder (4.7%) followed by 30- to 44-year-olds (3.5%) as of 2001-2003. (Harvard Medical School, 2007)
  • People 60 and older had the lowest rates of bipolar disorder (0.7%) as of 2001-2003. (Harvard Medical School, 2007)
  • Only 2.9% of adolescents had bipolar disorder as of 2001-2004, the majority of which had severe impairment. (Archives of General Psychiatry, 2005)

Bipolar disorder and overall health

  • On average, bipolar disorder results in 9.2 years reduction in expected life span (National Institute of Mental Health, 2017).
  • The risk of suicide is high in people with bipolar disorder with 15% to 17% committing suicide. (Treatment Advocacy Center)
  • Up to 60% of people with any mental health disorder, including bipolar disorder, develop substance use disorders. (WebMD, 2006)
  • Of those with bipolar disorder, many report co-occurring health conditions, which are most commonly migraine, asthma, and high cholesterol. High blood pressure, thyroid disease, and osteoarthritis were also identified as high probability co-occurring health problems. (The British Journal of Psychiatry, 2014)

This particular stat suggests that up to 20% of bipolar subjects end their life by suicide, and 20–60% of them attempt suicide at least once in their lifetime. 

That sentence should scare the shit out of you. It should be cause for alarm. And it should be a wake-up call for those who judge or are ignorant to this illness.

Less than 3% of the United States population suffers from this disorder. We are by far outnumbered (not that I would wish this affliction on anyone) and it’s sad. Mental illness and mental health awareness in general has improved in this country to an extent, but nowhere near enough to make much of a difference.

I find it interesting that because I am bipolar, I have a decreased life expectancy of 9-17 years. Because of the possibility I may kill myself? Because of the dangers of mania? Why exactly?

Cognitively, I am slowly declining. That’s why reading and writing are so important to me. I want my mind and my memories. I always want to remember. I never want to forget

Self-care is super important, and fortunately I still manage in that department. I could exercise more and eat healthier. But other than that, and staying on a good medication regimen, what else can I do to maintain? And when that only helps to a certain point, what do I do then?

I manage, I guess. I may not do it well, but I never back down. But how long can that pretentious mentality last? Do you think the 20% of people with bipolar disorder who committed suicide were always suicidal? What about the 60% that attempt it?

This isn’t a cry for help, but a call to arms. March 30 was World Bipolar Day and I’m not sure how constructive that was, but it didn’t affect me one bit. No one called me or asked for my opinion. I didn’t receive any notice or information. I think it was just a day for fellow-bipolars to get together and be happy and spread “awareness” – amongst themselves, that is.

But I’m not happy because no one is truly aware. Not to the point that it makes much difference.

But when more than 50% of a certain population will attempt suicide and people are still hiding from that reality, continuing to stand behind the stigma that is so hazardous to those with a mental illness, bipolar disorder in particular.

Hopelessness. That’s the one emotion someone with any mental illness needs to avoid. In my opinion, many reach that hopeless state because of the stigma and lack of help available.

I am not suicidal and am in no way judging anyone who is. I’m just here to let you know that someone is on your side. I’m here and I’m pissed. This isn’t my battle to fight alone, but I’m tired of feeling alone so it’s time to stand up for change. If no one else will, we must do it on our own. If we do not take this disorder and all of its idiosyncrasies seriously (and not just us bipolars), we are looking down a dark, downward spiral of chaos.

I may be biased because I saw my friend with an untreated mental illness hang himself 20 years ago this month. I may be biased because I am bipolar, and I know the ins and outs.

It’s time for a change, though.

I’m tired of statistics, and I refuse to be one.

What’s In a Name? “Manic Depression” or “Bipolar Disorder?

anonymous woman with rainbow light on face

“Yes, I’m Bipolar but I’m as normal as you except the times when my mind thinks like two.”

– Stanley Victor Paskavich

I have not outwardly been attacked or “judged” for suffering from bipolar disorder, but it’s the under-the-surface opinions people have that make it even more difficult to manage. So, judge me, I say.

What do you think when you hear the words “bipolar disorder”? Of course, the connotation and stigma are there, at least on a general level. But where does your mind go? What do you think when that label gets tossed around?

Now, same question but with the label “manic depression.” What feelings does that label signify to you?

I suffer from both, seeing as how they are the same thing. But which one sounds less stigmatizing? If you said “manic depression”, then we are in agreeance. “Manic depression” encompasses all aspects of the disorder while sounding singular.

“Bipolar disorder” is the same illness, yet the vernacular is more divisive. “Bi-” implies two, ultimately signifying a split of some sort, or two different personalities, which isn’t the case.

Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder, not a personality disorder, so I feel the term is used interchangeably at people’s convenience. This in turn creates more stigma that only gets in the way.

This is my proposition: Bring back “manic depression” so those of us with “bipolar disorder” have a fighting chance.

When both terms mean the same thing, but the one we use isolates more people than not, I think it’s time for a change.

#ManicDepression2022

A Slight Return to the Madness

woman in gray tank top

“Soon madness has worn you down. It’s easier to do what says than argue. In this way, it takes over your mind. You no longer know where it ends, and you begin. You believe anything it says. You do what it tells you, no matter how extreme or absurd. If it says you’re worthless, you agree. You plead for it to stop. You promise to behave. You are on your knees, and it laughs.”

– Marya Hornbacher

Well, it’s been a week or so since my last post, so this is just me checking in, I guess.

Of course, it’s been one of “those” weeks: work started back up (yards needed to be mowed). On top of that, I spent Wednesday and Thursday in bed, depressed as usual (I wish people knew what it meant to literally not be able to get out of bed).

But in my rapid cycling nature, I am back, and have spent the last couple of days in a state of “stifled mania” (the medication helps the severity of the episodes). Today is Sunday, though, and I’m glad to be able to enjoy the beautiful weather here. And no work. It’s a great day to spend with the family and I’m genuinely happy. It may be fleeting, and tomorrow is a new day. So, who knows, right? All I can do is all I can do.

The above quote is as accurate as it gets. It never goes away, the madness. You eventually realize the demons aren’t laughing with you, but at you. Like every time before, though, damage all but done, it passes like all else.

I’m planning on spending some more time on another writing project, as well, but I’m not going anywhere. I just needed a recharge.

I hope that’s all, anyway.

The End of the Whole Mess

photo of paint splatter artwork
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[INSERT QUOTE HERE]

– [INSERT SOURCE HERE]

If it hadn’t happened to me and if it wasn’t true, it might almost be comical. Last time I was here blogging I was describing the tranquility needed at the end of a trip of any sort. If you remember, my family and I extended our little getaway an extra day to be used only to recharge and recuperate. Which I guess in theory sounded great. It really did. That was right up until the next morning before we checked out of our hotel room.

I woke up first, showered, and packed up what I could before waking up my wife and son. My son woke up without issue, but not my wife. She seemed more groggy than usual (and that is truly saying something) and when she sat up it was clear why: her right eye was bloodshot and swollen beyond belief.

It didn’t take a genius to realize this was a case of pink eye and that we wouldn’t be going anywhere anytime soon (I do not have a driver’s license and driving was not worth the risk as far away from home as we were). My wife, however, wanted to brave it and attempt the drive. We made it one hour before having to stop for the day once again (this time in search of a different type of recuperation) to not only be safe but survive.

The next morning was not any better. Or should I say my wife was not any better after another night of rest. Her eye was just as red as the morning before, if not more so. But we had no choice but to press on and attempt again; real life was waiting impatiently for us back home. So, we went on.

The first part of the drive was a little sketchy, but it didn’t take long for it to become full-on terrifying. We got as far as we could before I had no choice but to drive. Running on a mixture of emotions, I managed, and we finally made some headway. Once my wife was feeling “better”, we swapped back and safely made it home.

So, yes, we made it back to reality, and with a bang, too. I’m not altogether sure why I’m even writing about this; not only would I like to forget about the excursion, on the whole, it just sounds silly. It’s one of those things that is perhaps funny when it happens to somebody else, but not you. Maybe? Maybe it’s not funny at all. In any situation.

