Kurt Cobain – Mirrored Madness: The Monster In Me

Bipolar: A List

“I could walk through fire if it meant making my dreams come true. That is the gift being bipolar gave me. It blessed me with a lofty imagination, an iron will, and an unbreakable belief in the impossible.”
– A.J. Mendez

For someone with bipolar disorder, comfort can be found in some odd and dark places. I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t comforted (in a selfish and devious way even) when being around someone with mine or a similar condition. It makes me feel like, “Ha! Yes! It’s not only me!” I know, I know…but, hey, whatever gets me through the night.

So, you can only imagine how it feels when you find out some of your heroes suffer from the same condition as you. It washes away that all-encompassing stigma for just a moment and offers up some (usually) much needed hope.

Famous People with Bipolar Disorder
Selena Gomez (Actress/Musician)

Jimi Hendrix (Musician)

Buzz Aldrin (Astronaut)

Kanye West (Rapper/Musician)

Vincent Van Gogh (Artist)

Scott Weiland (Stone Temple Pilots)

Amy Winehouse (Musician)

Scott Stapp (Creed)

Mariah Carey (Musician)

Kurt Cobain (Nirvana)

Carrie Fisher (Actress)

Catherina Zeta-Jones (Actress)

Virginia Woolf (Writer)

Brian Wilson (Musician)

Ernest Hemingway (Author)

Frank Sinatra (Musician/Actor)

Winston Churchill (Politician)

Jean-Claude Van Damme (Actor)

Ben Stiller (Actor/Comedian)

Lou Reed (Musician)

Mel Gibson (Actor)

Lauryn Hill (Musician/Actress)

This is just a list of some well-known people who suffer from bipolar disorder. Is it comforting on some dark level of the human soul? Who’s to say?

The list goes on and on and on. Some of these people made it through the fire, and some didn’t. But it is comforting to share a relatability with someone who inspires you. Especially when it’s on this type of level. Some of the people on the list led dangerous lives with devastating outcomes. Some didn’t make it. But when the reality that us lay people have to deal with is something a famous person or even an icon has deal with also, a little bit of hope breaks through the darkness. Like the sunlight breaking through the clouds after a storm, hope can become a reality. If only for just a minute.

I’m not a rubbernecker, but even if I was that brief moment of hope is far more fulfilling than any other sick, selfish motive I may sometimes have.

Smells Like Mental Health Awareness Month

“The experience I have had is that once you start talking about experiencing a mental health struggle, you realize that actually you’re part of a quite a big club.”
– Prince Harry

The guitar Kurt Cobain played/used in the video for “Smells Like Teen Spirit” just sold at auction for $4,500,000.00, about $4,000,000.00 more than expected, by Colts owner Jim Isray. That places it as the fourth most expensive piece of “known” music memorabilia ever (Kurt also takes the top spot for his guitar from the MTV Unplugged show, which sold for more than $8,000,000.00 at auction).

When I heard about this auction a month or so ago, I was kind of like “yeah, yeah, yeah, someone needs money”. The guitar had been on display somewhere for quite a while before the announcement, so I thought hey, let’s let it be.

It was expected to sell between $400,00.00 and $600,00.00. It far exceeded that goal, I’d say.

But I just recently found out that the guitar was auctioned in honor of May being Mental Health Awareness Month. Not only that, but a huge portion of the money also goes to an organization ran by the Colts and the Isray family called Kicking The Stigma, which gives away grants to Indiana-based mental health programs.

Isray even spoke on the guitar’s important place.

“This guitar is big, and it relates so much to stigma,” he said. “When you have mental illness, people die. These are fatal diseases — bipolar, schizophrenia, post-partem depression, alcoholic addictions. With fatal diseases, people die, and they don’t choose to die. … Those of us who are alive, we’re not stronger or better. We didn’t get our act together more. We didn’t have more character. That’s where it’s so false.”

Whatever his motives may be, I don’t care. I appreciate the gesture, even if that’s all it is.

