Category Archives: art

Bipolar: A List

“I could walk through fire if it meant making my dreams come true. That is the gift being bipolar gave me. It blessed me with a lofty imagination, an iron will, and an unbreakable belief in the impossible.”

– A.J. Mendez

For someone with bipolar disorder, comfort can be found in some odd and dark places. I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t comforted (in a selfish and devious way even) when being around someone with mine or a similar condition. It makes me feel like, “Ha! Yes! It’s not only me!” I know, I know…but, hey, whatever gets me through the night.

So, you can only imagine how it feels when you find out some of your heroes suffer from the same condition as you. It washes away that all-encompassing stigma for just a moment and offers up some (usually) much needed hope.

Famous People with Bipolar Disorder
Selena Gomez (Actress/Musician)

Jimi Hendrix (Musician)

Buzz Aldrin (Astronaut)

Kanye West (Rapper/Musician)

Vincent Van Gogh (Artist)

Scott Weiland (Stone Temple Pilots)

Amy Winehouse (Musician)

Scott Stapp (Creed)

Mariah Carey (Musician)

Kurt Cobain (Nirvana)

Carrie Fisher (Actress)

Catherina Zeta-Jones (Actress)

Virginia Woolf (Writer)

Brian Wilson (Musician)

Ernest Hemingway (Author)

Frank Sinatra (Musician/Actor)

Winston Churchill (Politician)

Jean-Claude Van Damme (Actor)

Ben Stiller (Actor/Comedian)

Lou Reed (Musician)

Mel Gibson (Actor)

Lauryn Hill (Musician/Actress)

This is just a list of some well-known people who suffer from bipolar disorder. Is it comforting on some dark level of the human soul? Who’s to say?

The list goes on and on and on. Some of these people made it through the fire, and some didn’t. But it is comforting to share a relatability with someone who inspires you. Especially when it’s on this type of level. Some of the people on the list led dangerous lives with devastating outcomes. Some didn’t make it. But when the reality that us lay people have to deal with is something a famous person or even an icon has deal with also, a little bit of hope breaks through the darkness. Like the sunlight breaking through the clouds after a storm, hope can become a reality. If only for just a minute.

I’m not a rubbernecker, but even if I was that brief moment of hope is far more fulfilling than any other sick, selfish motive I may sometimes have.

a day in the life: reflections

“The real man smiles in trouble, gathers from distress, and grows brave by reflection.”

– Thomas Paine

I was recently thinking about my past, reminiscing about friendships that seem like mirages of existence at this point. I decided it was best to use this great “hour of remembrance” in a constructive way and think about where I was five years ago.

Five years ago, I was 27, which was my golden birthday. I was wild then, wild and rearing to go be a part of any type of ignorant activity. I suffer from bipolar disorder if you guys didn’t know and even though I knew it at the time, I still used it to be the life of the party. I was still embarrassed (to an extent) about my condition, and it was easier to just be the wild one.

Five years ago, I worked at a television news station. It was a miserable job, and I would recommend it to no one. I was a digital content producer, which was just a fancy title for someone who wrote up police reports and posted them on Facebook. I’m a “journalist”, and CNN wasn’t calling so I needed to get my foot in the door. I worked at a print news station prior as a copy editor and it was just as miserable (I had interned there and was promised a job as a reporter but was just given a different one).

Five years ago, my middle son was barely one. Life for my wife and I was drastically different. We balanced our schedules and were lucky to have the time we did have. My wife was a correctional officer, and everything worked out perfectly. Our little boy is now almost six.

Five years ago, I asked a woman who has changed my life for the better to marry me. She did the following year, thank God, but the time we spent together that year as an engaged couple can never be changed or taken away.

Five years ago, I was blessed. Just as blessed as I am today. I have always tried to adopt a strict “don’t look back” policy, but it’s hard when looking back is sometimes the key to moving forward.

a day in the life: snapshots & hand-me-downs

“The past beats inside me like a second heart.”

– John Banville

I recently had the luxury of finding an old notebook, one that had been used simply for creative purposes. It was about fifteen years old, but you couldn’t tell by its condition. However, the age of the notebook became more than evident after opening it up. To me, anyway.