I’m spending just a brief, quick moment here, I guess in some silly way, to document this as proof that we’re really home. It’s a good feeling. In the end, the whole trip was great and ultimately worth it. All of it. More memories made, more stories to be told. All that jazz. I’m glad we’re safe. I do plan on taking some time to mentally unpack, though. Sometimes staying safe can be harder than it looks.

Another Pause: The Little Things

white ceramic teacup with saucer near two books above gray floral textile

“Resting and relaxing is as important as going out there and making it happen.”

– Hiral Nagda

So, we decided to stay another night just to have a full evening of recovery and relaxation (reading for me) before we make the seven-hour plus drive home. We’ve had a full day of family fun and it seemed like a no-brainer to take a night to unwind before we headed home; no need in going home so worn out that the trip becomes something we want to forget. Also, we all seemed to be excited at the idea of just getting to sit around and read or write or color.

Tomorrow, we return to reality (my wife has to work, and we both have two other children to return to). Not some futuristic definition of reality, just back to our everyday routine. There is nothing wrong with that; reality is, I assume, preferable to the alternative.

This post isn’t going to be too long, so I won’t take much, if any, of your time (assuming you’re even reading this). We’ve all enjoyed this little trip but are also excited about a night of nothing. Even though we’re doing things we can do just as easily at home doesn’t mean we always get to. Life can always get in the way of you being able to finish the last chapter of that book you’ve been reading for two months.

So, I guess my point (other than providing another unnecessary update) is to appreciate the simple things. Real original, right? But seriously, no vacation in the world can make up for the little things that are always right in front of us.

Meditation: Could it Work for Me?

man in black shorts sitting on floor

“You’re distracted and stressed because you’re not mindful. But the statement should be in reverse – you’re not mindful because you’re distracted and stressed.”

– Unknown

I’ve never had much luck with using or finding any coping skills that work. To me, they’ve always been akin to bullet points on a piece of paper given out at AA meetings or therapy sessions. They just have never been helpful to me and so I keep my distance.

Though I’ve never found any of the generic “coping skills” to work for me, I have noticed that meditation seems to be on every list.

Just another bullet point: mediation.

For all intents and purposes, to meditate, according to Oxford Dictionaries, is to “think deeply or focus one’s mind for a period of time, in silence or with the aid of chanting, for religious or spiritual purposes or as a method of relaxation”. Well, I’m here to tell ya that I’m just not hardwired for something like that, although there is a known direct connection between meditation and bipolar disorder.

Meditation is known to provide a sense of calm, peace, and balance. It can also help carry you more calmly through your day and may help you manage symptoms of certain medical conditions.

There are many different kinds of meditation, usually all focusing on areas such as posture, breathing, attention, and relaxation

To me, meditation actually seems…daunting. Like a task or something you really dread but have no choice in doing – except you do. I just don’t know that I have the capacity to slow my brain down enough to even an begin to try to meditate.

However, more than 60% of the top health problems for which people use meditation are stress, anxiety, and depression.

It only takes a little research (and some common sense) to discover and understand the benefits of meditation.

Some of these benefits include:

  • Gaining a new perspective on stressful situations
  • Building skills to manage your stress
  • Increasing self-awareness
  • Focusing on the present
  • Reducing negative emotions
  • Increasing imagination and creativity
  • Increasing patience and tolerance

That sounds good and all but, come on. Give me a break.

I must stress to everyone reading this that I am in no way dogging or downplaying meditation as a coping strategy, ideology, or practice if it works for you. I’m not saying it doesn’t work for people. Not at all. It just hasn’t worked for me.

It’s true, though, that meditation isn’t for everyone. There is some research that found that more than a quarter of those who regularly meditate have had a “particularly unpleasant” psychological experience while doing so, including feelings of fear and distorted emotions.

The study found that psychologically unpleasant experiences can occur during meditation. Even some traditional Buddhist texts allude to intense accounts of similar experiences.

A similar study found meditation can sometimes make people more neurotic, depressed, anxious, and can even trigger unresolved trauma.

For those who can’t properly meditate (myself included), there are a variety of reasons why including:

  • Racing mind
  • No consistency
  • Wandering minds
  • Keep falling asleep
  • Body aches and pains
  • Boredom
  • Having great ideas or thinking of important things
  • Trouble finding time
  • Expectations set too high
  • Hope of immediate results

There are, however, different methods for those who traditional meditation doesn’t work. Experimenting with personal variations, practicing in a different or a group setting, and keeping your mediations short are just a few of these ways.

Maybe I’m jealous to some extent because it sounds like an awesome concept, at least in theory; it may be difficult and frustrating in ways I haven’t even considered. In the end, you have to go with what works for you. You have to go with your gut.

For me, it’s not something I find any relief in but have not given up on. I’d like to be able to meditate; out of all the coping skills I know of meditation is the most appealing and seemingly reasonable to me. Maybe I’m just fascinated by the idea of it. I hope to one day be able to put the idea into practice and benefit from it. The science is there. Now I just got to catch up.

10 Essential Writing Tips from Stephen King’s “On Writing”

In 2002 Stephen King temporarily gave up on writing bestselling novels and wrote a little book chronicling his rise to fame and discussing exactly …

10 Essential Writing Tips from Stephen King’s “On Writing”

OPINION: Mental Health & the Divine? (Just a Pitch)

A look into Mental Health & Spirituality

silhouette image of person praying

“Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean it isn’t so.”

– Lemony Snicket

A newly released study is tying people’s religious uncertainty and lack of faith in the divine to poor mental and psychological well-being.

This study, entitled Attachment to God and Psychological Distress: Evidence of a Curvilinear Relationship, was conducted by Matthew Henderson and Blake Kent. The conclusion came about based on a national survey’s worth of data from the 2010 Baylor Religion Survey.

Henderson, an assistant professor at Union University, spoke out about his perception of the end results of the study.

“A lot of research has been able to demonstrate that religious practices, like prayer and religious service attendance, can have positive effects on mental and physical health,” he said.

According to Henderson and Kent, the study confirms that people with a strong connection to God will have a significantly better psychological well-being.

Kent, an assistant professor at Westmont College, said the amount of literature tying both religion and health together is immense and is only growing.

“Attachment to God has emerged as one of the most significant, powerful influences of mental health and oftentimes more important than actual religious attendance,” he said.

It’s an interesting case to make, but one that makes sense.

Kind of.

Having just the minimal knowledge I have of the study and its findings doesn’t take away from the strength of the research. I don’t think it’s too far out of left field to see a correlation between the two. Having pure blind faith in something may seem silly to some but can offer many a sense of purpose and discipline that may have a very powerful effect on their mental and psychological well-being.

People turn to religion for all sorts of different reasons, but the reason ultimately doesn’t matter and has no negative bearing on a person’s choices. In fact, it has quite the opposite effect. So, it makes sense that having a strong faith in God (ANY God or entity) could impact both one’s spiritual and psychological happiness.

I remember asking my grandma when I was a kid what would happen if she were a “true” Christian and had been praying to the wrong God this whole time. What would happen then? Would she be damned? But her response sort of summed up, in a similar regard at least, this study’s conclusions. She told me that even on the off-chance I was right with my concern that “living by the Lord and his positive message” is still the best way to live one’s life. I thought of her and that specific instance when going through some of the research that went into this study. The positivity that can surround one’s faith and belief systems can be infectious and inspiring. So, to me it makes perfect sense that there may be a scientific connection between one’s faith and mental health.

I, however, would like to point out that I do not believe it has to necessarily be a Christian God. I think any higher power will do. So, knock yourselves out, guys.

The study does have legs and can stand on its own. So much so that two social work professors at Baylor University have received a $843,647 grant from the University of South Alabama to study faculty views regarding training students to address a patient’s spirituality in mental health treatment.