I don’t think Kurt Cobain would have been too ecstatic about two of his guitars selling for more than $12,000,000.00. I could understand how that would seem unreasonable or outright insane to a person. But I do think he would definitely approve of some of that exorbitant amount of money spent going to an organization called Kicking the Stigma, an organization with the goal of raising awareness about mental illness.

Happy MHAM!

Smells Like Mental Health Awareness Month

“The experience I have had is that once you start talking about experiencing a mental health struggle, you realize that actually you’re part of a quite a big club.”
– Prince Harry

It was expected to sell between $400,00.00 and $600,00.00. It far exceeded that goal, I’d say.

Isray even spoke on the guitar’s important place.

Whatever his motives may be, I don’t care. I appreciate the gesture, even if that’s all it is.

Happy MHAM!

Kurt Cobain…28 Years Gone

“Hey hey, my my…Rock and roll can never die”
– Neil Young

It’s April 5, 2022 – the 28^th anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death. Nearly three decades ago, the “spokesman of a generation” took his own life with a shotgun.

I’ll admit, Nirvana (Kurt Cobain, in particular) had the most profound effect on me. They’re not the greatest band of all time, but Nirvana definitely had a distinct influence on me.

It’s a fitting topic today as Cobain suffered from bipolar disorder and ultimately committed suicide (Granted, drugs played a heavy role in his specific situation). Kurt Cobain followed the stereotypical “bipolar bullet point” fate and fell in the 20% of people who suffered and took their own lives.

I ranted enough yesterday on this matter and how absolutely furious I was (and am) that so many people with this disorder end their lives. There is no magic wand we could wave to fix this, so I feel like it’s all of our jobs to try and make a difference.

Honestly, I am not entirely sure why I honor this day, even if it’s only for five minutes. Some may say it’s obsessive or me going overboard, especially with Kurt’s reputation (When I was younger, I was pigeonholed into a similar spot for being such a fan of a depressed “junkie”).

Kurt was 27 when he died, as was Robert Johnson, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Amy Winehouse, and many other musicians, joining what is now known as the “27 Club”. Kurt was definitely a drug addict. I heard an interesting “fact” that an addict spends on average 7 years of his/her life waiting. Waiting for the man. It’s another sad, eye-opening statistic.

I guess there is no real point I’m trying to make with this post (see my post from yesterday if you’re curious about how I really feel); I just wanted to share my observation of today’s significance. At least for me.

In his suicide note Kurt wrote down a line from a Neil Young song.

“It’s better to burn out than fade away.”

And that’s exactly what he did. He burned bright and fast like a shooting star and then, just like that, it was over. But he will never fade away, and the last 35 years have cemented that fact.

He may not have wanted to be the “spokesman of a generation”, but he is most definitely a true icon.

Anyway, I hope everyone has an amazing day and can find the strength they need to get through it. Life is sometimes hard, and for no particular reason. But it’s our job to pull through.

And we always do.

When the Music’s Over, Turn Out the Lights

“The only truth is music.”
– Jack Kerouac

As a musician and just as a human being on a very basic level, music is a key part of my every day. I’m making no correlation between the madness and the necessity of music in one’s life, it’s just a fact: music is a key part of my life.

King of and fellow nihilist Friedrich Nietzsche said, “Without music, life would be a mistake.” Is this just another extreme observation made by the philosopher? Should we just take it with a poetic grain of salt? I don’t know. I don’t know if life would be a mistake without music, but I do know I don’t want to find out.

For me, music is an escape. I have found, compared to my wife and other peers, that I am one of the only people I know who devours and rates an album by an artist as a whole. A lot of people hit up the radio hits and go from there (I still can’t listen to Dylan’s Blonde on Blonde without starting from the bombastic beginning and plowing through all the way to the end. Every time.).

I have to say the way we ingest our music and media plays a role in the output we get. Artists and, more importantly, record labels know that all an “album” needs is a couple Top 40 hits. The rest can be filler because it’s the singles that’s going to sell the record. So, it’s a known and very-well practiced formula (unless you’re Billie Eilish and then all rules are thrown out the window).