Upon looking at the chicken scrawl that was my teen handwriting, and the pages and pages of pretentious writing that were also mine…I had a serious cringe moment. I don’t think of myself as a regular Hemingway, but my immaturity was on full display in those pages. It was also real clear that I had no real insight fifteen years ago. Just based on some of the passages I could stomach reading.

“…of the stiff, suspicious statues –

I stumbled along in agonizing anticipation

The voices were hollow and near

hiding in the plaguing darkness

I stopped –

and took in the sky…”

(2007)

There is absolutely no meaning to that. I had no idea what it meant then, and I still don’t. And I won’t try to pretend to spin it now.

The notebook is full of writing that makes me grimace. But its writing shows a side of me, one that I had yet to even define at that point.

It’s only one of many notebooks I could dig out and have the same feeling over (I have even at times thought about getting all the “old stuff” together in a chronological fashion of some sort, but life hasn’t allowed for that to happen). They’re the notebooks that are the basis for anything I am now.

They include song lyrics:

A worried man’s got his worried mind

And sees with two eyes that have gone blind

I been standing in the back just trying to get her name

When you’re that hard-up for a little fix

You ain’t clean, just a sober addict

You’re a million miles away, and everything’s changed

And poetry:

“I bought a brand-new mirror

and I hung it on the wall

I knelt before it every night

And prayed it wouldn’t fall…”

And then I stumbled upon this last little piece. It’s a poem that, at even twelve years old, I have found some merit in.

The Day I Left

the day I left,

in shackles and hand-me-downs,

the hardest thing –

that once remembered dream of

Passion,

I left the beach

I left, strangled and oblivious,

the curtain of hope decaying,

a penned elegy in my place

she was a sad-eyed mystery,

who was whatever I wanted,

sacred remnant

(left the beach for this?)

Instead of diamonds for sand and the sun for a father,

we have this –

Bombs for beachballs, tanks for cruise ships,

war for fun-in-the-sun

I see it all thru concave,

                  visions of mass deception,          

a summertime loss

this wavy clarity takes away

my security

the truth and enlightenment we need is found

in nuclear warfare,

and in our God,

bomb

Blessed,

I left in sleep

Cursed,

I left her

I push this way,

you pull the other

The day I left.

I found salvation

But not the kind I hoped to find

I found loneliness

I was blessed

on the day that I left

I guess if I had a point in today’s ramblings it would be to be careful what you hold onto and what you throw away. It may be old and it may be immature, but it also might contain the plotline for the next great American novel.

10 Essential Writing Tips from Stephen King’s “On Writing”

In 2002 Stephen King temporarily gave up on writing bestselling novels and wrote a little book chronicling his rise to fame and discussing exactly …

10 Essential Writing Tips from Stephen King’s “On Writing”

When the Music’s Over, Turn Out the Lights

“The only truth is music.”

– Jack Kerouac

As a musician and just as a human being on a very basic level, music is a key part of my every day. I’m making no correlation between the madness and the necessity of music in one’s life, it’s just a fact: music is a key part of my life.

King of and fellow nihilist Friedrich Nietzsche said, “Without music, life would be a mistake.” Is this just another extreme observation made by the philosopher? Should we just take it with a poetic grain of salt? I don’t know. I don’t know if life would be a mistake without music, but I do know I don’t want to find out.

For me, music is an escape. I have found, compared to my wife and other peers, that I am one of the only people I know who devours and rates an album by an artist as a whole. A lot of people hit up the radio hits and go from there (I still can’t listen to Dylan’s Blonde on Blonde without starting from the bombastic beginning and plowing through all the way to the end. Every time.).

I have to say the way we ingest our music and media plays a role in the output we get. Artists and, more importantly, record labels know that all an “album” needs is a couple Top 40 hits. The rest can be filler because it’s the singles that’s going to sell the record. So, it’s a known and very-well practiced formula (unless you’re Billie Eilish and then all rules are thrown out the window).

So, what kind of music do I like?

Well, I of course have already mentioned Bob Dylan. There is a string of albums the man released back-to-back over just a few years in the 1960s that reach an almost impossible state of perfection.