Dr. Holly Oxhandler and Dr. Clay Polson are researching this as part of four sub-projects of the university’s Spiritual and Religious Competencies Project, which aims to provide mental health professionals with the basic abilities to focus on religious and spiritual qualities in their patients’ lives.

“What we see in the research is that when clients’ religion or spirituality is ethically and effectively integrated into mental health treatment – meaning the mental health care provider assessing for this area of their lives and asking them how it relates to their mental health care or circumstances or situations, how they’re leaning on it to cope or maybe ways in which it’s been a source of pain for them in the past,” Oxhandler said.

If an uncertainty in God/Gods or a shakiness in one’s faith can have such a negative impact on one’s psychological well-being, why hasn’t someone made the connection before now? Oxhandler and Polson both feel the role of religion in one’s mental health treatment hasn’t always been addressed due to the lack of research surrounding the topic.

“Without this level of funding, I think even envisioning a project this comprehensive would be challenging,” Polson said. “This makes it possible for us to do such a large project, looking at all the disciplines.”

Both professors say the final goal of the project is to be able to help mental health professionals realize the need to integrate religion and spirituality with mental health treatment.

“We want awareness, but ultimately, the goal is to see more comfort, to see practitioners using their skills and knowledge to do this better,” Polson said.

Being aware of the power of one’s faith and beliefs may have a bigger impact on your health than you could have ever imagined. The results aren’t completely in, but they look good. Mostly. If the effects of the uncertainty of a higher power have proven to be negative and damaging to one’s mental state, it makes perfect sense. Blind faith can lay the bedrock down for a clearer and more constructive personal core. In fact, a strong faith in a higher power may very well be your best bet when trying to maintain a stable and positive psychological well-being.

a day in the life: one day at a time

red flower near white flower during daytime

“There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”

– Leonard Cohen

As I write this early Tuesday morning, I can in good faith look back and reflect on how good yesterday was. Not that I can sit here all “woe is me” like I never have good days, but yesterday felt like a fresh start.

First off, work is picking back up as the warmer weather is (maybe) finally starting to settle in. I work for both a lawncare and a construction company. Yards will need to be mowed; houses will need to be built or repaired. Things are about to pick up and get busy. It’ll be mornings of rushing to get the kids shipped out to whoever is watching them on that day by 6 am. It’ll be the “get-up-and-go” this household really needs.

On another note, I had my second ketamine treatment last night and the relief was immediate. No, there was no “high” or “buzz”, as I’m often asked. It takes a few minutes to wake up and come to after the infusion, but there is nothing other than that if you’re someone trying to chase the dragon. I just felt all of the stress go away. I’m less tense and uptight, and I can even handle some of my OCD/superstitions that could laughably be debilitating. But that in and of itself is proof there is something to this ketamine regimen.

I am thankful for my family and am slowly starting to realize to not push them away. I’m learning how personally devastating it is to be bitter and to hold onto those little feelings every day. Let it go. I have an amazing wife and three beautiful sons that need me. And they need me to be me, not the person I have been and will still (unfortunately) become at times.

But even after writing that last sentence I still can find some level positivity in the situation, if only by not dwelling on the issue. That is new for me. My usual moody attitude would’ve normally kicked into full gear, and I would’ve ended up dead or in jail.

It’s nice to be able to reflect in a positive sense, not having to worry about getting fixated on a topic that concerns me in no way. That’s an intense state of mind and I’m happy for the relief. At this point in time, I’ll take whatever I can get.

Just remember when you wake up every morning to find or think of a few positive things right off the bat. Easier said than done, right? But it can be done. I’m doing it as I’m typing these words right now. If I didn’t know better, I would think I’m in the beginning stages of a cycle. Fortunately, I am not on any drugs, and I am lucid and have been for some time now. So that’s a nice feeling, too.

Well, it’s early and it’s about time for work (don’t you know there are yards to be mowed and houses to be built?). I just wanted to check in and remind anyone who needed reminding that, even through the madness, there is light. You may have to look a little bit harder some times, but it’s always there.

Happy Tuesday everyone!

On the Fear of Death, Dying, & Drowning

close up photography of concrete tombstones

“Death is as natural as life. It’s part of the deal we made.”

– Mitch Albom

It’s a subject as old as time, and a personal dilemma everyone experiences at some point in their lives: the fear of death and dying.

It would almost be negligent to let on that I’ve never fixated on the thought of dying and, of course, what’s to come after.

I’m not of the belief in a “Christian God” or a “White Jesus”…but on the same token I’m terrified of going to hell. It doesn’t make any sense, I know. But it’s true.

I’m not scared to die, though. I think I’d die for anybody. I would just want it to be quick, painless (who wouldn’t, right?). Don’t get me wrong. I in no way want to die, but you have to accept dying as a part of life or you’ll get too hung up on it, and that can be dangerous.

I get hung up on a specific fear of dying: drowning. I’m outright terrified of water…yet it never stops me from getting in; I’ve been in pools, ponds, lakes, and two oceans. But the entire time I am I’m in a state of anxiety and fear like no other. I hate water. I’d rather burn alive than spend my last moments in that type of fear accompanied with drowning.

The fear of drowning is called aquaphobia. In fact, aquaphobia is the irrational fear of drowning. I would say, partly because of my “condition”, most of my fears are totally irrational. For instance, I have to have the volume on the TV on an even number. I know it’s insane, but it’s a true fear. I honestly believe your shooting dice with the Devil if you have your TV volume on an odd number. I’m as neurotic as they come.

Fears can either teach or they can torture. They say you have to “face your fears” to conquer them. Most people try to avoid them completely so as to not have to even bother with the thought of it. I mean, how can the fear of death and dying be conquered? At best, it can only be accepted.

The fear of the possibility. That is a true fear I suffer from, and it can be debilitating. The anxiety that comes with just the possibility of something bad is phenomenal, except not in a good way.

The fear of death and dying is definitely a rational fear. It’s the fear of the unknown. The fear of what you have to leave behind. It’s rational, I just “handle” it irrationally.

I’ve decided to avoid the time spent on thinking about death by just never dying. I never want to die so that’s the plan. It may be irrational, but whatever gets me through the night, right?

But am I scared of dying? I don’t WANT to die, of course. but it is a part of life. And I have accepted that.

I agree the idea of not dying may not be a good plan, but it’s all I got (If I didn’t laugh all I would do is cry). We’re all going to die. And I’d like to believe we just drift off into the stratosphere, but as a nihilist, I honestly believe that after we die it’s all just black, an eternal void.

If I’m wrong, I just hope that when I die I make it to hell before the Devil knows I’m dead.

a day in the life: oh, sweet depression

“Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”

– Stephen Fry

It’s been one of those days, and if it’s anything like the last half of yesterday then you can count me out.

It’s just one of those days.

I’d rather be down than manic, though. The mania can be dangerous and is exhausting on a whole other level. I in no way benefit from the mania anymore.

It’s strange because March/April is when I usually cycle and experience my mania. So, to be “depressed” or just down is unexpected and, to be honest, seemingly out there in left field.

Even my dreams lately (and I rarely remember my dreams) seem to be a place of ruin where nothing comes together, and sleep becomes a place of complete dissolution. This endless cycle is a prison, and also the only home I’ve ever known.

I have adjusted and adapted to this idea of “normalcy” rather well, but even that is not enough. In the end, it’s all just a matter of timing. Just got to wait for things to catch up.

When depressed, every day winds down to the same thing, the same occurrences, the same happenings, the same void that I go through on repeat. It returns with an almost obligatory vengeance.

My brain beats to a drum, it doesn’t tick to a clock. Still, I’ll remain on this eternal schedule of Hell. And they wonder why I don’t speak of God.

Blame it all on temperament, personality, or a chemical imbalance. In the end, it still falls back on me.

And Don’t Go Out Smiling: A Poem

And don’t go out smiling –

In the reverie of death’s sweet delivery,

a smile would only cloud

and be monstrous.

A vagrant would, but you?