So, what kind of music do I like?

Well, I of course have already mentioned Bob Dylan. There is a string of albums the man released back-to-back over just a few years in the 1960s that reach an almost impossible state of perfection.

I am more a predominately rock n’ roll guy but have found numerous albums and other styles of music that I add to the spectrum. For instance, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill is definitely outside of my wheelhouse, but I honestly think it may be the last perfect album ever made. Now that’s an extreme opinion, but mine, nonetheless. With a list of “Favorite Albums” heavily clouded with Dylan, Beatles, and Rolling Stones records, the fact Lauryn Hill’s debut album cracks my Top 5 is saying a lot.

As both a musician and a fan, I have devoured The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, The Doors, The Velvet Underground, etc. But still, some of my favorite albums fall outside the main party line.

Both Sufjan Stevens Illinois and Seven Swans are in my “Top Favorite Albums”. Stevens has been a folky/electronic music hero for some time, and deservedly so.

Yes, I seek out the “album’s” album. I think the Rolling Stones Exile On Main St. is perhaps THE best rock n’ roll album ever made. The raw grit of the songs, the songwriting process, and the album’s creation says it all. Check it out. You won’t be disappointed.

The White Album by the Beatles is definitely up there with Exile. It’s a perfect collection of songs, and a perfect representation of how the band was working together at the time (not well). That being said, John Lennon is a personal hero of mine and I think he’s responsible for some of the best songs and albums of the 1960s and 1970s. And, yes, I’ll take Lennon over McCartney any day of the week (Shit, I’ll even take Ringo over McCartney.).

I’m admittedly bias as hell when it comes to this next one…but The Strokes have yet to release a bad album. Just saying.

In an attempt to wrap things up, let me pause to reflect. I remember one of my grandmother’s telling me at age 13 that my interest in the 90s “grunge” movement would make me “depressed” because those artists sang about drugs and suicide. So, to prove a point, I played Roadhouse Blues by The Doors (another one of my favorite bands). Her response was immediate and positive. “Yeah! Now this is a lot better! Listen to that beat!” I guess it didn’t matter that the song is a declaration of living in the moment in as raw and simple of a way as possible (“I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer/the future’s uncertain and the end is always near”). From that moment on anyone else’s perception of my musical tastes mattered not.

So, all in all, music is a release and an appreciation process necessary for me to function. I’ve always said I’d rather go blind than be deaf, as I couldn’t live without being able to listen to or play music.

Hell, maybe Nietzsche was only half right: Life without music isn’t just a mistake, it’s an impossibility and an unnecessary evil that should be asked or expected of no one.

TOP 5 FAVORITE ALBUMS (As of this writing and in no particular order)

The White Album- The Beatles
Exile On Main St. – The Rolling Stones
Nevermind – Nirvana
Astral Weeks – Van Morrison
The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill – Lauryn Hill

SPOTLIGHT: Kurt Cobain

“The sun is gone, but I have a light.”
– Kurt Cobain, Dumb

Not all days are bad days, and sometimes I have nothing in particular I need or want to say. So, I started a little “Spotlight” segment in which I talk about someone of cultural prominence who suffers from bipolar disorder. The idea is to use a “poof”-style piece to shine a light on said chosen person. It’s a personal exercise and challenge, and also helps make this illness just a tad more relatable. This is my second “Spotlight” piece, the first of which was on Vincent Van Gogh.

This one is on Kurt Cobain.

Kurt Cobain was born in February of 1967 in Aberdeen, Washington. As a child he was diagnosed with ADD and developed bipolar disorder later on in life. Never pursuing treatment, though, Cobain struggled with severe depression throughout his entire life, often turning to drugs to self-medicate.

Cobain is best known as the front man and main creative force behind the rock band Nirvana.

Nirvana began playing together in the 1980s but would undergo countless name changes and at least four other drummers before permanently sticking with Dave Grohl in 1990.