I am more a predominately rock n’ roll guy but have found numerous albums and other styles of music that I add to the spectrum. For instance, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill is definitely outside of my wheelhouse, but I honestly think it may be the last perfect album ever made. Now that’s an extreme opinion, but mine, nonetheless. With a list of “Favorite Albums” heavily clouded with Dylan, Beatles, and Rolling Stones records, the fact Lauryn Hill’s debut album cracks my Top 5 is saying a lot.

As both a musician and a fan, I have devoured The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, The Doors, The Velvet Underground, etc. But still, some of my favorite albums fall outside the main party line.

Both Sufjan Stevens Illinois and Seven Swans are in my “Top Favorite Albums”. Stevens has been a folky/electronic music hero for some time, and deservedly so.

Yes, I seek out the “album’s” album. I think the Rolling Stones Exile On Main St. is perhaps THE best rock n’ roll album ever made. The raw grit of the songs, the songwriting process, and the album’s creation says it all. Check it out. You won’t be disappointed.

The White Album by the Beatles is definitely up there with Exile. It’s a perfect collection of songs, and a perfect representation of how the band was working together at the time (not well). That being said, John Lennon is a personal hero of mine and I think he’s responsible for some of the best songs and albums of the 1960s and 1970s. And, yes, I’ll take Lennon over McCartney any day of the week (Shit, I’ll even take Ringo over McCartney.).

I’m admittedly bias as hell when it comes to this next one…but The Strokes have yet to release a bad album. Just saying.

In an attempt to wrap things up, let me pause to reflect. I remember one of my grandmother’s telling me at age 13 that my interest in the 90s “grunge” movement would make me “depressed” because those artists sang about drugs and suicide. So, to prove a point, I played Roadhouse Blues by The Doors (another one of my favorite bands). Her response was immediate and positive. “Yeah! Now this is a lot better! Listen to that beat!” I guess it didn’t matter that the song is a declaration of living in the moment in as raw and simple of a way as possible (“I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer/the future’s uncertain and the end is always near”). From that moment on anyone else’s perception of my musical tastes mattered not.

So, all in all, music is a release and an appreciation process necessary for me to function. I’ve always said I’d rather go blind than be deaf, as I couldn’t live without being able to listen to or play music.

Hell, maybe Nietzsche was only half right: Life without music isn’t just a mistake, it’s an impossibility and an unnecessary evil that should be asked or expected of no one.

TOP 5 FAVORITE ALBUMS (As of this writing and in no particular order)

  • The White Album- The Beatles
  • Exile On Main St. – The Rolling Stones
  • Nevermind – Nirvana
  • Astral Weeks – Van Morrison
  • The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill – Lauryn Hill

SPOTLIGHT: Kurt Cobain

“The sun is gone, but I have a light.”

– Kurt Cobain, Dumb

Not all days are bad days, and sometimes I have nothing in particular I need or want to say. So, I started a little “Spotlight” segment in which I talk about someone of cultural prominence who suffers from bipolar disorder. The idea is to use a “poof”-style piece to shine a light on said chosen person. It’s a personal exercise and challenge, and also helps make this illness just a tad more relatable. This is my second “Spotlight” piece, the first of which was on Vincent Van Gogh.

This one is on Kurt Cobain.

Kurt Cobain was born in February of 1967 in Aberdeen, Washington. As a child he was diagnosed with ADD and developed bipolar disorder later on in life. Never pursuing treatment, though, Cobain struggled with severe depression throughout his entire life, often turning to drugs to self-medicate.

Cobain is best known as the front man and main creative force behind the rock band Nirvana.

Nirvana began playing together in the 1980s but would undergo countless name changes and at least four other drummers before permanently sticking with Dave Grohl in 1990.

Although their debut album, Bleach, was recorded and released in 1989, it was their sophomore effort, Nevermind, that really cemented their place in history. Driven by the hit song “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, as well as a slew of other rock radio staples, the album knocked Michael Jackson off the top of the charts and catapulted the band to near-overnight fame.

This really didn’t sit well with Cobain, though. He never intended or wanted to become as popular as he ultimately became. He was labeled the “Voice of his Generation”, which also did not sit well with him.

As mentioned above, Cobain often turned to drug use as a means to handle the sudden onslaught of fame, along with other various personal issues. Cobain’s drug of choice was heroin, and he became extremely addicted to the powerful substance, even to the point of overdosing around family and friends.