The romance in dying

is like the alcoholic’s valor,

the vine in the wine,

the poison of being intoxicated

I won’t, but I want

Dying:

Body releases soul emissions,

spirit forms, falls,

and encountered are magnitudes of cosmic growth

only attainable in the rays of death

But don’t go out smiling,

stifle your grins and be beckoned by the angel’s smile

Let them, but not us,

oh no

Smile not

and leave this world in great Trumpet Death

H. Town: A Poem

If these city blocks could talk, would you hear the hollow echo

of my soul’s soles,

edging around the lonely buildings,

thru the twisted and deformed night?

The streetlamp spotlight,

and a little slice of neon –

pierced atmosphere.

The slanted, pale red brick,

now crumbling and blackened by fire.

The stiff, blue mechanics of alleyway night,

crooked neighborhoods, dividing tracks, and road.

Masked by the golden Sunday sunlight,

this town is as pure of an example as anything,

Nature,

and rough.

Superficial, sing-song birds pilfer thru car washes,

and seek salvation on power lines and in other bird-way terminals

The halls, shops, liquor stores, institutions etc.

all have twisted paths that lead to

One.

The hills have eyes

but so do the streets,

with their piercing stop lights, headlights,

bright lights, night lights –

This town stabs my soul with the pitiful remembrance of a strangled youth

Bipolar Disorder in the Workplace

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

– Winston Churchill

I would say I can’t be the only one with bipolar disorder who knows how well this disorder operates under the pressures of a job and in the workplace, but I already know that I’m not; it’s a topic that is often used when writing about bipolar disorder. It may seem like a tired beat, and I certainly do not have anything new to add to the conversation. My experiences are not uncommon or unique. They are just mine. But I’m assuming you already know that if you’re here reading this.

It’s easier said than done, but the words in the above quote are definitely words to live by if you suffer from the madness that is bipolar disorder. I feel this ideology is especially important to keep in mind when bipolar and on the job.

It’s not like you have a choice and it can’t be described as laziness, but on a baseline level that’s how it’s interpreted. What’s not misinterpreted, however, is when the “typical” or “normal” person needs a mental health day and it’s okay, but when a person with a mental illness needs one…well, you know.

If I sound bitter, maybe I am. All in all, though, I can’t totally blame the illness for some of my past excursions in the work force. I have to take some responsibility. That makes it hard, too: to not be able to control the decision-making process yet feel bad for how that lack of control comes across and affects those around you.

It’s especially difficult in the workplace. When it’s fine, it’s fine. But when it’s not, it can feel like the whole world is closing in on you.

Let me give you an example.

I have a degree in journalism and worked in the field for several years. I was a digital content producer for a television news station at one point. Not my dream job, but you have to start somewhere, right?

I signed a two-year contract with the station and worked diligently and on task for nearly that whole two-year period. Until two weeks before my contract was up when I told my boss I didn’t want to renew. Impulsive? Yeah, sure. But it gets better.

One week before my contract was up, I just stopped showing up. I just quit going in. I turned off the cellphone the station had provided and just cut all ties with all of my co-workers. And that was that. Five years later, I still haven’t sent that phone back.

But that’s the way it goes with me. I’m good for about two years and then I seem to sabotage myself, either because of a level of intense, paranoid anxiety, or just because of an unexpected loss of interest.

According to one survey, more than 88% of people with bipolar disorder say their condition has affected their work performance. About 58% of those people quit working outside the home altogether. This is due in part to the extreme shifts in mood, sleep, energy, and overall ability to function.

THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND WHEN LOOKING FOR A JOB:

  • interests
  • strengths and abilities
  • skills
  • personality traits
  • values
  • physical health
  • limits, triggers, and barriers

According to statistics, the absentee rate for employees with bipolar disorder is 18.9 workdays per year, while those without the disorder miss on average 7.4 workdays.

Stats are always daunting when it comes to mental illness, but they speak for themselves. I never wanted to be a statistic, even though I know, in many ways, I very much am. I don’t think I would be sitting here writing this right now if I wasn’t.

Like I said, however, my experiences in the workplace are not uncommon or unique. The fluctuation between sheer productivity and total incompetence (for lack of a better word) can be devastating in their extremes. So, one day you could be on top of your game and the next you may be on the chopping block.

It’s not all bad, though. I have been working since I was 16 and I’ve had more positive experiences on the job than not. Out of my 16 years of work history, I’d say 95% of it has been positive and productive. It’s that other 5% that’s the killer, though.

On a more positive note, there are some studies that suggest working can be very beneficial to people with bipolar disorder, offering a sense of structure and increased confidence.

It’s not easy to find and keep work with a mental illness that aggravates your day-to-day ability to function. However, with a little extra work it is possible to find a satisfying, yet manageable job.

Sex, Drugs, and Stupidity: My Manic Self

“[ ] manic sex isn’t really intercourse. It’s discourse, just another way to ease the insatiable need for contact and communication. In place of words, I simply spoke with my skin.”

– Terri Cheney, Manic: A Memoir

It’s cliche, yes, but nonetheless it comes with the territory. Part metaphors, part exaggeration, “sex, drugs, and mania” pretty much sums up my personal experience with the dangerous and unpredictable nature of the madness.

I hate bullet points, but the symptoms and decision-making skills associated with mania, my mania, are about as textbook as it comes. Everyone is different, though, so mania can manifest itself in different ways for different people. No matter, the madness is still there.

For the sake of not hearing me ramble on about personal experiences I’m simply just going to hit on some points.

Symptoms of Mania

  • Abnormally upbeat, jumpy or wired – Check
  • Increased activity, energy or agitation – Check
  • Exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoria) – Check
  • Decreased need for sleep – Check
  • Unusual talkativeness – Check
  • Racing thoughts – Check
  • Distractibility – Check
  • Poor decision-making — for example, going on buying sprees, taking sexual risks or making foolish investments – Check

Check and mate, right?

I’m usually one of the first people who can tell I’m manic or on my way to being so, but I’m never the first person to mention it, which in a way makes it worse. It’s my fault, though, especially in the instances when I’m aware and can still acknowledge the onset of the mania. In a way, it’s like I’m waiting for some validation or something. I go from being curious as to what other people’s reaction to my behavior will be, to being embarrassed and ashamed when finally acknowledged. It’s a stupid, vicious cycle that’s on a constant loop. In moments of clarity, I can reflect and be aware of my condition and behaviors that I plan on avoiding in the future. Then, BAM! Back in the bipolar saddle again.

Whether depressed or manic, it always comes back. I can handle the depression, but the mania can take on a life of its own. And I’m far too old to worry about that.

But the bullet points are spot on. I need very little to no sleep. I’m outgoing at times, but I really step it up when manic. I would blow money like it was going out of style. And on stupid things. If it wasn’t on drugs or alcohol, it was on something equally unnecessary. I engaged in extreme risk-taking behavior (in many ways) and had no ability to see things in a rational, coherent sense. I become delusional, thinking I’m on the verge of a brilliant and great discovery or project. Other than not being able to control your emotions and mood that’s the worst for me. “Coming to” and becoming aware of how delusional I was. You believe it in the moment and then later wonder what the hell you were thinking.

I also get fixated on things. I get stuck on something while at the same time have no control of how fast my brain is moving. Cycling or not, I don’t have the ability to slow my brain down. And it can make everyday life just a little bit harder. At times, it can be totally debilitating.

It’s March and I’m a little perky (right on schedule), but I’m confident in my medication regimen. It’s worked well for quite some time, so I feel confident the mania may be lighter than usual or stifled to a certain degree.

March and April (springtime in general) are my bigtime months for the “sex, drugs, and stupidity” I can embody. However, having recently been diagnosed with a type of rapid cycling bipolar disorder I’m kind of used to the back and forth. It’s noticeable and, for my wife especially, can be very overwhelming and just too much at times. I can be over the top for a week or two and then be depressed for a week and then come back around to “normal”. Cycle continues in that sense. Wash, rinse, and repeat.