Although their debut album, Bleach, was recorded and released in 1989, it was their sophomore effort, Nevermind, that really cemented their place in history. Driven by the hit song “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, as well as a slew of other rock radio staples, the album knocked Michael Jackson off the top of the charts and catapulted the band to near-overnight fame.

This really didn’t sit well with Cobain, though. He never intended or wanted to become as popular as he ultimately became. He was labeled the “Voice of his Generation”, which also did not sit well with him.

As mentioned above, Cobain often turned to drug use as a means to handle the sudden onslaught of fame, along with other various personal issues. Cobain’s drug of choice was heroin, and he became extremely addicted to the powerful substance, even to the point of overdosing around family and friends.

Nirvana went on to release only one other official studio album, In Utero. It was a drastic departure from the material on their previous album, and was the album Cobain was most proud of.

Cobain’s songwriting skills are his most notable and spoken of talents, as he is often lumped into many “best songwriters of all time” lists. He was moody, bright-eyed, and honest in his writing, creating a mass appeal in all he did.

Ultimately, though, between his severe depression, his inability to handle public pressures, and his extreme dependence on heroin, Cobain committed suicide in 1994 at the age of 27. He left behind a wife and daughter.

One thing I must express is that you don’t have to use drugs or suffer from a mental illness to be creative or productive. Suicide isn’t the answer, either, yet I have no room nor am I in any position to even speak on that.

I only add this little tidbit because the subject of the last “Spotlight” piece, Vincent Van Gogh, also committed suicide. There are many amazingly creative and genius people out there who do not follow the same path as either of these two men.

I promise we won’t end this series on a “Van Gogh” or a “Kurt Cobain”, if only just to prove my point. Sometimes it’s best to just stay in the light.

Until next time.

Up, Down, And All Around

Winston Churchill, Vincent Van Gogh, and Kurt Cobain walk into a bar…

Yeah, it sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, but the punchline is far from funny.

One of them led Great Britain stoically during WWII. One of them is responsible for some of the most well-known and adored pieces of art work in the world. One is a musical icon who tragically ended his life too soon. So, you may be wondering, what do these three people have in common?

All of them suffered from bipolar disorder.

And so do I.

And now a joke: My friend who suffers from bipolar disorder called from the lobby. He said, “Hey, I’m feeling great today. You want to do something?” I said, “Sure, I’ll be down in a minute.” He said, “That makes two of us.”

No, it’s not a funny joke (nor an original one), but the subject is no laughing matter either. The stigma surrounding bipolar disorder is not only sad, it’s dangerous and deadly. There are approximately 5.7 million adults in the United States suffering from the mood disorder. Of those diagnosed with the disorder, 40%-60% of people will attempt suicide at least one time. Even scarier, approximately 19%, or 1.14 million people out of approximately 5.7 million with the disorder, will commit suicide. Bipolar disorder accounts for 3%-14% of all suicides, making it quite possibly the deadliest mental illness.

So, if you’re one of the people who liked the aforementioned joke, are you still laughing now?

I’m 31 now and was first diagnosed at 15. Then again at 17. Then again at 25, which is when I finally sought out help. For 10 years I lived in a constant state of shame and embarrassment. For many reasons.

But before I get anymore ahead of myself let’s get a basic idea of what bipolar disorder is. Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder characterized by extreme highs and lows, mood swings, and can affect many other areas of everyday life, as well. It is quite possible there are more people with the disorder for various reasons, whether it be from being misdiagnosed to being personally ashamed.

The stigma surrounding bipolar disorder is extreme compared to most other mental health issues. It is insidious and wreaks havoc on the person with the illness as well as those around them. Family, friends, and other loved ones often feel like they have to (and I love this phrase) “walk on eggshells” so as not to trigger or cause an episode in someone with bipolar disorder.

I hope to continue to share my story and my personal journey through this maze in my mind as I go on.

All I ask is for you to not try and understand me, and I won’t try to understand how my behavior affects those around me.

To Be Continued