Nirvana went on to release only one other official studio album, In Utero. It was a drastic departure from the material on their previous album, and was the album Cobain was most proud of.

Cobain’s songwriting skills are his most notable and spoken of talents, as he is often lumped into many “best songwriters of all time” lists. He was moody, bright-eyed, and honest in his writing, creating a mass appeal in all he did.

Ultimately, though, between his severe depression, his inability to handle public pressures, and his extreme dependence on heroin, Cobain committed suicide in 1994 at the age of 27. He left behind a wife and daughter.

One thing I must express is that you don’t have to use drugs or suffer from a mental illness to be creative or productive. Suicide isn’t the answer, either, yet I have no room nor am I in any position to even speak on that.

I only add this little tidbit because the subject of the last “Spotlight” piece, Vincent Van Gogh, also committed suicide. There are many amazingly creative and genius people out there who do not follow the same path as either of these two men.

I promise we won’t end this series on a “Van Gogh” or a “Kurt Cobain”, if only just to prove my point. Sometimes it’s best to just stay in the light.

Until next time.

SPOTLIGHT: Vincent Van Gogh

“Though I am often in the depths of misery, there is still calmness, pure harmony and music inside me. I see paintings or drawings in the poorest cottages, in the dirtiest corners. And my mind is driven towards these things with an irresistible momentum.“

– Vincent Van Gogh

I’ve mentioned before in this blog the possible link between creativity and bipolar disorder and the first person who comes to mind when thinking about this theory is Vincent Van Gogh.

Of course, there was no one “official” diagnosis given while Van Gogh was living. However, it is historically accepted the artist suffered from the disorder. In fact, World Bipolar Day is on March 30th because it is Van Gogh’s birthday.

According to The Van Gogh Gallery, his extreme enthusiasm combined with his amazingly excessive output suggested mania was a big fixture in Van Gogh’s life. But these periods of mania were also accompanied or followed by periods of depression.

A 2020 article in the International Journal of Bipolar Disorders lays out the idea of Van Gogh having bipolar disorder based off of alleged rapid mood swings along with periods of both mania and depression. Van Gogh’s brother even said it was as if he was made up of two different personalities, “the one marvellously gifted, sensitive and gentle, and the other self-loving and unfeeling”.

Vincent Van Gogh was born on March 30, 1853 in Holland. The son of a pastor, Van Gogh believed his true calling was to preach. It wasn’t until later he discovered his true passion as an artist.

Perhaps the most infamous moment in both Van Gogh’s personal life is the “ear incident”. In December 1888, the artist cut off one of his ears with a razor during part of a mental breakdown. He gave the severed ear to a cleaner at a local brothel and would spend the majority of the next two years in hospitals and asylums.

From Lilacs to The Starry Night, Van Gogh painted some of his most well-known masterpieces while hospitalized for his nervous temperament. The Starry Night was inspired by a view from one of Van Gogh’s rooms in an asylum. Most of the artist’s finest and well-known paintings were done in the last two years of his life.

Van Gogh’s death is shadowed in some mystery yet still is officially regarded as a suicide. He died on July 29, 1890 — two days after a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the chest. According to his brother, Vincent’s last words were, “The sadness will last forever.”

Van Gogh was not a critical or commercial success in his lifetime, having sold only one painting. He never wavered in his conviction as an artist, however, painting consistently, even in his darkest periods of life.

Even with a reputation of mental instability it was clear Van Gogh had true artistic strengths and creativity. And with a talent beyond measure, Van Gogh is considered to be one of the most influential artists in history.

Despite his mental illness, Van Gogh is credited with helping create the foundation of what we know as modern art.

The Mad Genius: The Link Between Bipolar Disorder and Creativity

“Where would the memoir be without bipolar writers? I mean,…I’m not accusing every memoirist of being bipolar. But I think in a way it’s kind of a gift.”

– Ayelet Waldman

Jimi Hendrix. Vincent Van Gogh. Jean-Claude Van Damme. Kurt Cobain. Carrie Fisher. Winston Churchill.