But I guess we’ll see. Hope the medication I’m on causes a subside to the symptoms.

I’ll keep you posted.

When the Music’s Over, Turn Out the Lights

“The only truth is music.”

– Jack Kerouac

As a musician and just as a human being on a very basic level, music is a key part of my every day. I’m making no correlation between the madness and the necessity of music in one’s life, it’s just a fact: music is a key part of my life.

King of and fellow nihilist Friedrich Nietzsche said, “Without music, life would be a mistake.” Is this just another extreme observation made by the philosopher? Should we just take it with a poetic grain of salt? I don’t know. I don’t know if life would be a mistake without music, but I do know I don’t want to find out.

For me, music is an escape. I have found, compared to my wife and other peers, that I am one of the only people I know who devours and rates an album by an artist as a whole. A lot of people hit up the radio hits and go from there (I still can’t listen to Dylan’s Blonde on Blonde without starting from the bombastic beginning and plowing through all the way to the end. Every time.).

I have to say the way we ingest our music and media plays a role in the output we get. Artists and, more importantly, record labels know that all an “album” needs is a couple Top 40 hits. The rest can be filler because it’s the singles that’s going to sell the record. So, it’s a known and very-well practiced formula (unless you’re Billie Eilish and then all rules are thrown out the window).

So, what kind of music do I like?

Well, I of course have already mentioned Bob Dylan. There is a string of albums the man released back-to-back over just a few years in the 1960s that reach an almost impossible state of perfection.

I am more a predominately rock n’ roll guy but have found numerous albums and other styles of music that I add to the spectrum. For instance, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill is definitely outside of my wheelhouse, but I honestly think it may be the last perfect album ever made. Now that’s an extreme opinion, but mine, nonetheless. With a list of “Favorite Albums” heavily clouded with Dylan, Beatles, and Rolling Stones records, the fact Lauryn Hill’s debut album cracks my Top 5 is saying a lot.

As both a musician and a fan, I have devoured The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, The Doors, The Velvet Underground, etc. But still, some of my favorite albums fall outside the main party line.

Both Sufjan Stevens Illinois and Seven Swans are in my “Top Favorite Albums”. Stevens has been a folky/electronic music hero for some time, and deservedly so.

Yes, I seek out the “album’s” album. I think the Rolling Stones Exile On Main St. is perhaps THE best rock n’ roll album ever made. The raw grit of the songs, the songwriting process, and the album’s creation says it all. Check it out. You won’t be disappointed.

The White Album by the Beatles is definitely up there with Exile. It’s a perfect collection of songs, and a perfect representation of how the band was working together at the time (not well). That being said, John Lennon is a personal hero of mine and I think he’s responsible for some of the best songs and albums of the 1960s and 1970s. And, yes, I’ll take Lennon over McCartney any day of the week (Shit, I’ll even take Ringo over McCartney.).

I’m admittedly bias as hell when it comes to this next one…but The Strokes have yet to release a bad album. Just saying.

In an attempt to wrap things up, let me pause to reflect. I remember one of my grandmother’s telling me at age 13 that my interest in the 90s “grunge” movement would make me “depressed” because those artists sang about drugs and suicide. So, to prove a point, I played Roadhouse Blues by The Doors (another one of my favorite bands). Her response was immediate and positive. “Yeah! Now this is a lot better! Listen to that beat!” I guess it didn’t matter that the song is a declaration of living in the moment in as raw and simple of a way as possible (“I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer/the future’s uncertain and the end is always near”). From that moment on anyone else’s perception of my musical tastes mattered not.

So, all in all, music is a release and an appreciation process necessary for me to function. I’ve always said I’d rather go blind than be deaf, as I couldn’t live without being able to listen to or play music.

Hell, maybe Nietzsche was only half right: Life without music isn’t just a mistake, it’s an impossibility and an unnecessary evil that should be asked or expected of no one.

TOP 5 FAVORITE ALBUMS (As of this writing and in no particular order)

  • The White Album- The Beatles
  • Exile On Main St. – The Rolling Stones
  • Nevermind – Nirvana
  • Astral Weeks – Van Morrison
  • The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill – Lauryn Hill

a day in the life: manic monday

“If I can’t feel, if I can’t move, if I can’t think, and I can’t care, then what conceivable point is there in living?”

– Kay Redfield Jamison

It’s been a pretty “blah” week on my end of things, personally and professionally that is. My wife has been sick, so I’ve tried to pick up some extra slack around the house while also having two young boys (5 and 7 months) to wrangle. It’s no one’s fault, but it left very little time for creativity to exist in any sense, blog-related or no.

I come here as a “blogger” to decompress in a very matter-of-fact sense, as well as to offer knowledge of my circumstances and experiences and how it relates to this illness. I don’t know if I benefit from it any more than anyone else, but it sure can make me feel better at times.

The past week has been one of what I call “stifled mania” (medicated mania), where the unwarranted energetic part of things has been there, but common sense has somehow miraculously prevailed.

Until now.

We’re coming to the close of the first full week of March, and it was not only expected but planned for. However, it feels a little bit different than usual this go-around. Perhaps it’s just psychosomatic, or because I’m on a different medication regimen than last spring. I don’t know. But I feel not only more aware, but also in more control. This latter observation could very well be a part of the delusions that can be expected to come in the next few days or weeks. But it’s a different form of mania and, I’ll be honest, I’m not a big fan.

We’ve still got time, though. By this time next month I may be crashing the walls and bouncing off the ceilings. I sure hope not, but only depending on what the alternative may be. And I hope it’s not this.

But I mainly wanted to check in. I’ll be back a little later this week if not with anything but an update on this strange state of boring mania.

Happy Monday.

Old Age, or Something Like It

“Some people with memory loss really need to start writing down the stuff.”

– Anonymous

You know that expression “You don’t know what you got until it’s gone”? Well, boy, is it true! And applicable to damn near ANYTHING!

If the name of this blog (and literally all of my previous posts) didn’t give it away, it probably is no secret that I suffer from bipolar disorder. Not meaning (or attempting) to be funny, it’s a topic us mad ones have to laugh at or else we’d spend all day crying. Or worse.

There are many negative aspects to being bipolar. Believe me, I know. At the same time, I also feel (sometimes) that there are some good aspects of suffering from the illness. They’re not always obvious, but they are there.

But does the good outweigh the bad? Or is it the other way around? Ask me tomorrow and I’ll tell you something different.

“The older I get” has become a new, oft-used phrase of mine, almost a sad mantra of some sort. But over the last year alone I’ve experienced such a cognitive decline it’s more than noticeable. If only by me.

This is one of those instances where the good doesn’t outweigh the bad. There’s no other way to spin it, and it’s scary.

As someone famous once labeled themselves as being “well under the 30”, I cannot….but only by a little bit (the elders of the tribe would scoff if they knew my real age). Which makes it scarier! I shouldn’t be dealing with these types of things this early in life. Or so you might think.

I don’t mean to sound abrasive or whatnot, but it’s been a problem that scared me enough to keep it a secret. Until I couldn’t.

Before the forgetfulness got severe enough to scare me, I started having problems with basic motor skills. Just loss of coordination and perception. This went on for a couple of months before I got “busted” by my wife. After a few times of falling and losing balance one day, the jig was up.

It was strange having to discuss the issue like I had been hiding an affair or something equally dreadful. Of course, my wife wasn’t too happy and it actually kickstarted my deep personal fear of the problem. I was slipping, it felt like. You can take a hand. Hell, you can take the whole damn arm. Just don’t take my mind.

I then started forgetting what I was talking about mid-sentence. I’d forget the whole conversation, the whole subject even. I would get so embarrassed when this would happen with anyone other than my wife that I could almost cry. And sometimes I did. It’s like walking into a room and forgetting why. Except now I was forgetting to even walk into the room. It’s a metaphor, but accurate nonetheless.

I of course went to the doctor and got in with a neurologist. I’ve had at least three MRI’s, one suggesting there were two spots of white matter in my corona radiata and another suggesting there was no white matter at all. Things have been ruled out, just not ruled on.

I’m to have an even more extensive MRI done to hopefully determine something. It’s weird to want to know something is wrong rather than experience this type of loss and there be no cause to its effect.

Fortunately, upon doing some research, I’ve learned that bipolar disorder takes a toll on the ol’ brain. That’s what it is. Has to be. I’d almost bet the farm on it. Especially when it comes to loss of coordination and the cognitive decline.

Now this isn’t an everyday hindrance; 95% of the time I’m fine. Bipolar still, but fine. It’s the other five percent that’s troubling.

I can’t sit around and count the days until I’ve totally lost myself, though. But I’m still not excited about it. And maybe I won’t have to deal with it on a real serious level, but it’s the type of decline that’s been real gradual. Thankfully (knock on wood) I have not had any serious or even real noticeable “moments” in the last month or so. But it comes and goes. Which makes it even scarier.

I go back to the neurologist in April, and I don’t expect there to be any more of an answer than there was a few months ago. I’m not being negative, just reacting to what I’ve learned about this from the doctors so far: not much.

I’ll wrap this up before it turns into even more of a whiny, “woe is me” type of post, which was not my intention. But if I ever seem absent, and to a fault, fear not. I probably just forgot to remember it was blog day.

Again, us mad ones have to laugh or else we’d go crazy.

a day in the life: dreams to remember

“Let your story go. Allow yourself to be present with who you are right now.”

– Russ Kyle

I wish I was blessed with the great gift of eternal memory. I see autobiography and memoir sections in bookstores (yes, they still exist) and wonder to myself how anyone could put their lives into any form of chronology. I can’t even begin to formulate any kind of clear, rational picture of what my life has been so far.

I sometimes wish I had kept a journal or diary of some sort when I was younger so I could remember more. I do feel, however, that when people begin writing in that specific stylistic narrative, personal truths get twisted and extremes get embellished. Once submerged into the re-creation of one’s life, journals and diaries often become fictionalized accounts of reality.

My life, though, for the sake of only a little bit of remembrance, appears to me in broken, fragmented passages of cloudy polaroids. But I do think there is something special in the knowing – the remembrance – of one’s life.

I consider myself lucky, though, because I have learned that with the “madness” comes a resounding, yet empty silence. And that’s okay. The older I get the less I can remember about the “madness”. It’s not completely necessary to know what happened to know that it happened, though. There is always a beginning to everyone’s story, no matter how fictionalized it has become over time.

It’s true. The older I get, the less I remember. I think that’s how it goes, though. I’m not atypical in that regard. But I have to wonder how much of this loss of remembrance is due in part to the “madness”. I know it plays a role in these types of things. I know that. And that’s terrifying.

I won’t get into statistics this time around, but they are also terrifying. They make it hard to be able to enjoy the moment. You’re definitely living in the moment, though. Living in the moment going 100 mph on the edge of a razor blade. It comes with a tragic intensity that can only be described by the gods for there are no words that could adequately sum up the hell that is the “madness”.

Now, that may seem a little extreme, but it’s not by much.

We weren’t built to last. Apparently, we weren’t built to remember either.

Hell, now even I can’t decide which is worse: knowing and remembering, or the alternative.


March Only Comes Once a Year

“I’d rather feel the benefits of the flames and risk everything, than not feel them, and risk nothing at all.”

– Daniel Lyddon

Having bipolar disorder is like standing on the edge of a cliff in a thunderstorm: there’s an intense beauty about it, but ultimately in the end it’s just not a good idea. And that’s okay. It’s a well-known fact that if you play with fire, you just might get burned.

As I’ve put certain things in my life on the backburner (including this blog, for instance) to try and tackle another project, I have definitely spent more time in my head than usual. It’s been both eye-opening and frightening. The wheels are always turning , and even when I’m still being “productive” it can become exhausting on a dangerous level.

So, own it. You must own it. If you don’t own it, it will end up owning you.

Realizing that some of the worst aspects of having bipolar disorder are also some of the best ones makes it easier to use the illusion of ignorance to take advantage of it. You may love it, you may hate it, but you must own it.

It does get easier, though, but not because you get used to it. You just learn to try and brace yourself in a kind of frenzied preparation. No, it doesn’t always work, but you must take advantage of the times when you have some semblance of control. Sometimes you just have to grit your teeth, brace yourself, and hope for the best.

I’ve spent a lot of time lately (more time than usual) trying to be purposefully self-reflective for a bigger project, and although I am thankful for the temporary gift of impulse control and the like, it’s still not hard to get lost in the internal chaos of my mind. And that’s what it is: an intense state of internal (and eternal) chaos that if it’s not completely debilitating, it controls and ultimately destroys you.

I’m going to return to this blog, not daily, but at least a couple days a week. This is an outlet that lets me share my experiences to help spotlight the topic of bipolar disorder. I hope I’ve done that without coming across as abrasive or pretentious. But I can’t worry about that now.

If all remains the same, March and April will be when I become manic. Maybe it’s because Spring is my favorites season. I used to look at it as a kind of personal beauty, accompanied by an intensity that can only be described as exquisite and capacitating. It ends up zapping you of everything, though. You become drained to a point of complete depression. The cycle is always the same, just like the directions on a shampoo bottle: Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

It’s almost March, and if I continue to share on this blog during this upcoming “event” or period of time, there’s no telling how it’s going to come across. I may be rambling about anything or I may not. We’ll see.

I just have to learn and accept that sometimes to stand out it’s better to just blend in.

a day in the life: mind over mania

“You know how most illnesses have symptoms you can recognize? Well, with manic depression, it’s sexual promiscuity, excessive spending, and substance abuse—and that just sounds like a fantastic weekend in Vegas to me!”

– Carrie Fisher

It seems the older I get the less I enjoy the mania. At one point in my life, though, I would have clung to it up until it completely fizzled out, but not anymore. The mania…well, whatever being or entity is in control of things can just keep it.

“Mind over mania.” It’s almost an oxymoron of a mantra as there is no such thing. At least not for me. When in the full throes of a severe manic episode I have control over none of my mental or cognitive faculties. When manic, I exist only on an island of delusions.

It is nice to be able to look back and reflect on a period of mania and have a true perspective on things. That’s not always the case, and the lines between awareness and disregard can become pretty blurred at times.

When I usually try and look back on how a manic phase has affected me and/or those around me, I always end back up to the “bullet points”. I love the “bullet points” just about as much as I love the lists of “coping skills”. I know. I sound pretty cynical and bitter, but I’m not meaning to. The clarity genuinely makes some past chaos all the more meaningful.

Looking back on a period of mania without the type of clarity I’m trying to describe is like trying to look through a dirty window into another: you can get the gist of what’s going on, but as a whole it’s never really quite clear.

So, today I hope to remain productively reflective for as long as I possibly can. If “first thought” really is “best thought” then I’m going to go ahead and stop now.

SPOTLIGHT: Kurt Cobain

“The sun is gone, but I have a light.”

– Kurt Cobain, Dumb

Not all days are bad days, and sometimes I have nothing in particular I need or want to say. So, I started a little “Spotlight” segment in which I talk about someone of cultural prominence who suffers from bipolar disorder. The idea is to use a “poof”-style piece to shine a light on said chosen person. It’s a personal exercise and challenge, and also helps make this illness just a tad more relatable. This is my second “Spotlight” piece, the first of which was on Vincent Van Gogh.

This one is on Kurt Cobain.

Kurt Cobain was born in February of 1967 in Aberdeen, Washington. As a child he was diagnosed with ADD and developed bipolar disorder later on in life. Never pursuing treatment, though, Cobain struggled with severe depression throughout his entire life, often turning to drugs to self-medicate.

Cobain is best known as the front man and main creative force behind the rock band Nirvana.