Throughout history there have been innumerable artists, musicians, and other creative powerhouses who have suffered from bipolar disorder. So many, in fact, it has raised the question of whether or not a link exists between bipolar disorder and creativity. New research suggests that might just be the case.

In a 2010 study researchers found those diagnosed with bipolar disorder dominated in the arts and humanities professions. Of the 1,000 subjects who were analyzed many were poets, musicians, and artists. According to this study, the likelihood of those suffering from bipolar disorder was 10 times higher than that of the general population. The study was able to show that “there is broad evidence that creativity and psychopathology are correlated.”

A 2019 pilot study of a small group of people with bipolar disorder found they scored higher on the Barron-Welsh Art Scale, a scientific test that measures creativity. Results of this study suggested “bipolar disorder is associated with creativity, but not necessarily creative accomplishment.”

Excellence in language and/or music was directly aligned with an increased risk for developing bipolar disorder, according to one 2010 study.

Another study even suggested that poets are 30% more likely to have bipolar disorder than someone in the general population.

What is known for sure, however, is that there is a huge genetic factor associated with having bipolar disorder. Researchers are now trying to determine if those same genes may produce heightened creativity levels, intellectual awareness, and productive output.

People with bipolar disorder have a certain brain chemistry and structure that allows for many of the boundaries in a “typical” brain to not exist in the brain of a bipolar person.

People with bipolar disorder have unique experiences which they feel at different levels than the “typical” person. Those with bipolar disorder have different emotional and intellectual perspectives that may play a role in the likelihood of having a high creativity level.

Although there does indeed appear to be a clear genetic correlation between creativity and bipolar disorder, not everybody with bipolar disorder will be overly creative.

Many artists and writers choose not to take medication for the sole purpose of maintaining a heightened level of awareness. On that same note, the perils of the disorder should still be heeded. Untreated bipolar disorder can be dangerous, even life-threatening, and is not worth the risk of being intensely creative.

More research and information is needed to fully make the connection, but current data does show people who are genetically predisposed to bipolar disorder tend to function at a more intense level of creativity and increased overall productivity.

Up, Down, And All Around

Winston Churchill, Vincent Van Gogh, and Kurt Cobain walk into a bar…

Yeah, it sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, but the punchline is far from funny.

One of them led Great Britain stoically during WWII. One of them is responsible for some of the most well-known and adored pieces of art work in the world. One is a musical icon who tragically ended his life too soon. So, you may be wondering, what do these three people have in common?

All of them suffered from bipolar disorder.

And so do I.

And now a joke: My friend who suffers from bipolar disorder called from the lobby. He said, “Hey, I’m feeling great today. You want to do something?” I said, “Sure, I’ll be down in a minute.” He said, “That makes two of us.”

No, it’s not a funny joke (nor an original one), but the subject is no laughing matter either. The stigma surrounding bipolar disorder is not only sad, it’s dangerous and deadly. There are approximately 5.7 million adults in the United States suffering from the mood disorder. Of those diagnosed with the disorder, 40%-60% of people will attempt suicide at least one time. Even scarier, approximately 19%, or 1.14 million people out of approximately 5.7 million with the disorder, will commit suicide. Bipolar disorder accounts for 3%-14% of all suicides, making it quite possibly the deadliest mental illness.

So, if you’re one of the people who liked the aforementioned joke, are you still laughing now?

I’m 31 now and was first diagnosed at 15. Then again at 17. Then again at 25, which is when I finally sought out help. For 10 years I lived in a constant state of shame and embarrassment. For many reasons.

But before I get anymore ahead of myself let’s get a basic idea of what bipolar disorder is. Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder characterized by extreme highs and lows, mood swings, and can affect many other areas of everyday life, as well. It is quite possible there are more people with the disorder for various reasons, whether it be from being misdiagnosed to being personally ashamed.

The stigma surrounding bipolar disorder is extreme compared to most other mental health issues. It is insidious and wreaks havoc on the person with the illness as well as those around them. Family, friends, and other loved ones often feel like they have to (and I love this phrase) “walk on eggshells” so as not to trigger or cause an episode in someone with bipolar disorder.

I hope to continue to share my story and my personal journey through this maze in my mind as I go on.

All I ask is for you to not try and understand me, and I won’t try to understand how my behavior affects those around me.

To Be Continued