Nirvana began playing together in the 1980s but would undergo countless name changes and at least four other drummers before permanently sticking with Dave Grohl in 1990.

Although their debut album, Bleach, was recorded and released in 1989, it was their sophomore effort, Nevermind, that really cemented their place in history. Driven by the hit song “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, as well as a slew of other rock radio staples, the album knocked Michael Jackson off the top of the charts and catapulted the band to near-overnight fame.

This really didn’t sit well with Cobain, though. He never intended or wanted to become as popular as he ultimately became. He was labeled the “Voice of his Generation”, which also did not sit well with him.

As mentioned above, Cobain often turned to drug use as a means to handle the sudden onslaught of fame, along with other various personal issues. Cobain’s drug of choice was heroin, and he became extremely addicted to the powerful substance, even to the point of overdosing around family and friends.

Nirvana went on to release only one other official studio album, In Utero. It was a drastic departure from the material on their previous album, and was the album Cobain was most proud of.

Cobain’s songwriting skills are his most notable and spoken of talents, as he is often lumped into many “best songwriters of all time” lists. He was moody, bright-eyed, and honest in his writing, creating a mass appeal in all he did.

Ultimately, though, between his severe depression, his inability to handle public pressures, and his extreme dependence on heroin, Cobain committed suicide in 1994 at the age of 27. He left behind a wife and daughter.

One thing I must express is that you don’t have to use drugs or suffer from a mental illness to be creative or productive. Suicide isn’t the answer, either, yet I have no room nor am I in any position to even speak on that.

I only add this little tidbit because the subject of the last “Spotlight” piece, Vincent Van Gogh, also committed suicide. There are many amazingly creative and genius people out there who do not follow the same path as either of these two men.

I promise we won’t end this series on a “Van Gogh” or a “Kurt Cobain”, if only just to prove my point. Sometimes it’s best to just stay in the light.

Until next time.

OPINION: A Timeless Debate, “Prayer In School” Remains A Divisive Issue

*An opinion piece I published in another publication*

The debate over prayer in school has been one of high contention for decades now, and with the dispute still making headlines it only makes me wonder if any real progress or headway has been made. Or will ever be made.

It was recently announced that the Supreme Court will hear the case of a high school football coach who was fired over holding postgame prayers at the 50-yard line. A federal appeals court ruled that the school board could force said coach from holding these after game prayer circles. This may be an offshoot of the actual “prayer in school” debate, but it is a slippery slope and here is where we are. This is definitely a case to keep an eye on.

It’s important to note in this particular case the fact that the Supreme Court has never outlawed prayer in school, so long as it is done privately, willingly, and in a way that is not forced or disruptive. However, the debate was first heard by the Supreme Court in 1962 in a case called Engel v. Vitale. The ruling handed down determined that prayer in school was a direct violation of the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. At the same time, many in favor argued that disallowing or banning prayer in school is a direct violation of religious freedoms also protected by the U.S. Constitution.

An issue I once considered pretty cut-and-dry as a matter of personal opinion is actually one dictated by politics more so than morals and religion. But of course, that’s the way it goes. The principle is lost behind an agenda of “right fighters”, all claiming to have the answer based off whatever they feel they need to say to keep their jobs. I’ve often wondered how serious an issue this really should be considered and feel that maybe it should have remained a little more cut-and-dry.

When I say “cut-and-dry” I merely mean to each their own. If you are against prayer in school, you probably want to have your cake and eat it too; as long as it’s not the white, Christian God then pray away, right? And if you are for prayer in school, you have to consider all religions instead of making it a Christian and non-Christian debate.

The California Board of Education and Department of Education (CDE) just recently settled a lawsuit with parents over a certain Ethnic Studies program that required students to recite certain prayers and chants to Aztec gods. According to the suit, the CDE infringed upon California Constitution’s establishment clauses and state law banning government aid in promoting or teaching any religion in any particular fashion. This is a side of the issue that makes sense to me. If the recitation of these prayers and chants were taught as part of the educational curriculum provided by the state then I would have to side with the parents in the suit: religion should not be imposed upon someone in school per se, especially if it is a requirement and for a grade.

See? A slippery slope, indeed.

My feelings surrounding the matter are slanted, for sure. Although that may sound like I want to have my cake and eat it, too, I assure you that’s not what I mean by “slanted”.

Although a very polarizing, “Conservative vs. Moderate” issue most of the time, each and every circumstance is different and must be analyzed based on its own merit. A football coach getting fired for praying after a game, as long as it not forced upon the players, is an extreme that is less of a slippery slope and more of a nosedive into sheer ignorance. That being said, I honestly feel prayer in school should be done at the individual’s discretion, if at all, and in a way that doesn’t isolate or make other students uncomfortable. School is supposed to serve a singular purpose, and that’s not to divide the aisles any more than they already are by personal religious beliefs. There are already enough divisive issues our children are going to have to face in the school environment. Should we really add another one?

I also feel if you’re going to hang up a picture of Jesus Christ in your school (I attended a school in which this was the case), then it’s only fair to hang one up of Buddha, Mohammed, etc. If we’re going to pray in school, let’s keep it fair.

Prayer in school should not be a forced part of any school’s curriculum. The world and current cultural norms are only becoming more diverse, so for prayer in school to even be part of any discussion all voices must be heard.

It is ironic to me, however, how a majority of the proponents for prayer in school are pretty close-minded in their beliefs and how those beliefs should be carried out. Is this an across-the-board fact? No. And I wouldn’t dare to speak on an issue in such a blanketed, black-and-white way. I will, however, remain steadfast in my belief that the motives for or against prayer in school are skewed and usually exist for the wrong reasons.

Stuck In The Middle With Me: The Crash, Burn, and (1st) Revival

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”

– Will Rogers, humorist

So, I’m not entirely sure where we left off, but I know it was somewhere around here:

From the ages of 15 – 25 I was in a total tailspin without being aware that anything was wrong (there’s a lot in that 10-year period that could act as a general testament to human stupidity, so we’ll save that for another day). However, it was right before my 25th birthday that it was more than clear that I needed help.

My girlfriend at the time, the mother of my oldest son, finally confronted me on my behavior. Prior to this meltdown I cycled pretty regularly. March to April was always a pretty manic time for me (perhaps because I love the spring) and had been for a solid 10 years; my girlfriend at the time put up with a lot over that decade and God love her, she did her best. By the time we had gotten to this bottom-of-the-barrel period of pure mania, however, the final nail had been put into the proverbial coffin of our romantic relationship.

No matter, I had totally missed the mark this go-around. March became April. April became May. And so it went until the great crash at the end of July.

Again, this was new territory for me, except I had no idea it was happening. I was on top of things. I had finished up my journalism degree at SIUC in Illinois. I worked for my college newspaper while also interning at our regional newspaper. On top of that, I worked a retail job and am a father. I stayed busy and was on top of my game.

This proved to not be the case, however.

My girlfriend and grandmother staged the closest thing as humanly possible to an intervention, which is why I will never take part in one. I was pretty much told that I wasn’t “invincible” and was going to lose everything or die if I didn’t “go somewhere”, which I might add was more than offensive at the time. Go where? A hospital? And why would I want to do something like that?

But I was going out and drinking all the time. Four to five days a week, if not more. Still somehow able to skate through my day-to-day life, managing my personal and professional obligations better than anyone else I knew. Again, I was the only one who saw things this way.

I was unravelling. I was climbing up on my roof for no logical reason, sober. I attempted to pressure wash my house at 3 a.m., sober. Etc., etc., etc. It was acts like these, along with all the other manic and delusional behavior, that began to scare people.

Ironically enough, the crash was almost precipitated by an actual crash. After agreeing to “seek help” by means of “hospitalization” I must have changed my mind because I jumped out of a vehicle going about 55 mph and took off running down a side road off of the highway. I was miles away from home and so my trek on foot lasted only as long as it could. I called my ride and got picked back up soon after.

There was no need for hospitalization at this point. I was aware that this was the crash, and the depression would soon be on its way. But first, I needed the crash. And that’s exactly what I did.

And then the burn. Nearly two weeks of picking myself back up just to be hit with the realization that yes, I needed to, at the very least, schedule a doctor’s appointment.

It took another couple of months to get in with a psych doctor, but I didn’t have time to let that be an issue. I was still operating on autopilot after this most hard comedown. Once I got in, though, I took every second of it seriously.

My relationship with my girlfriend was over and had been for some time, but she still wanted me to be okay. If only for our son. Ten years had taken its toll.

But I started seeing a psych doctor and a counsellor regularly. I got on my first of what would be countless medication regimens. And things began to stable out and make sense. I was initially worried about the medication game, but hey, if you need them, you need them.

After several months into my treatment, I accepted a job as a digital content producer at a tri-state television news agency and began to move forward.

I was picking up the pieces and moving forward and that’s all I could do.

It wasn’t too long after that I met the woman who would steal my heart and totally change my world forever…

To be continued.

Writing, or Something Like It

“For me, the first sign of oncoming madness is that I’m unable to write.”

– Marya Hornbacher, Madness: A Bipolar Life

It’s funny how certain traits and talents go when in the throes of either a manic or depressive period. And it’s funny how others become amplified.

Well, as someone in between cycles and bracing for a bout of full-on depression, it really isn’t that funny. Just an interesting observation.

For me, as both a journalist and someone who is just passionate about writing, it is one of the first of my abilities to go when I’m cycling.

I have what is known as rapid cycling bipolar disorder. So, although I know when I’m “high” or “low”, I have very little down time in between cycles. And sometimes both the mania and depression even coexist.

Everyone of us is different, but I totally lose all faculties that stem from the root of my creativity.

No, I’m no James Patterson or anything, churning out material like it was ticker tape. But I like what I have so I’d like to keep it. It’s impossible, however, for me to even rhyme-scheme when manic or depressed.

I know for others with bipolar disorder it’s the complete opposite. Mania can be like throwing fuel on a fire for some. It used to be like that for me; I’d use the mania to my advantage for every little possible thing. Those days are long past, though. These days when I try to create during a manic phase the results are (no pun intended) depressing.

I don’t even try to create when I’m in a depressive state. When I was younger and tried to write when depressed, all that would pour out of me was pretentious poetry that, to this day, I still cannot revisit.

So, although this post is nothing extensive or special, it displays some degree of clarity so I must be operating at a somewhat “normal” level.

If anything changes, you guys will be the first to know.

a day in the life: hope(ful)

“For too long we have swept the problems of mental illness under the carpet… and hoped that they would go away.”

– Richard Codey

Whoever said “hope springs eternal” never offered me any sound advice on the mantra.

Despite being someone who operates from a place of hopelessness, hope seems to be all I have at times.

Though it’s always been the case, I’m finding it harder and harder to accept. I don’t feel like I could ever know what “true” hope is without being phony on a level I could never be okay with.

No known cause. No existing cure. Just managing the in-between areas of the highs and lows. The aesthetics of the situation are dull, even repulsive at times.

That being said…there do seem to be more “easy” days than not. I’m doing my best to hold out hope that that remains to be.

As a husband and a father, I continue to hold out hope just for hope’s sake.

Even in times of sheer hopelessness, there is always some sliver of something, I’ve learned. If not hope then a mild form of something similar, and I’ll take it.

So, even when the darkness seems to be all encompassing, I’ll at least try to stay aware that hope exists somewhere outside the scope of my current field of “vision”.

I truly do hope that mantra is more than just an acquired confidence. But if not, it’s one I hope to acquire.

Me, Myself, & the Genetic Connection?

“Can I get a reprieve?

This gene pool don’t hurt me.”

Pearl Jam, My Father’s Son

As I’ve mentioned before, there is no one, direct cause when it comes to bipolar disorder. However, it is known that approximately 80% of the cause has been traced back to genetics. And with the heritability rate of bipolar disorder being off the charts, it’s only natural for me to wonder who is responsible for passing this on down the line to me.

Right?

It’s a joke, yes, but one that I stumbled upon honestly.

I have been on this journey of “true” self-knowledge for more than 15 years so I’ve learned to pick up on my own cues for the most part. But if a major part of this affliction is hereditary then I feel I deserve to know a little more.

I’m not being facetious in wanting names or anything. I just feel if genetics plays a major role in my particular “predicament” I deserve to have AT LEAST a vague outline of things.

Sometimes…most of the time…I have no idea whether I’m coming or going so a little clarity couldn’t hurt. May not help, either. In fact, it probably wouldn’t so I’d just be happy with another shot in the dark or just some more hope.

Now before I begin to sound any more pretentious or whiny, I know I’m not alone in having to deal with this process of acceptance and self-awareness. At this point, however, I just assumed I was past this part of the process. But as with the bouts of mania and depression, the process of “figuring things out” on a higher level is in of itself a big cycle. A vicious cycle. And one that has enough “lessons” to last a lifetime.

I may never get the answers I want. Or like. We in the bipolar community may have to just get used to it, but it doesn’t mean we have to like it.

I may never learn the direct cause of my bipolar disorder. But I do know there are many effects. These highs and lows are all effects. The way my behavior affects others around me is an effect. But so is my fight onward.

Cause and effect. There’s a cause to every effect. I just ask that, for the sake of myself and millions of others, you don’t take the effect and make it the cause.

Even if it is in your genes.

New Year, Which Me? Resolutions for the Unstable

You hear it at the beginning of every year. “New year, new me.” It hardly ever seems to work out that way but it’s a nice thought. If you are one of the lucky ones, though, then good for you. I say that with no condescension. Honest. But for approximately 5.7 million Americans it may not be so black and white.

New year, new me. For me, part of that expression has always been just the opposite. The expression “New year, SAME me” is a little more on the spot. And “SAME me” is not someone I have always been proud of.

To break it down even further, “SAME me” is not always the “same” me. Sounds complicated, right?

Let me try and clarify.

Those who do not suffer from bipolar disorder may not understand exactly what I mean by that, but I’m sure anyone with the disease can relate.

The extreme highs and lows accompanied by the bouts of mania and the depression all play a role in what kind of “person” I, we, come across as.

So, dramatic? Maybe. Inaccurate? Not entirely.

I wish I had the complete ability of control and awareness when in the moment, but it’s usually not until later when I realize how my behavior caused me to look and come across as.

I was once told by a family member that they didn’t reach out to me more often because they never knew how I was going to “react”. I wasn’t angry after hearing this, surprisingly. Not at all. I was embarrassed. It put a spotlight on something I wish would’ve remained hidden in darkness.

I know enough to know (even if a little too late at times) that I am not always the way this particular family member was referring to when making that comment, one that was perfectly honest and harmless.

Despite it being innocent enough, the comment offered me more perspective than I ever had on the matter. Once again, I became aware of my behavior and attitude just a little too late.

Awareness.

Being aware. Being aware and staying in control of one’s faculties at the same time. I’ve always described bipolar disorder as knowing completely and fully the difference between right and wrong yet having no control over how you react no matter the situation.

According to the Mental Health Foundation, nine out of ten people with mental illnesses say that stigma and discrimination have a negative effect on their lives. With that being said, this fear and shame makes it harder for one to be in control of the “person” who is coming across.

Unfortunately, those with bipolar disorder will undoubtedly encounter someone who will judge or determine their character based off of their interaction with them. Or off just their diagnosis alone.

An APA report shows that a majority of Americans believe that mental health is just as important as any other health concern. According to the report, 87% of Americans said having a mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. 86% of Americans said people with mental health conditions can get better.

Which is great to see in 2022. Yet the stigma still exists and also plays, I believe, a subconscious role into how one with a mental illness reacts in any social situation.

So, new year, new me? I don’t know. New year, SAME me? I sure hope not. But here’s to putting my first foot forward every day, 2022. That’s my resolution.

Just remember: one day at a time. Even if it is only the first.